I just turned 31. My birthday marked two full years of trying to get pregnant; the first year we didn't think to seek medical help and this year has been packed with doctors appointments, blood tests, and disappointments.
In the end, I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. There's no good reason why I can't get pregnant. The bright spot in all this is that our insurance covers almost all the costs.
The last time we met with our IVF specialist was earlier this year when we first discussed "the plan." First, we'd try IUI - the turkey baster method - which involves inserting my husband's sperm into my uterus via a catheter. My husband's insurance approved three rounds, and all of them failed.
Today, we're meeting with our doctor to assess our next steps. She says we could try another round of IUI, but after the failed attempts, she advises against it. We decide to start prepping for IVF. I'm currently on my period, and we still need my husband's insurance to approve it, so we'll lose another month before we can get started.
I'm prescribed birth control for when my next cycle starts. My doctor tells me it'll help me start with "a clean slate," so to speak. The last time I took the pill was over a year ago, so I keep forgetting to take it, causing a month of spotting.
We're told that we'll receive a call the next day to find out what day the transfer will take place, and how many eggs were successfully fertilized.
I stay home from work the next day, too. Although the pain is manageable, I'm still downing Tylenol, Gatorade, and ginger ale, and I'm saddled with heat packs.
The doctor tells us that we'll be doing a day five transfer with one of our embryos. The doctor decides how many days after the egg retrieval the transfer will take place, depending on how the embryos are growing and how the patient's body responded to the IVF medications.I start the dreaded progesterone injections that night, whichhelp thicken the uterine lining so that the embryo has a better chance of attaching. The needle is big, the liquid is thick, and I can feel it starting to bruise.
All told, it's very uncomfortable. I'm wincing the whole time. My hands are clenched because the doctor can't find a straight path to my uterus with the catheter. Frankly, there's a lot of moving around down there. Plus, I guzzled so much water and the tech is pressing against me. My husband looks like he's feeling helpless and keeps asking if I'm okay. We both try to pay attention to the ultrasound screen, but have no idea what we're looking at. After the doctor successfully gets the catheter in place, an embryologist brings in the embryo and the doctor inserts it. Whew.
We've been focusing all our energy on this one embryo that we just implanted, but now it's time to think about the rest of the eggs from the retrieval. Before we started the IVF cycle we had to make some decisions about the embryos we wouldn't implant right away. My husband and I opted out of genetically testing them for any abnormalities.We then decided to freeze any viable ones.Of the 14 eggs retrieved, a total of two, including the one we just transferred, were successfully fertilized and turned into viable embryos that we could use.
Now, we only have one frozen embryo left. And if the transfer I just did fails, we'll only have one more chance to do another transfer without having to go through the entire egg retrieval process again. I'm pretty devastated by this. I've gone through so much with all the injections and hormones being pumped into me.I feel gutted. How could I have gone through that painful process to only come out with two embryos?
Time for the dreaded two week waitbetween the transfer and a pregnancy test. It takes at least that long for any of the injected hCG to fully leave your system. If you take a pregnancy test right after the transfer, there's a high chance it'll be a false positive because of the hormones. There's also a chance of a false negative with a home testing kit, because the kit may not pick up trace amounts of the pregnancy hormone in urine. So we wait. Every morning I see that small ultrasound picture of the embryo. I hope and pray that it implanted.
It's the big day. We'll find out whether all the medications, injections, pain and waiting worked. I go in for a blood test at 8 a.m. and head to work. Around noon I see the email with the results, but am too nervous to look. I end up leaving work early so I can have my husband check.
My heart drops and the tears start rolling immediately. I was so sure it would work.
All I can think is: What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently for a better outcome? Will I even have another chance? What's wrong with me? Why can't I make this work? It truly felt like I lost something. The failed IUIs didn't hurt the same way that the failed IVF did.
The doctor's office eventually calls, and tells me what I already know. Not pregnant. Honestly, I'm crying too hard to hear anything else she says.
I've read blog posts and articles about how IVF went for other people. They all talk about the doctor visits, injections, and ultrasounds. I haven't read about what happens when it fails. When do I get my period? Is it going to be the same or heavier? How long should I expect it to last? When will the bloating go down? More importantly, when do I get to try again? Will it even work?
This is the hardest part of my story to share. The rest is clinical, but this is emotional.
The one that was transferred was good but not of the highest quality. The remaining one is a little below that. She tries to console me. She says this failed cycle helps you know for next time - if there is a next time - what to do better and differently.
Honestly, that isn't what I want to hear. I want to know what exactly went wrong and what I can do to make the next one successful. I don't want to think what will happen if this next transfer fails. We'll start that next month. At least there's no egg retrieval this time. But if the transfer fails, we'll have to go through the entire process all over again.
On the third day of my cycle, I'll go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood test. I'll repeat this on day 10. Then if all is well I'll take an injection to stimulate ovulation and have the transfer scheduled for the following week.
I've read that acupuncture can help with fertility, so I've decided to try it. I've gone in for two appointments so far. My acupuncturist seems quite understanding, but I haven't noticed a difference yet. I've heard it takes three months of acupuncture and proper eating to actually see a change. My next transfer will take place just about a month into the acupuncture, but I'm hoping that'll be good enough.
Cost: I have a $15 copay for the IVF followup. For first-timers it's $60 for acupuncture plus a $15 copay. There's also a $15 copay for the followup acupunctureappointment.
Reflection: I have a lot of questions about this process: Am I doing the right thing? Should I continue down this path? Should I just drop the meds and doctors and hospital visits and let nature run its course? Am I being selfish to try so aggressively at the age of 30?
Should I publicize what I'm going through? That's another big one. Up until now, only my parents and my husband's parents have been aware of our struggles. I haven't told any of my friends or siblings. Would sharing help me? Or will this feeling of failure only get worse? I struggle with these questions almost daily. The only conclusion that I've come to is this: If this next transfer fails, I'll take a break and reassess.
We're also fortunate that we could have asked our parents to lend us money for the cycle, but would have been hesitant to ask again if the cycle failed.
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