A woman in distress was found by my wife and I as we walked to the restaurant from Coconut grove. She was trying to get her car out of a parking space, but it had been blocked in by a car that had been parked nearby. The woman had been trying to get the car out of there, but the other car was so inconsiderately parked that it looked impossible. My wife, a person who does not mind getting involved, immediately swung into action. She said that her husband was an excellent parker. I am a good parker. The French drivers, who have no respect for the laws of physics, did not attempt to park a manual-shift rental car on a steep hill in France. They are still talking about my feat over there. With my wife putting my manhood on the line, I got into the driver's seat and after making 17 million maneuvers, I was able to get the woman's car out. If there was another coat of paint on that car, it wouldn't have made it. The woman was very appreciative. I was relieved as a parker and a man. It was an emotional moment, like the time US Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger landed the plane in the Hudson River, except he was under less pressure to perform. I am not telling you this because I think I deserve a medal. I think I deserve a statue. I'm telling you this because people noticed something about the car that had been parked. New York license plates were on it. We all commented on it. We commented while giving each other significant looks. I don't mean to suggest that all New Yorkers are stupid. The French say when they are not talking about my parking feat. New Yorkers are nice. Loud, but nice. I used to be a New Yorker. I petitioned the courts to have the Jets fan expunged from my record. I am not suggesting that New Yorkers are worse drivers than Floridians. Far from it. I have argued for decades that Florida drivers are the worst drivers in the United States, if not the world. Even if it is a one-celled fungus, alien life will be better at driving than Miamians are. My point is not about driving. There is a growing resentment among Miamians towards New Yorkers, and that's why we went to see the license plate. There has always been tension. New Yorkers have been coming to Miami for many years to inform us of the many ways in which our city is inferior to New York. Our bagels suck, our pizza sucks, our Chinese food sucks, our airport sucks, our politicians are idiots, everybody down here is talking in Spanish. The New Yorkers went home after their vacations and this was temporary. Many of them are staying. They have decided to move to New York permanently despite our many defects, for some crazy reason. They are buying Miami real estate the way a shark snapped up teenaged swimmers. This is good if you want to sell your house, but bad if you want to buy a house, because New Yorkers can be aggressive. The asking price is $450,000. I think I can swing that. I will give you three million dollars. The seller sold. It should be five million. New Yorkers in our neighborhoods, restaurants, stores and parking spaces are upsetting the delicate social balance of Miami, where people from many different places of origin have traditionally coexisted in peace and harmony. I'm joking. We Miamians have traditionally coexisted with the way the Sharks and Jets coexist in West Side Story, except we have a wider range of weapons. It was already tense down here, and I am worried that with all these New Yorkers, it will get even more tense. I'm worried about what will happen when the hurricanes start on June 1 and end on February 14 because of global climate change. If we get hit by a big storm, the newcomers will panic. They won't have the experience and knowledge to do what we locals do during a storm. We also panic. We panic in a proven way. As a veteran Miamian, I thought it would be nice of me to share my knowledge of hurricanes with my new neighbors from New York as well as the tech people who have moved here from Silicon Valley. I have put together a guide. 1. At least 25 pounds of canned cocktail wieners will be given to each member of your household if you buy a large quantity of emergency food at Publix. Even if you steal them from other shoppers, buy as many large plastic jugs of water as you can. 2. Immediately after you get home, start snacking on your emergency food. If you finish it before the storm arrives, you will be less likely to be carried away by the high winds. 3. Put the water jugs in a storage closet and forget about them. 4. You can buy plywood at Home Depot. Don't even think about how much or why. This is a tradition in South Florida and just do it. 5. If you forgot to get ice on the first trip, go back to the store. 6. If you see objects that could become deadly missiles, check your property. You bought plywood back in Step 4. Throw these items onto your neighbor's property under the cover of darkness. 7. If you have lizards on your property, you should anchor them to the ground with a lizard tie-down kit, which is available at Home Depot. If you think tying down your lizards is stupid, you have never been in a Category 5 storm with an iguana hurtling towards you at 140 miles per hour. Many South Floridians have had this happen to them. It is one of the reasons why we drive the way we do. There are 8. Go back to the store where you bought the batteries. You will lose electrical power during the storm despite the fact that FPL has crews working around the clock making TV commercials about what a swell company they are. Before the storm arrives, you should fill your bathtub with electricity. You can get rubber gloves at Home Depot. You will be prepared for the storm when you complete these simple steps. All you have to do is relax, chew your emergency food, and watch the TV weather people tell you that it's very dangerous to stand on the beach. If an emergency arises and you need help or advice, do not hesitate to call on one of your South Florida neighbors. We won't be here, so you have to use your phone to reach us. We will be in New York. The bagels are good. The actress from Last Man Standing wore a mini dress by Oscar De la Renta to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party and fans are here for her. The doctor I saw is not the only one who is unhappy. Few know that Amazon has millions of Prime subscribers. His parents were able to correct him. The Guardia Civil discovered over 1,000 stuffed animals in a 538,000 square foot warehouse in Valencia on April 6. The warehouse owner is under investigation for crimes against flora and fauna. The stuffed animals are worth $32 million and the man has not been arrested. Donald Trump spoke for a little over an hour at a rally in North Carolina on Saturday. A man builds a trap to catch a thief. A sports fan is in the house. 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Expec is the more significant storm. One of the claims Trump made at his rally was that it would take three weeks to complete a wall along the Mexico-US border if he were reelected president. You can battle your way through a visually-stunning mythicalRPG realm with hundreds ofchampions from 14factions. Gardeners love to hate lawns, so I might get some hate mail for devoting valuable April garden column space to the lawn. Two aides helped Rep. Madison Cawthorn stand from his wheelchair at a Trump rally. If you are traveling on a budget, this is the best place to eat. You can find and compare your legal options online. The weather is going to warm up. The bugs are also. This summer, keep an eye out for these insects. Greg Sissel of Denver was at the Masters for the third time this week, and he made a lasting memory after a spectacular shot by Charl Schwartzel. Readers give their opinions on a variety of topics. A high-interest account allows you to earn compound interest, while still having full access to your money. These are the top picks. False and misleading information about the Russian invasion of Ukraine has spread quickly on social media. USA TODAY has fact checks. Obumseli was a handsome Texan who came to Miami to work. His girlfriend was a social media personality who has millions of followers. Jamie Faith was shot seven times while walking his dog. Why did his wife want him dead?Miami Herald
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