Two weeks ago, my inbox was full of couples requesting counseling. Every year after Christmas, many couples have a meltdown. It is the combination of forced Christmas togetherness and endless hours spent together that makes people realize they don't know if they like each other or not. The confinement of Covid gives you perfect conditions for relationship breakdown.
Couples contact me. The journey begins when we go to places that most fear to go. Sex and money are usually the top of the problem agenda. The desire for true intimacy and our deep fear of it are at the heart of all this.
It is not easy to work with couples. In couples therapy there are three of us and the room is much more busy than with individual therapy. Emotions explode and then land like small hand grenades.
In my years as a couples counsellor, I've seen everything from the man who secretly loved dressing up when his wife was out to the woman with two lovers in two different continents. A man came in with a gun and said he would shoot himself if his girlfriend wouldn't let him come home.
What happens in therapy stays in the room. It is a mystery to anyone outside the consultation room, and sometimes it is even more so to those inside.
Elaine and DeSean are in therapy. The television network.
Couples Therapy is a programme that shows psychologist Dr Orla Guralnik working with couples. We see DeSean and Elaine yelling at each other, he wants more sex, she doesn't, and so on. There is drama, anguish, fun, shouting, weeping, making up, falling out.
Even though the programme is staged and the couples are most likely chosen because they are able to be eloquent, controversial, in-your-face and vulnerable, the programme is still addictive.
This isn't what couples counseling is usually like. Couples come into my room and then there are silences and no action. When I was training, I sat in on couples sessions and it was like watching paint dry. As couples struggle to articulate their feelings, the process can take a long time.
In the USA, Couples Therapy showcases couples who seem happy to go on camera and open up about their intimate relationships, which is a fundamentally different experience.
They refuse to speak, tell each other off, and get angry. It is dramatic at times. This is not how I work with my couples, I encourage people to talk from the "I" position and to cut out blaming and shaming. I do not allow my couples to take cheap shots at each other. I try to get them to change the way they relate to each other. Communication doesn't get anyone anywhere.
The show gives us an insight into how couples operate. Some of us are interested in the revelations of sex, or lack of it. Some of us want to get some knowledge from the show. If Gurlanick can get couples to open up and give him some advice on their relationship, maybe we can all take something from that. Most people can't afford a top therapist like Gurlanick.
Alan and Evelyn are in therapy. The television network.
voyeurism is also present. Many of us might think that we are not as bad as the other people. The cynical part of us is aware that those who participate in the show might have ulterior motives.
Although this is an American programme, Britons are more open to having therapy than ever before. Generations are coming to the couch. People in their 70s and teenagers are my clients. The ability to communicate is not related to age. Some teenagers are able to share their feelings quickly, while others take a bit more time.
There is a divide between generations when it comes to couples. The under-40s see me before they get to a crisis point. They come because they value their mental health in the same way that they value their physical health. They come because they want to acquire communication tools to head off conflict before it derails them. They are curious and open to each other.
It was [.
We went to therapy to save our friendship.
We went to therapy to save our friendship.
Older couples find it more difficult to play with toys. Long-term married couples seem to know very little about each other. When I asked a man what he thought his wife's sexual fantasies were, he looked absolutely appalled. He said he would never ask her that. It would be very rude.
Most couples have an energy about them. Some people say that they never row and that their relationship needs tweaking. They are terrified of opening up to each other as sessions go on. Some people come in shouting and screaming but end up on the sofa whispering and giggling.
It is fascinating for me. Couples counseling is not for the faint hearted. It is enjoyable and rewarding as it appears on the television.
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