It is difficult to say the perfect thing to say when someone you care about is struggling with depression. It is easier to figure out what not to say.
According to the Mayo Clinic, someone who is depressed will feel ashamed and mistake their belief that they should be able to overcome it with willpower alone. Our words can cause someone to sink deeper into their depression by making them feel shame. Roseann Capanna-Hodge says that when someone is depressed, they aren't themselves in their thinking, feelings, and body, "and that means that every word you say to them really matters."
If you want to help your loved one, you should feel like you are walking on eggshells. Some responses you blurt out end up being wrong. Below are some phrases that you should avoid saying to someone who is struggling with depression, as well as what you can say to help them.
You don't seem depressed, you always seem happy.
Depression doesn't always look the same. Know the signs and symptoms of depression, but be aware that it is not the same for everyone.
You could inadvertently instill a sense of doubt when you say something like this. Maybe I'm not really struggling if I don't look depressed. Am I overreacting? Am I crazy? The stigma attached to mental illness may make someone hesitant to seek treatment.
It is all in your head.
Anderson says people don't choose to be depressed. It is not okay to blame a person or imply that their psychological suffering is a choice.
When you frame depression and happiness as choices, you oversimplify the issue. Someone going through depression won't feel like they can just get over it.
If you find yourself wanting to tell someone that their depression is their own, think about this guideline from Healthline.
If you don't say something to someone living with a physical condition, like diabetes or cancer, you probably shouldn't say it to a friend with depression.
Would you tell someone to get out of a broken leg? Probably not.
This will also pass.
This is a platitude like "let it go" or "time heals all wounds." In addition to being cliché and impersonal, "reciting platitudes and inundating the conversation with toxic positivity could make people with depression feel worse about themselves."
It is difficult to say the right thing, but it is easy to say things will get better. If this is all you say, the person you are talking to might be left wondering if you really took them seriously. We have some ideas for questions and words of comfort at the bottom of the article.
Everyone gets down.
One thing is de-stigmatizing mental health, but another thing is to make it normal. It is also pretty dismissive that a statement like the above is true. People are less likely to seek treatment if they are told that they are normal.
You can know that someone is depressed, but don't make them feel like they're overreacting to a very personal, painful experience right now.
You are acting selfish.
If you're in a relationship with a depressed person, you might feel like you're at the end of your rope. Clinical therapist Oddesty K Langham writes in Psych Central that a person dealing with clinical depression is likely having a hard time keeping up with their own personal life. They are not selfish and they are not well. They might not have the capacity to do everything that someone else wants them to do.
If you are personally frustrated, try to keep perspective. It won't help either of you if you accuse your loved one of being selfish.
Look at how great your life is.
It can't be that bad, it could be worse, and you think you have it bad.
A depressed person does not benefit from comparisons. Depression does not warrant a justification. Magavi says that a comparison could completely dismiss someone's daily life experience. These statements make people question if they should feel depressed, which is a faulty way of thinking about mental health.
Try to eat better and exercise.
Exercise can help to manage depression, but it is not a treatment plan. You risk implying that all someone needs to do is hit the gym to cure a mental illness if you say that with a comment like this. Not to mention condescending, this is scientifically inaccurate. Throw in the fact that someone might be struggling with their body image on top of their depression, and this sentiment could be a recipe for disaster.
Sometimes healthy lifestyle changes can have a positive impact on someone's mental health. Let the comments come from a professional. If you want your loved one to join you on a walk, cook a healthy meal and ask them to join you.
What should you say to someone who is depressed?
Don't let the phrases discourage you from saying anything. Making it clear that you are there for them is the key to supporting someone who is struggling with depression. Phrases that demonstrate care should be the focus. You can use these ideas.
Thank you for that.
If you want to talk, I am here.
You are not alone, I love you.
Have you talked to the doctor, therapist, family about these feelings?
You are doing the right thing by talking about it.
What can I do to help?
Open-ended questions and statements about what they are going through can be used when in doubt. Listening to your loved one is often the most helpful thing you can do. If they aren't able to reciprocate, you can check-in with them regularly.
The Treatment Referral Service is a confidential, free, 24 hour-a-day, year-round information service that is available in English and TTY.
If you need to talk to someone if you are going through a mental health crisis, there are several organizations that will give you free counseling. To reach The Crisis Text Line, text "START" to 741-741 and you will be connected.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, you can get help from a trained counselor by calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you or a loved one is in danger, call the emergency number.
All Rights Reserved © 2024
