Meet Eli. He entered the second year of his life with gusto, and now, at 18 months, he is discovering new things every day, including ideas he wants to try out immediately. Right now. It is not an option to wait.
His passion for life often leads to him becoming emotionally overwhelmed and having frequent meltdowns. Phrases like "no", "do it myself", and "mine" are used a lot.
Eli kicks, bites and cries when the smallest thing ends. Although he is still developing a command of words, he shouts "I don't love you, Dad!" with devastating accuracy. At home and out in public, there are outbursts.
Eighty-five percent of 18 to 24-month-olds, 92 percent of 30 to 36-month-olds, and 59 percent of 42 to 48-month-olds have had at least one tantrums.
The terrible twos might sound accurate, but branding toddlerhood 18 months to 36 months is an injustice to this group. The growth happening at this age is not comprehended by the generic label. The developing emotional life of a toddler is at once complex and exhilarating.
A surge in capacities is coupled with behavior falling apart is what Eli is at. At this age, children need to learn how to cope with intense feelings such as fear, anger, frustration and sadness while establishing independence. What a normal trajectory for emotional regulation looks like is still being discovered by researchers.
At this age, feelings and defiance are normal. It can be difficult for parents to support their toddlers.
The role of sensitive care-giving plays in social and emotional development in the early years is not captured by focusing solely on a toddler's behavior.
A core component of sensitive and responsive parenting is the ability of a parent to put themselves into the mind of their young child and understand the child&s behavior has meaning and is driven by internal experiences such as feelings, thoughts, desires and intentions.
Being able to understand the world from the child's perspective helps a parent to anticipate, interpret and respond to the child's behavior in ways that build a child's capacity to regulate their emotions.
Eli's dad didn't experience a lot of tantrums with his first child, so he finds Eli's emotional outbursts hard to tolerate. He became angry when Eli refused to do what he was told and yelled at him to stop. Eli sometimes retreats and escalates in his distress because of this.
Eli's dad is unaware of his toddler's internal experiences and is confused by his own feelings when parenting him. Children are at risk of developing more serious emotional and behavioral problems if they have frequent emotional outbursts and an authoritative parenting style.
Eli's dad needs to understand that his primary role at this stage is to put his child's experiences at the center of his mind. He has to make sense of what Eli is saying about himself through his behavior and respond in a sensitive way. Eli can be overwhelmed by feelings.
1. You should be aware of your own responses.
Tantrums can be very emotional for parents. Being aware and making sense of your own feelings will help you respond to your child's distress. Eli's dad is calmer when he makes sense of his anger issues.
2. Evaluate your child's difficult feelings.
Young children need help from their parents to know that their feelings are just that, feelings that will pass in time. They need to figure out what is causing them and get help naming them.
3. Search for the underlying meaning.
Don't take emotional outbursts personally. Parents can think through possible solutions when they view a tantrum as a means of communication.
Eli's dad can help his child put themselves back together after emotional eruptions, which may be less frequent. toddlers can learn to tolerate frustration, gain a sense of control, and find words to express their feelings with consistent support.
It's no easy task to raise a toddler. Today's parents have the advantages of leaps in knowledge. These can be hard to access and even harder to practice. We can fall back into the familiar ways we were raised in, or we can try to do the opposite of how we were raised.
Investment in early intervention programs for everyone or at a targeted level where the parent-child relationship is in trouble could provide the building blocks for lifelong emotional well-being for families and for society.
Lynn Priddis is an associate professor at The University of Western Australia.
This article is free to use under a Creative Commons license. The original article is worth a read.
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