Mary Trump's new book, "Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man," has some people wondering how family can affect kids. What kind of adults are exposed to toxic parenting behaviors?
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Most people know that serious maltreatment, like abuse or neglect, can have a lasting impact on children. Toxic parenting strategies don't rise to an extreme level of abuse. Is it possible that destructive parenting behaviors are less obvious?
Some families that appear to function okay to the outside world are actually filled with family dynamics that are not good. Even though they aren't visible to anyone outside of the family, they don't mean they won't prevent kids from becoming healthy adults.
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Toxic parenting behaviors can make children less functional in adulthood.
1. Shielding children from pain.
You don't want to expose kids to pain just for the purpose of "toughening them up," but you also don't want to shield them from all the pain.
Kids who lack experience dealing with pain often become adults who crumble when they encounter adversity.
2. They were Invalidating their feelings.
Sending a message that their feelings are bad is what "stop worrying" or "stop crying" is all about. They are taught that they need to hide their feelings or fight them. They may be able to mask their feelings or numb their pain.
3. Praising their achievements is pointless.
When parents praise their kids for getting a perfect score on a math test, they teach them that their accomplishments are more important than everything else.
Kids who only hear praise for their achievements, rather than for putting in the hard work it took to get there, or a willingness to be brave and try something where they may fail, may grow up to be adults who think they need to succeed at all costs. They might be willing to cheat and steal so they can win.
4. They are living vicariously through their kids.
Parents have emotional wounds of their own. It can be tempting to live through your kids as a way to heal your wounds.
When a parent insists that a child try to reach their own dreams, their children are likely to grow up without a strong sense of self. They may be resentful towards their parents, but also dependent on them to make decisions.
How to teach your child self-control.
5. Expectations of perfect.
Setting the bar high can be good for kids. They can do more than they think.
They could feel like they can't ever measure up if they were expecting perfection. They may feel like they aren't good enough because they can't achieve what you told them.
6. Fear is being used to gain compliance.
Whether a parent shoots kids intimidating looks or threatens to hit them, scaring them into complying can backfire.
They will be more likely to make decisions based on fear. They could become an adult without a moral compass.
7. They are trying to win favor with their kids.
Some parents work hard to be the favorite after they're divorced.
Winning a child's favor can make a parent feel good, but in the end the kids lose. They may become adults who manipulate others to get what they want.
8. Guilt trips are being used as a tool.
You might guilt kids into doing what you want if you remind them how hard you work to pay for their stuff.
It also means they'll be easy targets for people who want to cheat off their paper or have sex with someone who wants to use similar guilt trips. They may turn into adults who use guilt as a weapon against their loved ones as well.
9. They are 'Parentifying' their kids.
If a parent lacks adult guidance or is unsure about their decision-making, their kids may need to step up.
Giving kids more responsibility than they can handle raises their anxiety and makes them feel like you aren't equipped to lead the family. They may grow up to become anxious adults who feel as though they need to constantly control everything around them to stay safe.
10. Being emotionally unavailable.
Kids need your presence more than presents.
Parents who are too busy and stressed out to support their kids emotionally aren't fostering their child's emotional development. Children who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents may struggle to develop meaningful relationships in adulthood.
Business Insider published this article in 2020.
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