The author and her husband are with their two children. Ryan Rae Harbuck provided the photo.
You will just know. You are a smart girl. You will be fine.
I remember those words from my doctor. She terrified me to the core because she felt she was empowering me to be confident about my labor and delivery.
I realized many people, including doctors, have no idea who I am after that conversation. My doctor had never worked with a paraplegic before and I was familiar with her role as a differently abled person. I don't blame her for not knowing, just as I don't blame myself for being afraid.
I was completely paralyzed from the chest down in my teens because of a spine injury. I tried to do everything that everyone else was doing after the accident. I wondered if I could actually do those things. I did them.
It included becoming a mom.
I immediately began searching for everything I could find when I became pregnant. There were zero results. I knew I wasn't the only paralyzed woman to have a baby, but having no luck proving it left me feeling isolated and less confident.
Being pregnant was supposed to be magical, but I felt like a sideshow. I wondered if someone thought I had a big cheeseburger for lunch since the alternative was so far off.
A pregnant author and her husband celebrate Christmas with their family in Denver, Colorado, in the winter of 2013). Ryan Rae Harbuck provided the photo.
I had a dozen magnifying glasses to look at the body image issues of pregnant women. My toes and legs looked like small sausages, amplified by the fact that I couldn't move my legs because of the swelling. My lower body was suffocating from the weight of my giant belly, which was pressing down on it while I was sitting. Transferring myself in and out of places was becoming a circus act. The last few weeks of getting out of bed and into my wheelchair were just as important as the beginning.
I arrived at every doctor's appointment with questions and scenarios as to how this pregnant woman might progress. No one could answer my greatest question.
Will I be able to feel labor pains?
I can tell you my answer, a hard NO followed by a soft yes, because I have been through two deliveries.
I had no idea that my water broke, I was dilated, and in active labor for my first pregnancy. I had just finished my morning job and showed up for my appointment. As my OB said that it would be another couple of weeks, I knew I was about to give birth.
I will never forget the look on her face when she said that she felt hair after the exam. She hit the big blue button on the wall and said, "You need to go!"
The Labor & Delivery Department of my planned hospital was where my son was born five hours later.
The author's newborn, Van, was readmitted to the hospital in Denver, Colorado, just weeks after he was born. Ryan Rae Harbuck provided the photo.
Everyone had hoped that I would be able to push, but no one could tell me. It was my desire to be able to do it that was felt in the entire hospital ward. I was afraid of it as well and it sat in my throat.
There were carts of various tools and trinkets ready to be used by the doctors if necessary.
The delivery room was quiet as my OB told me to "PUSH!" I commanded a body that wasn't accustomed to responding to such demands and I tried to manipulate every ounce of my body to do what was necessary. I had to think about my movements in the best way possible.
I desperately thought of things to try to make that push happen because I didn't know which muscles in my body were responding and which were not. I thought of jumping like a squat. I thought of a double-over coughing. I thought of pooping. The thinking alone made me jittery.
I was able to make progress in only a few pushes. I was so proud of myself, dripping in sweat and waiting for the next push, when my baby's heart rate began to drop. Without even time to freak out, my OB stepped in for one final push to make sure we all got the job done.
I held my baby boy just a few shallow, exhausted breaths. He was so small that I didn't think he was that small. His coos and wriggles made me forget all of the distress I had felt over the past nine months.
My next delivery was different.
The author and their baby are in the Colorado mountains. Ryan Rae Harbuck provided the photo.
I was focused on the fact that I didn't feel any baby labor with my first baby. I was certain I was in labor every day from the third trimester date onward. I thought my husband was going to destroy me.
I was convinced that I was going to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby between my legs. I went to bed with loose pants on. I would wake up distressed every night.
My unmentionable things were magnified by 8 billion percent. The baby pressing on the bladder can cause shame if it causes an accident, and most pregnant women attest to that. I coughed and moved my posture when I moved in or out of my chair. I bought a box of pH strips to check the fluid in hopes that I would be able to tell the differences between urine andamniotic fluid. The range was not really in the scope of my scientific knowledge. I continued to use it in hopes that it would become a neon sign that said, "You are in Los Angeles!"
When it was all said and done, I did feel a contraction, but I ignored them. I allowed myself to feel them and read them because I was so focused on feeling them.
I can't feel anything from the top of my chest down, but I can feel some pains underneath. When I felt a dull side ache, I just assumed it was because of the position in which the baby had been placed. I wanted to talk to my husband about it, but he didn't want to.
The author and her son are at home. Ryan Rae Harbuck provided the photo.
I took note of the time when I would feel that ache, but then I got distracted by other things. I went to work and picked up my child from school, but I could feel the ache in my teeth. I dismissed it again because I convinced my OB to schedule an inductment on the first day of my 39th week. I was going to wait until tomorrow to inquire about this.
I didn't need an insturment at all. After I begged and pleaded to my OB that I didn't want to risk missing the warning signs of labor again, she finally agreed, but not before my oldest son was born at 38 weeks.
I showed up at the hospital the next day. I told my husband to come later because it can take a while. I began to describe the achy feeling I was having after checking in and meeting with the nurse. She hooked up the contraction monitor and it showed that I was in active labor without my knowledge. The baby boy was born two hours later.
I now know that my body was trying to tell me something I didn't think it could.
I look at my two boys today and feel blessed that the luck that landed on my side for both of their births. The universe was looking out for me both times, as I know the swiftness and surprise alone could have meant things would have worked out differently for everyone. There isn't enough information about being pregnant or delivering if you're a paraplegic, so it could have been front-page news bad.
It shouldn't have to be this way.
The author is with her two sons. Ryan Rae Harbuck provided the photo.
Women make up 20% of the population of people with spine injuries in the US. Approximately 14 percent of women in the US become pregnant after a spine injury, and 8,000 of them are left to deal with scenarios like mine. All alone.
Approximately 8,000 babies are facing a long list of unknowns. There is not enough support for these babies and women. No one knows what to say in the first place, so we are left with only those things.
I have been through this before, but I have found my voice was like a fallen tree in the woods. If no one could hear a sound, did I really exist?
The whispers emphasize the fact that it is a lonely world for a pregnant paraplegic. The whispers come from a world that can't comprehend what this experience is like. I am here to break the silence for women like me.
I didn't sign up for the job, but I will take it on because lives are at stake. I don't have a solution, but I can speak up and make noise in hopes that others will do what they can.
I understand that I am so lucky, because I have the ability to sleep with my babies or even teach them how to walk by holding onto the back of my wheel chair. Things could have turned out differently for me and them. I want to make sure that paraplegic mom-to-be has the support and knowledge that she needs and deserves to have a healthy birth, so luck is no longer a factor.
Ryan Rae Harbuck, a Colorado native, has always found solace in the mountain air and has always been up for an outdoor challenge, as far as her wheelchair wheels could take her. She is a teacher and swim coach, but enjoys being a mom the most. Ryan has written a memoir, "when I grow up I want to be a chair", that explores lessons learned from her struggles. She and her husband live in Denver with their two young boys. To learn more, visit her website.
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