Joe Root won the toss.
Oscar Wilde wrote in his days as a cricket hack that to be hammered in a one-off Test may be considered unfortunate. It looks like an unbreakable cricketing habit to be hammered in seven out of nine first Tests in the city, and to be saved by rain in one of the other two.
The opening 10th of the 1990-91 series made even more impressive because England had taken a 42-run first-innings lead, but the epic escape in 2010-11 has interrupted the clobberings.
The window of optimism for this year's assault on the urn was shut after about half a second, which is about the time it took for the ball to travel from Mitchell Starc's hand to the leg stump of Rory Burns.
In a desperate attempt to stop all English cricket-lovers replaying that ball in their heads on an endless loop of gloom, here are five statistics to ponder quietly, discuss on dates, or use as Advent Calendar surprises for your children.
England's second-highest scoring batsman, Joe Root, has scored over 1,000 more runs this year.
The second highest Test run-scorer isRory Burns.
Recent times have produced many unexpected and unprecedented events around the world that few would have predicted a few years ago.
It has never happened before, and only once in the history of the world, that a Test cricketer scoring more than a thousand runs more than his next-most-productive team-mate.
Pakistan's Mohammad Yousuf's calendar-year record of 1,788 is within reach with two Tests remaining, and the tally for the year stands at 1,544.
The record for Biggest Margin of Run Superiority By A Player Over His Next Highest-Scoring Team-mate In A Calendar Year Of Test Cricket is currently held by England.
The only other instance of a player exceeding the second most productive member of the team by more than 700 runs was in 1976, when West Indian legend Viv Richards ran 888-492-0 888-492-0s by Roy Fredericks.
It has been shown that he has scored more runs than Burns in England's batting.
Only one of the 24 players who have played Tests for England in the last two years averages more than 30.
England's batting average this year is 23.6, with seven centuries in 13 Tests.
England scored 16 hundreds in eight Tests and averaged 55.9 in their most recent red-ball victory, which came against Australia at the SCG in 2011.
England's 23.6 is its fourth worst since the First World War, and it's also the worst since 1972, when England retained the Ashes despite not scoring a century and averaging 23.2).
These startlingly grim numbers have been prettified by the team's batting coach, who has been looking at some of the fault lines in the team's batting.
If you take out his runs, England's other batters have averaged 18.9 which is their fourth worst year-average ever, their worst since 1906, and their worst ever in a year with more than five Tests.
Steve Smith was dismissed for less than 40 in the first Test for the first time and less than 75 for the second time, in 11 matches dating back to August 2015.
Steve Smith failed against England in the first Test.
Smith averaged more than 112 against England in the two previous years, and even Don Bradman did not average more than 112.
After a poor showing against India a year ago, England allowed Nathan Lyon to establish himself in the series, but they have succeeded in neutralising Smith.
He might have had to come to the crease in a crisis.
Smith played in the series seven times. He came in with Australia two down for less than 30 in six of the seven outings, and at 60-2 in the other.
He came in at 166-2 and was out for 12 in Australia's highest total against England since the third Test of 2013-14.
This tactic is loaded with drawbacks, but it shows the benefits of attention to statistical detail in Test match planning, and makes sense of David Warner's three reprieves.
The team that won the toss has lost the last five Tests at the Gabba, and won just seven of the last 26.
Do you want to win the game and bat at the Gabba? No, Joe... no!
Since 1996, 39 grounds have hosted 12 or more Tests, and none has produced a worse win:loss ratio for the toss-winning team than Brisbane.
Pat Cummins' first act as Australia captain was to enjoy the sweet relief of his opponent calling correctly.
Prior to which, most captains chose to bowl first, the only exception being the 13th consecutive captain who chose to bat on winning the toss.
It was a huge gamble, which backfired within one ball as Starc & Physics comprehensively defeated Burns & Rustiness.
Had Australia's vulnerable openers Warner and Harris been challenged with negotiating those conditions, the Crucial First Hour could have been a success.
With a green-tinged surface, two of the top four bowlers in the world rankings, and a batting line-up which has been historically unsuccessful, England chose to expose their weaker discipline in the opening exchange.
There have been 20 second Tests between Australia and England in Australia since the Second World War. There are three drawn.
The winning team won the series 16 times after 17 second Tests.
Ignore everything that has happened. Ignore the doom-laden predictions of inevitable failure after a first-Test defeat. The second Test is the most important in Australia.
The only exception to the post-war rule is when England won the second Test, lost the third, and drew the first, fourth and fifth.
England won two of the three series, with the other two draws. Not losing the second Ashes Test in Australia is a strategic plan.
When Australia wins the first Test of a home series, they tend to win the second as well, which is a concern for England.
Since 1920, their 15 home-first-Test wins against England have been followed by a second win, the exception being the team led by Frank Tyson in 1954.
It is difficult to not lose the second and third Ashes Tests in Australia when you have lost the first.
Statistics do not take the field, and something that does not usually happen in almost every Test match for England.
England will have a pink ball under lights, they will have Anderson and Broad returning with more than 1,100 wickets-worth of experience, and they have the confidence of having successfully followed the Indian model from a year ago of subs.
Let optimism take over the cloud of history-endorsed probability. At least until Thursday.
