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The author on her wedding day. (Photo: Photo Courtesy of Allison Shiozawa Miles)
The author on her wedding day. (Photo: Photo Courtesy of Allison Shiozawa Miles)

The author is at her wedding. The photo is courtesy of Allison Shiozawa Miles.

I didn't want to change my name. I dragged my feet as a young bride because I wanted to keep my identity and not embrace my husband.

After our wedding, I playfully suggested that my new husband take my name, Shiozawa. The idea of a white man taking a Japanese surname when I had three brothers to carry it on seemed ridiculous to everyone else. My white mom and sisters-in-law have taken on a Japanese name without a second thought.

I would be branded the worst kind of F-word in a conservative community if I didn't adopt my husband's name. I eventually, if begrudgingly, complied. I didn't understand how the decision would affect the rest of my life.

I went to Japan for the first time on a study abroad program when I was 19 years old. I immersed myself in my heritage, connecting with host families, practicing language skills, and absorbing Japanese culture for nine weeks. I was seen as an outsider by my white classmates as a multiracial person.

The introduction in Japan begins with the family name: Shiozawa Arison desu. The look on Japanese faces as they analyzed mine, their wheels turning, was a familiar look. It's the same one I've seen on many faces when meeting other Americans: eyes narrowed, brow furrowed, and some iteration of Where are.

The confusion is the same. The message is the same in both situations.

Maybe it's human nature. People like to put things in boxes. There is a bubble indicating your race. How is someone supposed to belong to more than one race? Universal forms have been updated to include a new option.

I knew I was different. I saw what beauty looked like in the mirror. I told my dad I wanted to be blonde. At 8, a boy came to my home and told me I was Chinese.

For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable in my own skin when I visited Hawaii at 14. I had never seen so many people who looked like me who didn't mind eating raw fish. There, the Hawaiian term for mixed-race people was normal.

I was an Asian girl growing up in a predominantly white community. I will always remember the first day of Algebra 2, when Haley Miyatake sat beside me. I felt a rush of relief with someone who understood my world.

White people like to comment on my eye shape, tugging at the corners of their own, and acting as self-appointed gatekeepers to my claim to Asian-ness. I'm accused of mounting an attack on white people if I broach the subject of race. I'm being oversensitive, choosing to be offended, or creating issues out of nothing. They ignore my experience because they don't see color.

My husband described me as being raised white, like a banana, a few years into our marriage. The man asked him how long he'd been in America, and he realized that the myth of the American melting pot was a lie. Other.

Imposter syndrome can apply to race. I've been angry as attacks on Asians have increased. I wonder if my outrage is valid as an Asian or an outsider. Other.

If it wasn't confirmed for me, I might be able to write off feeling like an imposter. An Asian trainer told me that he didn't think I looked the part when I wore a sweatshirt reading Asian American Girl Club to the gym. Why would someone who looked like me claim to be Asian? Not enough Asian. Other.

When I changed my last name, it felt like a part of my identity was gone. All it took was a few minutes at the local Social Security office and a few quick signatures.

It wasn't a relief to have to say and spell a foreign name all the time. My Asian-ness was not visible on a name badge, a school roster, a professional license, or even on a credit card. When I introduced myself, it wasn't on my tongue.

I lost the automatic association with my heritage because I no longer had to hear the cringeworthy butcherings of my last name. I assumed that my lived experience was that of a white person because I went from being Asian to ethnically ambiguous. I had to prove my Japanese heritage.

I wouldn't change my name if I could go back in time. My husband's name has become our family's after three kids and a dog. My blue-eyed husband and I share the same name, but our three brown-eyed, brown-haired children love to use chopsticks. The dog has a Japanese name along with our English family name. Even without a Japanese name, we are a multiracial family.

It's an ongoing effort to carve out my place as a multiracial Japanese American woman in this country, but I will always be proud of my Japanese name, and the rich heritages that make me who I am.

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The article was originally on HuffPost.

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