For more than two decades, she has known her ex-boyfriend was watching her. He keeps an eye on her from the birth of her children to her most recent wedding anniversary, even though she cut contact 20 years ago. After years of abuse that resulted in a post-traumatic stress disorder diagnosis and intense nightmares, the notes are chilling and make her uncomfortable putting any personal information in an online space where he could see it.
It has affected my relationship with my friends. It has affected my relationship with my partner. I feel unsafe because of it.
Many survivors receive the advice to leave their online life behind and just get help, which is to completely uninstall themselves from the internet. There are many ways to remove your online presence. It can seem like the obvious choice to erase yourself when you see how often abusers use digital channels to harass their targets. Some kind of online presence can be a crucial lifeline for people trying to escape their abusers and rebuild a new life.
It is easy to think that you need to disappear.
Tony Hunt is the chief development officer of Operation Safe Escape, a nonprofit organization that helps victims of domestic violence escape their abusers. Hunt said that the goal was to give them absolute control over everything. It is easy to think that you need to disappear.
Thousands of people quietly struggle with domestic violence. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in four women and one in nine men will experience intimate partner physical violence at some point in their lives. One in seven women and one in 18 men have been followed by an intimate partner, and at one point they felt very fearful or killed. A survey of college students found that 75 percent had experienced some kind of tech-assisted intimate partner victimization in the past year.
It didn't feel like a solution for her. She said that it felt like she was removing her online liberty because of someone else. Social media is great for keeping in touch with people we rarely see, because my husband and I have worked in various countries. We wouldn't want to lose that ability.
It felt like I was being taken advantage of by someone else.
Julia's ex- partner surveilled her even after they broke up, which made online spaces particularly dangerous. She was inspired to learn more about internet security, and to be more careful with where she logs on, because of the threat. Establishing safe communications with trusted people was important to her.
Julia said that an abusive relationship is already devastating. It doesn't have to be all or nothing to develop intentional boundaries on the internet. It was better for me to learn more about internet security, privacy, and different tools stalkers can use than to retreat, because that knowledge gave me a more realistic sense of what is possible.
Some survivors worry that disappearing entirely will escalate the situation, according to University of Kentucky professor TK Logan. She said she got off social media because he was threatening her. All the survivor can think about is, 'Oh, my God, what is he doing?' Is he going to show up?
In 30 to 60 seconds, the abuser can do a lot if he has the right tools and physical access to the device.
Hunt believes that survivors should use security measures that are intentional about their online presence, rather than a disappearing act. He said the priority was to make sure nobody was advertising their personal lives. The abuser will have something that will give them access to the kids or their location throughout the day. You will be glad you did it because you will be able to live your life again.
Hunt says technology-facilitated abuse comes up often when survivors are trained on more general security protocols. The Coalition Against Stalkerware is working with the organization to identify developers that claim their software is for law enforcement, but actually sell it to people who want to control their victims.
A new world opens up when a boyfriend pays a contractor to install a keylogger on his girlfriend's computer. In 30 to 60 seconds, the abuser can do a lot if he has the right tools and physical access to the device.
Hunt recommends survivors get in touch with the operation safe escape so they can be given the options they need to leave safely and regain their life and independence. Hunt said that they are very careful about who they work with and how much information they put out. Guess who tries to use that information against survivors once it's out there? The Stalking and Harassment Assessment & Risk Profile ( SHARP) tool is recommended by Logan.
The most reliable way to detect stalkerware is to run an app and do a Scan. Apple gives a step-by-step guide for detecting apps. If a potential victim chooses to get help from law enforcement or a survivor assistance charity, they should keep a log of what they are experiencing, to help detect patterns and show the history of what has been happening.
Even though there is a threat of malicious software, the most effective protections still rely on a strong support network, which is much easier to build when you are connected. The goal is to put up as many barriers as possible and then get support for the stalker.
Some names have been changed to protect sources.
