Kyiv diary: ‘Was I right not to leave?’

A good friend suggested that I go to an expensive modern restaurant when I returned to Kyiv from the security conference. I hesitated, but then I asked myself, what if war breaks out tomorrow? Don't deny yourself. I drank two glasses of good Italian wine after ordering a green papaya salad and shrimp dumplings. I would eat sausage sandwiches and sleep on the concrete floor of a metro platform for a week.

On the morning of February 24, Putin published a video message announcing the start of a special military operation. I immediately realized that this meant war, even though the western media seemed to think it was a hoax, and even though foreign intelligence seemed to think it was a bluff.

I heard the sounds of war during the video message. I woke my mother and told her to get dressed quickly and to get away from the windows as a Russian rocket could hit at any time. I have done very little journalistic work since that morning, concentrating on my family's safety.

I went to my mother to discuss the plan of action, which was to leave or stay. We didn't get to discuss that. My relatives from Kherson, the city in southern Ukraine where I was born, called and said that their granddaughter was stuck in Kyiv. She was in tears on the other side of the city after the first explosions. We decided to take her in. Our little company of women was formed. I am 38, my mother is 67, and my sister is 17. We have been hiding from the war for almost a week.

I have worked as a political journalist for 14 years. I always have something to say about Ukrainian politics. I covered the elections of four Ukrainian presidents and the revolution that ousted Viktor Yanukovych. He moved away from the European Union in favor of closer ties with Russia. The people did not forgive him for that.

In Russia, one person held on to the throne despite presidents changing. That is not my business. Ukrainian politics has enough of its own problems without Russia, and I write about it. Despite our internal problems, we have something that Putin will never be able to accept: freedom, democracy, a strong civil society and the country's already steadfast course towards integration with the European Union and NATO.

Unlike Russia, Ukrainians know how to change politicians with fair elections and the help of the streets. Putin is afraid of the first and the second. He can't forgive us for the fact that our country is becoming more and more distant from Russia every year. He found a way to destroy the entire state.

February 24. Three people met in my mother's kitchen for a family council of war. She wanted to return to her parents in Kherson because she wasn't handling the situation well. That wasn't possible. Due to the fighting in the south of the country, no trains or buses are going to the city. Russian soldiers entered Kherson on the morning of March 1.

It didn't seem right to go to western Ukraine or an EU country. I have to keep them safe because mum wanted to stay in the apartment in Kyiv and Nastya wanted to return home.

We decided to follow all the safety rules and not leave. It is time to run and hide when the sirens go off. The basement of the multistorey building where my mother lives is disgusting, so our best protection from bombs is the nearest metro station.

We didn't know what to take. We spent the night sitting in folding chairs. We immediately saw the advantages of this particular bomb shelter. You can't hear the street sounds or explosions down there, and police officers are there to keep you safe. They asked us to stop using our phone's geolocation service to avoid being picked up by Russian groups.

We have spent five nights in the metro and there are fewer people hiding and more people fleeing. The sight of women with young children forced to sleep on the platform floor is something that pains me the most. I don't know if children and adults understand what's happening.

Everyone in the metro station is reading the news at night. No one has illusions that Putin will destroy the Ukrainian population. We watch every video address given by Zelensky, and even those who were against him admit that he is acting with great boldness. It gives us hope.

I have seen tears and heard prayers during my nights down here, and the Ukrainian national anthem was played on the trumpet. Volunteers have brought tea, coffee, instant vermicelli and biscuits. The metro worker's wife is one of the volunteers.

Ukrainian national anthem in the metro station (bomb shelter) #Ukraine pic.twitter.com/F30QT5dqZY

— Kristina Berdynskykh (@berdynskykh_k) February 28, 2022

We understand what we need to bring with us with each new night. We now have a blanket. The bed is on the floor. Everyone can cover themselves with three other blankets. It is still very cold at night. We wear clothes, jackets, boots and hats. We took seats in a train carriage. We hadn't slept on the concrete floor that night.

We have sandwiches and bottled water. We don't have to stand in long lines because mum bakes her own bread at home.

I don't have a sense of security. I don't need money or food, I'm transferring funds to help the Ukrainian army. Ukrainians collected 1.5 billion hryvnia in two days. The war has taught us to fight for our future.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the fear that a huge Russian army will destroy Ukraine. The military, territorial defence and ordinary people are determined to protect the country. I'm pretty sure that this war will finish Putin. Even if he destroys most of the population, he won't be able to break it. Why should Ukraine pay such a high price for its freedom?

There are more personal accounts of the war in Ukraine.

Oleksandr Mykhed wrote about the language of war.

Haska Shyyan told her daughter about the war.

Sergei Loznitsa, a film-maker, says that lies bring us to the catastrophe we are facing.

I am often asked if the west did enough to stop Putin. I think that the Russian economy has been affected by sanctions. More support would be appreciated. Ukrainians have died for European ideals before. There are people in Europe who are ready to die for their ideals. A humanitarian catastrophe and tens of thousands of deaths may await us, but we are not worthy to be part of the EU.

My main complaint is not with the west. People going to mass protests could distract Putin. It is difficult to fight on two fronts, suppressing anger within one country and fighting against the Ukrainians. There is antiwar action in Russia, but it is not a real revolution.

I don't know how this war will end. I wanted to stay with my mother and sister in Kyiv. Will we survive? At a difficult time for the country, I don't work as a journalist, but I am thinking about my family. I know that the ones who resisted Putin will go down in history as the ones who paid the highest price. What are the history books that we have? We just want to live.

A political journalist is based in Kyiv.

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