I drank Hard Mountain Dew and felt like I was staring at God

I feel like the scientist at the beginning of a disaster movie who just discovered that something is very dangerous for all of us.

The new line of Hard Mountain Dew drinks was given to me by Boston Beer Company. They made alcoholic Mountain Dew. I have actually done this, but now it is done for you by professionals and packaged into either 12 oz. or 24 oz. cans.

Hard Mountain Dew is only available in three states: Tennessee, Florida, and Iowa. I don't think I'll have to ask why certain states were selected to welcome such a beverage. It doesn't matter. The folks who make this stuff sent me a sample package and I went down the rabbit hole with my roommates.

Hard Mountain Dew is going to be a test of will at any party where someone brings a case. This could be a fight for the soul of mankind.

The flavors

Gorgeous. Credit: PepsiCo/Boston Beer Company

I don't envy the people who had to choose which Mountain Dew flavor to use in Hard Mountain Dew. There are so many to choose from that people of certain ages have an emotional affinity for. Code Red was the most popular flavor at convenience stores when I was a kid. Someone from a different era might feel different.

The Dew-givers went with something for the launch.

• The regular is green.

• Baja blast.

• There is watermelon.

• Black cherry.

That's a decent cross-section of flavors. The default green Dew is guaranteed a roster spot no matter what; black cherry is a classic variant of any treat, and watermelon is a classic variant of any treat.

It would have been criminal not to include the Baja Blast. You just have to include the formerly exclusive flavor in your order if you want to get a taco bell. Code Red isn't included in the initial flavor lineup because I have to grapple with my own mortality as I get older and hold onto as much of my youth as I can. I think it tastes good.

Tasting good is the best thing about Hard Mountain Dew.

They did it. They really did it.

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You can't tell if there is alcohol in any of these drinks. 5% alcohol by volume isn't a huge amount, but it's the same amount as in White Claw. Hard Mountain Dew has a bit of a kick at the end of a swig.

It tastes like Mountain Dew, but will get you drunk if you let it. I tasted all four flavors with my two roommates, and by the end of the process I was so happy I didn't want to go back to sleep. That was without drinking a full can. I might have taken a sick day if they had sent 24 ounce cans.

The default flavor maintains the vaguely citrus-y vibe it has always had. I've never had a watermelon-flavored soft drink, but it tastes pretty much the same. The closest thing to a disappointment is black cherry, which tasted more like a red cherry flavor without going all the way into Code Red territory. I like black cherry seltzers because they usually have a bite on the back-end that you don't get with regular cherry. I would drink it again if I had to, but I felt a little deceived by the branding.

Baja Blast is the star of the whole Mountain Dew show. They are using chemicals to make that tropical lime flavor that shines through with Baja Blast. I don't drink very much anymore, but I could see myself downing four of these bad boys in an hour if I were in the mood. It is both thrilling and perilous.

The guy who discovered fire must have felt that way. It's possible that we weren't meant to use such power in the form of a beverage.

All four flavors are the same color when poured into a glass. The regular flavor of battery acid green is what we all love, while Baja Blast is in teal. There are different shades of red for watermelon and black cherry. They might look a little unattractive outside of the can, but it will remind you that you are consuming a lot of mysterious chemicals.

I am not going to act like Mountain Dew is healthy. People interested in health should avoid these drinks. They are free of sugar and caffeine. If you drink too much, you will probably get a regular hangover and not one of those terrible sugar hangovers.

God help us all

The Hard Mountain Dew cans were shipped to me like precious gemstones. Credit: Alex Perry / Mashable

At some point, Hard Mountain Dew will be available in more than just three states, which would be a bad way to make money. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers when that happens.

These drinks are delicious. It has messed up. This shouldn't be allowed. Alcoholic beverages should taste like alcohol. You don't want to have too many at once because they should be unpleasant.

Hard Mountain Dew doesn't care about our human rules. This is the mindset of a beverage that has never been done before. It will be easy to down a bunch of these in a row, especially for people who like the taste of soda more than the taste of beer. I like beer and I haven't had a real Mountain Dew in a long time, but I still felt the pull after sampling Hard Mountain Dew.

If you want to get your hands on Hard Mountain Dew, go for the Baja Blast and get all of it out of your system before you turn 30. The day after gets a lot harder.