Christine Emba, author and Washington Post columnist, argues in her new book that love should be the standard in which we have sex. She dislikes casual sex and the sexual liberation movement. One chapter is titled, "We're Liberated, and We're Miserable."
Rethinking sex is not perfect. Emba does not discuss queer or trans casual sex at all. A lot of my experiences and that of others are left out. She talks about the impact of pornography without talking to people who make it.
This book made me look at sex, but not think about it. I and others in my circle found casual sex to be satisfying. I have experienced instances of dubious consent during casual sex as described in the book, like "surprise choking", which can happen during sex between committed partners, too.
Emba argues that casual sex has serious consequences. Is it a good idea to stop having it? Emba made a researched argument against the status-quo if she had done nothing else. The argument doesn't have any of the sexual diversity that exists today.
We cannot discuss casual sex or the proliferation of hookup culture without societal context. The sexual revolution of the 1960's and 70's, technology like social media and dating apps, and the excesses of late capitalism are some of the factors that led to casual sex in the United States.
If you have the right app, everything can be on-demand in late capitalism: entertainment, food, and dates.
The dating and sex landscape was completely changed by dating apps, such as Tinder, which shifted the dating and sex landscape towards more hookups and less romance. The reasons include introducing people who never intersect, anonymizing potential dates, and seemingly endless options.
It can be easy to reduce the human behind the pixelated profile into just that: pixels. Dating app critics claim that their use causes us to devalue each other, to treat other people as disposable like any other commodity, which can lead to quitting it.
In Rethinking Sex, Emba interviews a woman who said she ordered a man on the dating app and invited him over for sex.
Young people are having less sex at the same time. Gen Z's dislike for casual sex is so strong that some have been deemedpuriteens, though their abstinence doesn't have to do with being puritanical.
It is obvious that cowardice is the reason for this, with a long stretch without social interactions and thus no casual sex.
If you can't experience it in person, then going online is your best bet, and there is plenty of sex online to keep you entertained. There is porn, erotica, fan fiction, fan art, and discussions. There is a real threat to online sexuality in the form of legislation, but for now it is possible to find what you are looking for. If you can't get a date or simply don't want to because of social anxiety, there's always the internet to fill the void.
The ubiquity of pornography means that more and more women have had to deal with it.
Porn acts as if it is education for many teens and adults. Emba acknowledges this, but her critique of the current system does not go any further. There is a lack of sex education in the United States. Not every state requires sex ed to be taught. We are not taught how our bodies should feel during sex. Sex education improves media literacy and fosters healthy relationships and communication.
If porn-obsessed men receive comprehensive sex education, they would be better sexual partners. Emba says that porn degrades women without considering the wide variety of ethical porn made for and by women.
One part of Emba's porn discussion that I agree with is that online porn has popularized sexual activities like choking and anal sex. Sex workers consent to these activities off-camera, which is a common practice in porn. When porn viewers don't know how consent and negotiation work, the result may be non-consented activities, or pressure to participate.
Rachel Thompson wrote in her book Rough that it is misleading to call rough sex or choking non-consensual. It is not sexual violence. Emba does not discuss consensual choking or actual relationships with other people. In Rethinking Sex, the activities seem to be related to casual sex and bad sex.
If having sex was once taboo, not having it is today, I agree with Emba. There is also pressure to hook up, just like there is pressure to drink in our society.
Emba goes on to say that being pressured into a single understanding of what you must and must not do is the opposite of personal freedom.
Bad sex may be the result of having sex you don't want. Bad sex isn't exclusive to casual encounters, but many anecdotal stories do occur with non-committed partners. There is no one true definition of bad sex, but different genders see it differently.
This is not to say that pain with sex is normal. If sex hurts you, you should get a medical professional to help.
Bad sex in her definition is awkward. Sex is part of sexuality.
If you don't have the bad, you won't be able to know what good is.
What if bad sex means you didn't want to have it in the first place? The sex we have that we don't want to have but consent to is called bad sex. This happens during casual flings, but there is a lot of bad sex in our culture.
Why do women consent to sex they don't really want to have?
One example from Rethinking Sex is that women have sex because they believe they should, and because they want to fit in with what others are doing.
It was necessary to master attachment-free sex in order to be liberated and urbane, to experience the truest form of pleasure, and to have something to tell their friends.
You will end up consenting to actions you don't actually want to do if you combine this societal pressure with immediate external pressure.
This type of sex can be traumatizing. Nearly a quarter of women have felt scared during sex, compared to 10% of men, according to a study.
Sex education is severely lacking in the United States. Credit: Vicky Leta / Mashable
What is the solution to casual sex? To Emba, having sex only when you love each other is the standard of love. This is a bold stance, and may not appeal to you. It is possible to have satisfying casual sex with someone you only like, or to find your feelings are stronger after physical contact.
If you have had a lot of casual sex, you know what it is like to have sex with someone who doesn't love you or care about you. It can be demoralizing. You can feel ignored after a one-time hookup in the age of dating apps.
Emba believes in loving your partner. She believes in a certain love and respect for someone you sleep with.
She is pro-love and doesn't think you have to be crazy in love to be pro-love.
Emba goes on. She borrowed a phrase from Thomas Aquinas, " Will the good of the other." In this context, willing the good means showing someone care and respecting their dignity. If you don't think sex will be good for you and your partner, maybe you won't engage in it.
It can be difficult to figure out what is good for someone else. How do we know if someone is right or wrong? What if we investigated our own desires prior to having sex? If we want to have sex at all, what kind of sex do we want?
What do we want from sex? Outside of sex, these can be achieved. Journalist Reina Gattuso suggests that we should define sexual liberation for ourselves. Whether it is a committed partner or a one-time fling, name what you want.
Talking about sex and setting boundaries is important in any relationship. This isn't easy, as Thompson acknowledges in Rough, but boundaries are essential for your mental health and self-esteem, they are also vital in making you feel safe and comfortable in sexual situations.
She said to live in the moment if you want to engage in casual sex. Sex may not flourish into something else if you want to have it one night.
It is possible that you disagree with Emba's love notion all together. The founder and CEO of tickle.life asks what is love. I don't think many of us know what love is.
Sex helps you get to know someone before you fall in love with them. It can be gratifying if that is what you are looking for. She suggests that if you have casual sex, focus on the moment.
Casual sex is your choice, whether you agree with Emba or not. Maybe what we should be doing is figuring out what we want to do. We need to rethink what sex looks like for us.
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