Dating non-queer men as a queer woman can feel like stepping onto a dance floor.
There isn't a social script for how women date women, and there isn't any guidance for how multi- gender attracted women can date men in a way that honours our queerness.
Bi+ women dating men are less queer than those who aren't/don't, but it can be more difficult to navigate patriarchal gender roles and Heteronormative relationship ideals within different- gender relationships. Debora says that gender roles are not good for relationships with cis Hetero men. I feel limited as a person.
Bi+ women have chosen to exclude non-queer men from their dating pool, and have turned to bi4bi to date other bi people. It can be difficult to find a partner for Emily Metcalfe, who identifies as bi and demisexual. She chooses to date within the community. She says she finds people she's interested in from within the community have a better understanding of consent language.
Bi feminism may offer a starting point for navigating relationships as a bi+ woman according to author and educator, Robyn Ochs. Biphobia can be understood through a feminist lens. Bi feminism proposes that men be held to the same standards as women in order to find liberation in loving other women.
The idea that women should focus on their own independence and not the gender of their partner is put forward. I made a personal commitment to hold men and women to the same standards. So be it.
Bi feminism holds ourselves to the same standards in relationships regardless of our partner's gender. Bi feminism encourages examining whether the aspects of ourselves that are important to a relationship are being influenced by someone else.
If your partner is less enthusiastic, it can be difficult to do this. It requires you to have a strong sense of self outside of a relationship, and it can involve a lot of false starts.
Hannah, a bisexual woman who has mostly had relationships with men, has experienced this difficulty in dating. She says that she has been in contact with some men who hated that on the dating app, but she got good at detecting their attitudes and throwing them away. I'm currently in a four-year monogamous relationship with a cishet man and he doesn't expect me to fulfill some traditional gender role.
I'm less likely to have to deal with stereotypes and people I'm interested in have a better understanding of consent language.
Despite this, queer women who date men are often accused of going back to men, regardless of their dating history. We are raised in a society that tells us that heterosexuality is the only viable option, and that cis men's pleasure is the main factor in all sexual and romantic relationships. It is seen as normal to date men after having dated other genders. Bisexuality is still seen as a phase which we will grow out of when we eventually pick a side.
Many of us internalise this and may over-empathise our attraction to men. It'sCompulsory heterosexuality that plays a role in our dating life, we may settle for men in order to please our families, fit in, or just to silence that nagging internal feeling that there's something wrong with us for being attracted to women. Bi feminism is part of a liberatory framework which seeks to show that same-gender relationships are just as healthy, loving, long-term and beneficial as different-gender ones.
Bi feminism advocates for holding allocishet men to the same standards as women and people of other genders, but it's important that the framework supports intersectionality, inclusivity, and equitability. Men and non-binary people have better relationships than women. Bi feminism means holding ourselves and our female partners to the same standard as male partners. This is important because of the high rates of intimate partner violence and abuse within same-gender relationships. Bi feminism holds all relationships and behavior to the same standards.
The idea that bi women are too much of a flight risk for other women to date is still a stereotype within the women-loving-women community. Many lesbians and gay men still believe that bi people are more attracted to men. A study published in the journal Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity suggests that the androcentric desire hypothesis may be the cause of biphobia.
Bi+ women are seen as returning to the societal benefits that men offer and thus are shackled by patriarchy, but this theory doesn't hold up in reality. Bi women face higher rates of intimate partner violence than both gay and straight women, with these rates increasing for women who are out to their partner. Bi women experience more mental health issues than gay and straight women due to double discrimination and isolation from both Hetero and homosexual communities.
It's not true that men are the starting point for queer women. Women who have never dated men have always been able to come out at a younger age because of the progress we've made in regards to queer liberation. The term 'Gold Star Lesbian' has been around for decades. How can you return to a place you've never been?
Bi women's dating preferences are influenced by these stereotypes. Sam Locke, a bi woman, says that she has internalised biphobia around not feeling "queer enough" or fear of fetishisation from cishet men has put her off dating them. Bi women are often used as sex objects by cishet men, and it's always a concern that at some point, a cishet man might try to leverage my bisexuality for their personal desires or fantasies.
Bi people need to contend with some issues, but the identity itself still allows them to experience different types of love. I endorsed the assessment that bisexuality is freedom in my book, Bi the Way. We are still fighting for freedom from patriarchy, homophobia, and monosexism, even though bisexuality may give us the freedom to love people of any gender.
Bi+ feminism is one of the ways we can navigate dating in a way that honours our queerness.
