The last time I went on a date was before the flu started. I've been on a "dating sabbatical" since the beginning of the year and I don't feel like I'm ready to get back out there.
Although initially understanding, my friends, family, and therapist are now showing some light concern over my ambivalence to relationships. I told myself that I needed to take a break to focus on myself. My sex life has transitioned into sex once every couple of years. I have begun to accept that I'm hiding.
I don't blame it all on having a mental health condition called borderline personality disorder.
I've invested a lot of time and money in recovery and it's difficult to date. I've spent countless hours of therapy learning to name and process my emotions in a healthier way. I may have been the first to judge the validity of emotion wheels. I no longer feel broken by the disorder after a few years. I only feel sick when I'm dating. I find myself avoiding it completely because of fear.
One of the most stigmatized mental health disorders is borderline personality disorder. Some people think that those with the disorder are not worthy of being loved. The vicious cycle of actions to cope with the burden of stigma is created by the emotional instability of those with BPD. Some may neglect treatment and not take their medication. It doesn't have to. There are strategies that can help people with BPD. If a dater enters a relationship with someone with a disorder, these lessons can be helpful. It can help other people not to think of the disorder in a bad light. We could use all the help we can get because dating is a mess.
Don't we all want to be loved? What makes a person different?
Everyone is affected by BPD in different ways. The most common symptom combinations are impulsivity, chronic emptiness, and trouble controlling emotions. There is an estimated one in 100 people in the UK and two in 100 in the U.S. who have borderline personality disorder, though the actual prevalence is thought to be much higher. People with the disorder are 50 times more likely to die by suicide.
There are many people with BPD who are happy and fulfilled, but there are others who are still hesitant to give up control in relationships. Dating is more destabilising than internal instability because it leads to unstable relationships.
Pre-diagnosis can be difficult to date.
Zahra has always struggled with her mental health, her perception of herself, and her relationship with her emotions. Depression and anxiety did not explain the whole story for her. She says that she was pretending to feel little.
She was dating her best friend at the time and she would ignore her. They had mental health issues of their own, but they were active on social media and interacting with others. She says she would have physical chest pains. On one of these occasions, she spent three days in bed, only to recover by detaching completely. In her case, she intellectualised her emotions instead of engaging with them. They were able to "recover" after this devaluation, as their ex became irrelevant.
Dr. Secrest says that allowing yourself to be present in the emotions is the best way to deal with emotional volatility.
Don't force a fit.
Secrest has seen people overlook how a potential partner's personality dynamics complement theirs. People fight to create a relationship while ignoring incompatibility signs. He uses an analogy of shoe shopping. You may have a perfectly good foot and see a perfectly good shoe. He says that if it doesn't fit, you have to acknowledge that. The lack of a "fit" doesn't mean that either party isn't right for each other, but rather that you aren't right for one another.
This hits home for me. I believe that feelings are enough. I thought desire was enough to make the relationship work, and that compatibility didn't matter. Relationships are more complicated than that. People with BPD have a tendency to pathologise their feelings. There were times when she doubted her entitlement to certain boundaries, like anger at the lack of communication in her previous relationship. She tells me that if she were hurt, she would probably call the police.
There are warning signs of co-dependency and abusive relationships.
People with a personality disorder tend to find each other. Many people think that the conditions are the same, but they are not.
People with BPD can see that those with NPD represent everything they are not. Those with NPD receive continued validation and attention, which provides constant affirmation of their idealised sense of self. Those with NPD want continuous reassurance of their self-esteem, whereas those with BPD want continuous reassurance of their loved ones. This combination can lead to the reinforcement of a distorted world view and create a highly addictive cycle of abuse, because of the dynamic, intense and quick attachment form.
This dynamic was experienced by a 22-year-old student. While her partner wasn't diagnosed with the disease until later, she reflected on how dependent the relationship was. She says codependency is the drug of those with BPD.
Take things slowly.
Since then, she has been dating with more intention. She doesn't rely on romantic partners in her lowest emotional moods. She avoids trauma bonding by avoiding repeating cycles of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement. She continues to invest in her friends and goes to them when in need.
She can get to know her romantic partners while taking her time. She took a three-month vow of celibacy to make sure the relationship was intentional. She advises them to be honest and upfront with their intentions and to remember that other people's possible romantic disinterest or rejection will likely be for the best in the long run. She now knows what her boundaries are and what bad relationships look like.
Don't over think it.
Her latest relationship success was partly due to not over thinking it. She says that you have to take evidence. She has more freedom in the relationship because she stopped second-guessing other people's intentions. She says that we have a huge capacity for over thinking, to the point where these thoughts appear valid. Some of the negative thoughts may be valid, but they shouldn't justify not having healthy and fulfilling relationships.
"Emotions are not debts."
This shouldn't be seen as an instruction to underthink. It's important to check in with yourself while getting to know someone. Secrest reminds people of the importance of trusting and being sure that their energy and love is being treated respectfully. "If I trust, I don't have to verify, but relationships are dynamic and always changing," he says.
He recommends paying attention to the emotions you feel in the moment, if you find yourself forcing a fit with someone. He says that acknowledging and reflecting on what the emotions are trying to get your mind to focus on and become aware can give you an opportunity to work things through. This can make things worse if we run away from our feelings due to their intensity. "Emotions are assets, not liabilities," he concludes.
To embrace fear, learn to do so.
Callisto Adams says fear is the biggest obstacle for her clients. She believes that acknowledging that dating isn't easy is part of the solution. She advises people to engage in activities that help them release negative thoughts after they've done this. "Pay attention to your defence mechanisms as well." She tells me that these will help me stay grounded in the present.
I have a habit of avoiding my emotions. I disengage from the situation completely when this happens. This is impractical for dating as it can lead to a lack of communication. I use my emotion wheel to name my experience when I feel this way. It's been an effective self-soothing method that I use when I make myself aware of why I'm feeling that way. It helps me see what's true and what's not right now. I know to use this method if I get negative thoughts.
Since being diagnosed in July 2020 and having a healthy dating history, Navabi has been using negative experiences to inform her next steps. She says she overcame her fears of dating successfully.
Decide when you are comfortable talking about it.
At the start of a new relationship, Aziz-Kamara doesn't rush revealing her diagnosis, and explains how not sharing it allows for her protection. It's shaped me, and is a big part of me. She doesn't think it needs to be at the center of who she is. She revealed it to someone who began to infantilize her.
The two women share the same sentiment on revealing a diagnosis. She soft launches it by talking about general mental health issues. She says that if she tells you on the fourth date that she is with BPD, it's because she is still with it. It's not like I've removed it from myself.
It's shaped me, and is a big part of me. I don't think it's necessary to be at the center of who I am.
I was curious about Secrest's thoughts on people without the disorder. He tells me that when we don't know everything there is to know about the disorder, the category of BPD is often treated as absolute. The diagnosis comes from a collection of symptoms, but one symptom is focused on more than another.
The assumption that we are "manipulative" and "dangerous" is damaging to people living with BPD. Secrest says that this misses the focus on how two people relate to one another and the patience it takes to form a relationship. He explains that the effort needed to make relationships work is not dependent on an individual's personal experience. He says that it only comes down to what allows a relationship to fit. The willingness to be honest and patient with each other is important.
Invest in your friends.
I have been putting more effort into my platonic relationships even though I have been avoiding romantic relationships. I have been reflecting on how I used to approach relationships. I chose people based on their attraction to me. I can see that many of these relationships lacked substance and would not last long. I have been able to remember that I'm not a burden for simply existing. Being in a healthy relationship with someone can be very healing.
The pursuit can seem frightening with a condition like BPD. There is hope. "Our capacity to feel can lead to a lot of hurt, but it also means we have an incredible potential to love and be your person," says Aziz-Kamara.
Mistakes will be made along the way, but this is not a characteristic of the disorder. In reality, our experiences are dynamic and we might use the label of BPD like it's precise. Through this exploration, I have been reminded of how lucky the people are. At least I have the tools to learn and improve, even though I may not trust other people. The rest of the world is not perfect. Our capacity for love is just as deep as our desire to be loved.
The names have been changed on request.
The Crisis Text Line provides free, confidential support if you want to talk to someone. To be connected to a crisis counselor, text CRISIS to 741741. You can call the help line from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. You can email info@nami.org. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. There is a list of international resources.
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