With nearly one in five Americans reporting heavy drinking during the Pandemic, it is no surprise sober curiosity is becoming a burgeoning lifestyle. The idea of not going completely sober, but minimizing drinking started growing in popularity even before COVID, and now the interest is surging.
This is also true of daters. A survey of 3,000 adults over 21 found that 94 percent of them would be interested in someone who didn't drink at all.
With drinking so important to American dating culture and social culture as a whole, how can one date sober? We asked the experts if it was about being open about your goals and setting boundaries.
Heather Lowe is a certified life and recovery coach with the International Center for Addiction and Recovery Education.
Prior to the Pandemic, interest in sober curiosity was growing, with mixologists serving up mocktails and Dry January being a household term. After a period of high alcohol use for some, this curiosity is booming, and the zero-proof market is expected to only climb further.
74 percent of singles have considered limiting their drinking in the past year, with 21 percent considering not drinking at all.
The emphasis on health and well being makes sense. People are starting to pay more attention to their wellbeing given the last few years, according to Minaa B., one of eharmony's relationship experts.
Alcohol might be having a cigarette moment.
According to eharmony, 73 percent of singles are more attracted to people doing growth work like therapy, but it is not just about therapy. Alcohol can impact mental health.
Robin Finley, a licensed marriage and family therapist from South Carolina, said that the Pandemic made us more aware of our mortality. People may reduce their drinking for health reasons.
She said there can be a desire to emotionally connect while sober.
B. agreed, saying, "Sober curiosity is also coming up in regard to building healthier, more authentic connections."
You might want to try an app for sober dating. You can share your drinking status with other dating apps. The Sober Badge was launched by Bumble last year. You may have to pay for a subscription if you want to exclude those who drink.
Mentioning your sobriety or curiosity in your dating app bio can be a conversation starter.
Even if you don't display your status on your profile, B. recommends communicating with your potential partner at some point.
She said to be open, honest, and confident about the stance that you have chosen to take and the changes you are interested in pursuing regarding use of alcohol relating to dating while sober.
Be aware of where you have a date. Bars are an obvious choice in modern dating, but they are not the most comfortable for sober people. Branch out to places where alcohol is not the focus, like a bowling alley or a movie theater. Alcohol will be served there, but it is not the primary activity.
Lowe said you can go out for drinks that are non- alcoholic. You can get coffee, lemonade, or a drink. Try something new, such as visiting an art show or taking a fitness class.
B said that respect should be at the root of any relationship, whether a fling or a long term partner.
There are different signs and signals that this person can respect your desires. Alcohol is ingrained in our culture, and you may see people who are judgmental or pushy. Stand firm in your boundaries if you are pressured to drink or if you are not drinking at all.
There are a number of ways to respond if someone crosses your boundaries. You can offer a suggestion for how to proceed or restate your boundary, but I will stick with water. If you prefer, you can tell your date in the moment or later. You can end the date if you are not happy with it.
They may be interested in your choices, and that is okay. B said that if someone starts using language that makes you feel bad or tries to change your mind, that is a red flag.
Lowe suggests a plan for dealing with the challenge of declining alcohol in a setting that encourages use. It can help build your own self-confidence if you say no.
Keeping your own boundary is something that should be considered. B says to give yourself some grace if you find yourself breaking them. Change doesn't happen overnight in a society where alcohol is present.
B suggested that you go back to your original intentions. Why do you want to do this? How will not drinking affect you?
Lowe said that you don't have to give in to a craving. You can imagine how you will feel after a successful sober date by playing the tape forward.
What support will make this journey easier for you? You can find an accountability partner, or develop rituals and routines to keep you sober.
Getting back into the present can help in the moment.
You can use the techniques offered by B. in a situation where people are drinking. Look at the senses. Pop one if the bar has peppermints. There is music in the room. If you feel better, carry a stress ball or a fidget spinner. The practices take you out of your head and into your body.
Again, mistakes happen. There is no switch flip that will kill your desire for alcohol. B said that beating ourselves up about it keeps us stuck in a cycle of shame and guilt.
Getting to know your potential partners is what dating is all about. You want to know their interests, but also their values, especially if you are looking for a dedicated partner.
Our core values are our character traits and how we engage with the world. Those things tend to stay the same.
She would encourage you to think about what they value in life. This usually comes from our core beliefs and what we care about. Sharing your core beliefs with your partner will build a foundation for your relationship. If not drinking is important to you, you want a partner who understands that.
Being sober or curious is a total superpower and you can view it that way.
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