Our State Said My Husband And I Have To Get Remarried. The Reason Is Ridiculous.

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The author and her husband, Tony, on their wedding day. (Photo: Courtesy of Susan Corso)

The first time someone told me we had to get married again, I kicked it upstairs.

The journey to make my husband's legal identity match his internal identity was the last step of a year. There was a petition to the New York Supreme Court.

The legal transformation began after we received certified copies. I needed to petition various federal, state and local governments to make the pieces of paper that constitute a legal life in these times conform to who my husband really is.

The process was made simpler by the center at Ithaca College. They publish a guide to legal paperwork for families like ours.

Social Security was the first. I applied. We waited. My call to them indicated that my husband's government name had been changed. He had a new Social Security Card with the same number, name and gender.

I couldn't relate to the idea of a government name or even a name I didn't want to look at anymore, but I thought I understood his anguish.

To get an ID card, you have to go to the DVM. He had an appointment, a show of paperwork, a new photo and a $10 bill, and he was good to go. It took 20 minutes.

We contacted the state of his birth, Connecticut, to get a new birth certificate. It was more complicated than the federal process because we needed to have documentation from a psychologist. We received copies of his new birth certificate with his legal name and gender on it.

My husband was happy when a new piece of paper arrived. The last item was our marriage license.

We dealt with the office at City Hall in Kingston, New York, to get our license. I was so confident that this last step would make everything conform to the reality of my husband's identity that I called the office.

We had to get married again, a new license, a new ceremony, and then we would have the correct name.

I kicked it upstairs.

The Department of Health is where the registrar sends her paperwork. I checked out the website that claimed to explain Public Instructions for Marriage Correction and Amendments and read the instructions carefully.

Who could make the request? Either spouse or anyone with a New York State court order.

For what reason? There is a table listing possible reasons. I wanted to correct the name and gender rather than the birth name.

The author and her husband's hands, wearing their new wedding rings, on their wedding day. (Photo: Courtesy of Susan Corso)

We filled out the Application for Correction of Marriage, we submitted the required certified copy of the birth certificate, and I was toast at dinner that night. My husband was not happy.

The end was in sight. All the paperwork would be aligned. I saw the pain on my husband's face every time he saw that government name.

The Year of Name Change Paperwork would end in 2021. We heard from the DOH, but it was not what we were expecting. Because you legally changed your name after the marriage, we can't list it on the marriage license.

Wait, it gets better.

If you want to get a marriage license showing your new name, you and your spouse need to get married again.

Um. What happens to the original marriage? Who is my wife?

It gets better.

The original marriage date is still the date you provide to any agency, but you will need to supply both marriage licenses to prove that. If you want to show that your name was changed after the fact, you should provide the legal name change order with the marriage license.

Which marriage certificate did you need? The one that has the correct date? Or the one with the correct spouse? It reminded me of when the Defense of Marriage Act was enacted. People would ask if we were married. It depended on which state we were in.

If we wanted to have the license corrected instead of undergoing a new marriage, we would have to get a New York State Supreme Court license.

I'm going to do it, and it's called a Special Action. When I called the clerk of the court to find out how, and explained what I wanted, the woman who answered the phone said it was not right.

It isn't.

This last leg of paperwork made me realize how demoralizing it is to have a name that doesn't reflect your true self.

What would it be like to face a name that isn't yours every day? How might it affect your experience of yourself? I couldn't imagine this before, but with everything we've been through, I now can.

The year of name change paperwork has been extended. Maybe, just maybe, our Special Action will cause the State of New York to change. What my husband and I have had to go through is vastly different from what two cisgender partners in our position would have encountered. This is not the same as the other one.

Governor Hochul and the New York State Department of Health are working to address this process for New Yorkers through a bill which would amend domestic relations law to allow for changes.

Dr. Susan Corso is a minister. She has been a spiritual counselor for 40 years and is the author of many books. Her work is online. Her fiction is here.

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The article was originally on HuffPost.

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