Don’t insist on being positive – allowing negative emotions has much to teach us

When Whitney was a newly qualified therapist, she noticed that positive thinking was being heavily pushed in her profession and the broader culture as the way to deal with things. She didn't think platitudes like "Look on the bright side!" and "everything happens for a reason!" were appropriate. Being positive is the only way to live, but it was making us feel disconnected and, ultimately, worse.

This stayed with her and she started an account on the social media platform, which was a tonic to the saccharine quotes dominating social media feeds. Sometimes things are hard because they are hard and not because you are incompetent, as INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals

The US and the west have a culture that has programmed us to believe that optimism is always best. She traces its roots in the US to 19th century religion, but it has been ascendant since the 1970s, when scientists began researching how to achieve happiness. More recently, the yoga movement has preached about gratitude in between yoga poses. We all practice it. We turn into silver-lining hunters when comforting a friend. We believe that being relentlessly upbeat is the only way forward because we believe that difficult thoughts are uncomfortable to deal with and we lock our own thoughts inside tiny boxes in a corner of our brains. Being positive has become a goal and an obligation.

Toxic Positivity is one of a new wave of books trying to change the balance by showing the power of negative emotions. The authors are not advocating for us to be miserable. They believe that leaning into feelings, including regret, sadness and fear, brings great benefit. The road to the good life is paved with tears and furrowed brows, as well as smiles and laughter.

Fear and sadness are a natural response to the world right now

Helen Russell's book How To Be Sad was published at the same time as these new works. It seems trite to suggest that a positive outlook is all we need in light of the conflict in Ukraine. We shouldn't have to deny the strong negative emotions that are happening around the world right now.

They want you to know that negative emotions are helpful. Russell talks about sadness being a problem. It can improve our attention to detail, increase perseverance, promote generosity and make us more grateful for what we have.

It is more difficult to make an argument for regret than it is to make an argument for happiness. We are told from a young age to never waste energy on regrets. The phrase "No regrets" is on bumper plates and T-shirts. Seemingly every famous person has at least one quip about living without regrets. Pink says we are getting it all wrong. He became interested in this topic because he couldn't shake his own regrets about being excluded from social events as a university student. If we treat it right, that emotion will have power.

The problem? We aren't taught how to process difficult emotions. A good way to get to know these feelings is to acknowledge them and sit with them. It can include learning how your emotions feel in your body, and what to call them. It makes it less scary when we put a name to it. We can figure out what we want to do with something when it's known.

When we are able to put a name to a feeling, it makes it less scary

The weight is lightened by telling others about it. Complaining is natural. Pink says that it helps us figure out what it is that is bothering us. It could be a friend, a therapist, or a total stranger. Russell suggests abuddy system in which you make an agreement with someone to talk about your worries without interruption. If you are comforting a friend, listen and ask questions instead of immediately reaching for pick-me-ups.

The nature and severity of the emotion will likely determine your next step. Russell wants us to be in nature. There are lots of studies about the effectiveness of reading therapy and looking at a piece of art. I think it's liberation when you finally surrender to it all.

Pink differentiates between regrets of action and opportunities not seized. It is important to know that everyone has regrets, and that the single thing that defines you is not what defines you.

Processing negative emotions should make them feel productive in the end. She says that instead of wallowing, you're making connections, you're figuring things out, and the wheels are turning. You don't need to come out of it feeling happy or with a neat fix.

Negative thoughts can leave you with a sense of fulfillment. If we want to live a meaningful and meaningful life, a lot of pain is going to be part of it. Don't be afraid to let the darkness in because you know you can do it in a methodical way.

Toxic Positivity is available from guardianbookshop.com.