It is the time of year for preparing for reinventions. The diet book, drawing up the new morning routine, purchasing the storage cabinets for the house are all things that can be purchased. This is the fun part of personal transformation, as with all attempts. You get to experience all of the excitement of becoming a different person without having to put in the effort. The vision of who you will become remains pristine, like untrodden early morning snow. In a few days, the whole thing will have turned into grey slush.
It is obvious that personal reinventions fail partly because you set your goals too high, or because your existing obligations at work or home get in the way. There is a deeper problem with quests for wholesale transformation, which explains why they rarely work as intended, and why embracing the existing version of yourself, with all its messiness and imperfections, might be the most significant thing you have ever done.
The Old You have some pretty glaring issues and are the ones who come up with the schemes for constructing a New You.
The problem is that the Old You always come up with schemes for constructing a New You, whether in every area of life, or just one major one, such as your relationship with your children, or your physical fitness. Why would you want to see a new one? You don't have a good reason to trust this character's thoughts about reinvention; it's likely they're using what looks like "reinvention" to reinforce old hang-ups instead.
It is possible that your vow to become more productive this year is a result of your old belief that you have to fulfill every demand made by those around you. Your intention to make this the year you find your soulmate might be a sign of your conviction that you don't have what it takes to cope on your own. If it works, it will only make things worse.
James Hollis, a Jungian psychoanalyst, writes that no one wakes in the morning and says, "I think I will repeat my mistakes today" or "I expect today I will do something stupid, repetitive, regressive and against my best interests." This is what we do frequently.
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You probably will end up feeling worse about the life you have if you fail to pull off a total transformation of your personality. "Focusing your mind on an imagined future where you're someone different makes your now-self inevitably less-than," says Jocelyn K Glei, host of the Hurry Slowly podcast, who recommends using the new year to take stock of the preceding year's transformations instead.
The alternative to reinvention is a wholehearted commitment to accepting who you already are, and it's not a good idea to settle for a mediocre life. Carl Rogers said that when he accepts himself just as he is, he can change. When you no longer think you have to transform yourself in order to justify your existence on the planet, you are finally able to do so. The stakes are lower now that your self-worth is no longer at stake.
I get to focus on the real world, which is where real changes can happen, which is a relief.
Madeleine Dore, author of I Didn't Do the Thing Today:Letting Go of Productivity Guilt, says there is a quiet power in forgiveness. When we accept ourselves, we are more likely to get the best from ourselves, because we are better placed to look at what we need to thrive, rather than change.
Bruce Tift suggests a thought experiment: imagine if you had a trait in yourself that you wish you didn't have, the behavior in which you wish you didn't engage in, and then imagine what it would be like if you didn't have it. What if you are always late? What if you keep lashing out at others when upset at yourself?
I feel deflated when I run this experiment on myself. I will never get to the part of life that is problem-free. There is a sense that a burden is being lifted. I get to focus on the real world, which is where real changes can happen, which is a relief. Mark Manson wrote a book about how to accept that you are not a confident person and that you will always feel a little off around other people. You will feel less judged by them when you don't judge yourself.
There is a kind of defeat that needs to be accepted: a willingness to concede that you have already failed, because you have been holding yourself back. There is no going back. You will never get rid of the bad things you have done. It means you can stop trying to escape the mess of existence and get stuck in to a few worthwhile and pleasurable activities instead.
The Zen teacher told his students that each of them was perfect, and that they could all use improvement. It is a contradiction. You will have to deal with that as well.
