Is it possible to let that go? Is there someone else who can help you? Is it possible to defer it for a week?
Mary shook her head and said no to each of these queries.
This was a pattern. Our sessions were very similar to a groundhog day. Mary would arrive and tell me how exhausted she was and how many things were still to be done.
We tried a lot of productivity hacks. Nothing changed.
Mary's struggle was very similar. I have worked with many high-achieving people who have sought help for exhaustion, health difficulties or burnout, and she reminded me. Their hallmark is seemingly endless resources of resilience.
The phenomenon of grit is research done by American psychologist Angela Duckworth.
Despite failure, adversity and plateaus, perseverance is required to maintain effort and interest over years.
Her studies show that intelligence and natural ability are not predictors of success in areas like education and business. People who stay longer in a job are associated with greater grit. Research shows that people with higher levels of resilience are more satisfied with their lives. Mary didn't believe this finding. Is there a downside to too much grit?
A study found that people with high levels of resilience tend to persist with difficult tasks. Some of the puzzles were unsolvable, so participants had to solve as many as they could. The less smilng people solved fewer puzzles and spent more time trying to solve them. The conclusion of the researchers? Knowing when to quit is valuable.
Don't check in with yourself if you have too much grit. Is this useful for me? When is it not?
It is one thing to discuss this knowledge at an intellectual level. It's hard to translate a felt sense of change into a reality.
Mary and I had a discussion about strengths and vulnerabilities. We use our strengths to protect ourselves. Maybe I over-work to keep feelings of vulnerability at bay, or book myself up with social engagements to avoid noticing I'm feeling alone. It is smart, but it has a downside. Overusing strengths can mean we can rely on them too much, or use them too often, or not notice that they are not so helpful anymore.
Mary's strength was definitely her perseverance. To make sure we didn't cause too much emotional distress, we had a discussion about what the grit might be protecting her from. Mary's protections reminded me of other high achievers who were protected from asking for help, from feeling vulnerable or not in control, and from feeling that she had somehow failed if she didn't nail every challenge.
Mary was helped to understand that she is living and working in an environment that reinforces her skills. The western culture celebrates persistence and hard work. We like stories of people overcoming adversity.
We are quick to criticize anyone who seems to give up. Michael Jordan said if you quit it becomes a habit. Never quit. Taking the easy road out is seen as the soft option.
Mary had to move away from too much grit in order to have a shared experience. A young woman who was a successful athlete gave a presentation to her team and coaches to spark better conversations about perseverance and recovery. When we speak freely about our struggles with family, colleagues and friends, we are better able to identify when someone else might need a gentle nudging towards pausing instead of pushing. We don't need to walk alone.
We know from psychological research that we are more likely to succeed and lift our wellbeing with new behaviours if we set ourselves an approach goal rather than an avoidance goal. Supporting Mary to practise some active letting go, asking for help, learning to ease up on how much she could get done in a day, and to find new hobbies that are more about experiences and being rather than achievements all helped to create some small shifts. My athlete took a break from competition to study and have more time with friends. Her form and performance were better when she came back.
If you have a lot of perseverance, I hope this will allow you to check in with yourself. Is this useful for me? When is it not? What else could I do? What strategies might I learn that will enhance my wellbeing?
Are you interested in how you are? Take the survey from the author.
Parkin is the CEO of Umbrella Wellbeing.
