I told Liam to think before he spoke. I regretted saying it because it was a generic phrase that parents give their kids when they say rude things, and I didn't like hearing it when I was young. I'm glad I said it because Liam stopped and asked me an interesting question, "What should I be thinking about before I speak?"
I told him to always ask himself if what he's about to say is true, kind, or useful, because at the time, his question caught me off guard. I wondered if there was more to the answer. Many of us run our mouths aimlessly as adults, which can lead to stress and anxiety for ourselves and everyone around us. Before we speak, what should we be thinking about?
Over the last week, I've been trying to collect questions from smart people before they speak to answer Liam's question. We can all use five of these.
Does this need to be said by me right now?
Some arguments are necessary in the moment, but a lot aren't and our communication skills are getting worse. James Clear suggests pausing and asking yourself if you want to say anything at this time. Our best response will not be our instinctive one. Embracing the phrase "Can we talk about this when I'm thinking more clearly?" saves a lot of time and energy.
Is what I say actionable for the person on the other end?
Marina Glazman is often sought after for her advice and feedback as a startup founder and mentor. She told me that she always asks herself if the words she's about to share are actionable.
Taking the time to help identify the next right step the person in front of you can take is how trust is built. If you don't have an answer, you can tell someone you need some space so you can give them a more thoughtful reply.
I don't know what pressures they are under.
I asked Young how she approaches difficult conversations with her co-workers in a way that is sympathetic. She asked me a number of questions that all related to the idea of taking a step back and thinking about the pressures other people are under.
There are things going on in our personal and professional lives that are not always obvious to others. Young said that when it comes to communication, we must always assume there's more to understand than what's being said. Maybe the missed deadline isn't due to incompetence, but maybe they're five times busier than they used to be because of the Pandemic. If there is something deeper going on that you don't know about, ask yourself what you are missing.
Is it adding to the stress or calming the person down?
Elizabeth Gilbert was desperate to get a flight back to the U.S. from Australia when the epidemic began. She realized this wasn't the way she wanted to speak. She wrote the following calm words after she deleted the messages, "Hey, I got a flight and I'm coming home early."
If you're using "drama language" or not, it's time to think about how you feel about something. Gilbert showed that we all have the choice to be either a calming influence or to add panic to a situation.
If I keep listening, what else could I learn?
My friend and writer, Niklas Gke, asked this question. You don't have to answer the first question in life. Think about what you could learn if you paused and listened. Giving people space to express themselves is always a good way to make our relationships tight.
We are bombarded with chatter. We talk because we fear silence. Liam reminded me that learning how to think before we speak is one of the most important qualities.
Michael Thompson is a communication strategist, writer, and lecturer. He is writing a book about how quiet, contemplative people can get their work and words to stand out. If you would like to review his catalog, you can visit here.
