Traveling As A Gay, Married Couple: My Philosophy

I am in the process of publishing a trip report about our trip. Some readers asked me about my comfort level with traveling with a gay partner.

I wanted to address that topic more broadly now that we are at the point in the trip report where we are visiting a Middle Eastern country. How do I decide where to travel, how do I change my behavior when traveling based on the destination, etc. I am curious to hear how others approach this.

We don't travel places as a couple because we feel like we have to hide who we are.

A few disclaimers to start

Before I start sharing my approach to traveling and being gay, I want to acknowledge a few things.

• I recognize I’m incredibly fortunate to live in a country where I can (for the most part) live my life freely, and I’m also blessed to have a supportive family, and to be financially independent; even in the United States, plenty of people don’t have accepting families, and might not be able to support themselves financially, leading to some bad situations
• There’s a big difference between being a visitor somewhere and trying to live one’s life somewhere, so I’m not suggesting “well I didn’t have any problems in X country, and therefore no one will”
• I’m just sharing my experiences and beliefs, which I’ve come to after endless travel over the years; of course others may have different experiences, and I’m not saying these opinions will apply everywhere in the world
• In the comments section I’d love to hear how others approach these complex issues, though I ask everyone be respectful; we can all share our beliefs without putting other people down

Let's talk about my general philosophy.

It’s important to be out and unapologetic

Coming out to yourself and accepting who you are can be difficult for a gay person. The older I have gotten, the less sheepish and unapologetic I have become. I'm not going to lose sleep over what people think about me being gay. Gay travelers might be less accepted in some countries when they travel there.

I think it is my duty to come out whenever I can. The goal is not to make people uncomfortable or shame them into acceptance, but to build a bridge and make people feel better about themselves. We all have preconceived notions about certain groups of people, and the way to get over those is to show people that our similarities outnumber our differences.

Coming out is a never-ending, complicated process

It is normal for people to assume that you are friends when you travel as a gay couple. I'd spend a lot of time being upset if anyone made that assumption, so that doesn't benefit anyone.

I try to avoid that when I feel it is safe and helpful to do so. Let me show you some examples.

• If I’m in contact with a hotel in advance, I’ll make it clear that I’m traveling with my husband, so that they’re clear on what the relationship is, and that booking a room with one bed isn’t a mistake; whether or not they process that correctly is a different story
• If I’m in a setting where it’s safe to do so (in my travels that’s a vast majority of places), and I’m referring to Ford in any context, I refer to him as what he is, which is my husband
• If someone refers to him as my friend, I’m typically not going to correct them right away, because I don’t think it helps to make anyone feel like they offended me (and I’m not offended, for that matter); that being said, if I interact with the same person multiple times, I might say “oh I’m just waiting on my husband, he should be here shortly,” or something, so that hopefully they get the hint

Context matters and is also important to acknowledge.

• If I’m in a taxi in Moscow at 10PM and the driver is trying to get us to go to a strip club, we’re not going to correct him and tell him we’re gay (note: I’m not going to Moscow now, but this did happen when we visited several years back)
• Generally speaking I feel much more comfortable being openly gay when staying at a major international chain hotel, because they have global standards around acceptance and inclusivity; if I were (theoretically) at a small guest house in Saudi Arabia it would of course be a totally different story
• Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to come out (because it’s exhausting), or the setting isn’t right; in 2018 I wrote about my experience getting a massage in Singapore, and the lady asked if I have kids, and when I said I didn’t she asked “why not?” and said that after the massage I’ll “be nice and relaxed and can make babies soon,” and I don’t really feel like that’s the time to come out

There’s value in interactions at all levels

I think the individual interactions you can have with people at a chain hotel is potentially huge. Perceptions are a slow process and don't change overnight. For example, if you want to see how many workers are from all over the world, you can take a look at Dubai.

Some countries don't accept gays and may be where you interact with workers. I think there is value in being yourself around them, and that will lead to a shift in mindsets over time.

People don't shift their perception because they take a one hour training course about inclusivity. They shift from experience to experience.

I have had people in countries that aren't particularly accepting come out to me and say how they couldn't come out to their family.

Laws in the Middle East are complex for everyone

I get that people say they will never travel to a Middle Eastern country because of the laws against gays. You are correct that the laws are problematic. I wouldn't travel to Saudi Arabia with Ford and book a hotel room with one bed because Ford doesn't want to travel there.

I have no problem being myself for countries like the United Arab Emirates. If someone wants to boycott these countries because of the laws, I respect that. I also think there is more to understand.

• Admittedly a lot of these countries have a lot of laws that aren’t actually enforced, and this goes way beyond being gay; this includes laws around public displays of affection, laws around unmarried people staying in the rooms, laws around sex, etc.
• For example, until 2020 it was technically illegal for unmarried people to share a hotel room in the UAE; yet how many tens of millions of unmarried couples visited the UAE over time, shared a hotel room, and had no issues?
• Essentially many Middle Eastern countries operate on a system of unenforced laws, which is a problem, but that also goes way beyond laws involving same sex relationships
• My philosophy is that if you’re respectful to locals, including following local customs, then they’ll be respectful back to you

It is important to recognize when countries are making progress even if they are not as far along as other countries. Many countries in the Middle East are only a few decades old and have official religions.

There is a difference between a country that has been around for hundreds of years and a country that has been around for a few decades.

Bottom line

I get questions about my approach to traveling to countries that aren't particularly accepting of gay travelers. The above is a good rundown of the approach that I take. I'm not saying I'm right, but I'm sharing my take.

I think it's important to hide who you are whenever you can, and I don't want to go to places where I have to hide who I am. Since local customs have to be respected as well, there is a balance here. People might think that those are black and white.

I am curious how OMAAT readers approach this issue.