Can I ask you a personal question?
If you are a trans person, you are familiar with the feelings that prompt the question. You try not to roll your eyes, smile and nod along as you reply "of course", hoping this time it will be different. You are looking for an exit and you are trying to get an excuse to leave. You know what they are going to ask.
One of the questions trans allies and strangers ask me is if not wanting to have sex with trans people is transphobic. These are people who believe in trans rights but feel they need to draw a line between their sexual desire and inclusion. It's easier to get rid of your biases when they don't relate to your personal life. Being called bigoted for not wanting to have sex with someone from a different community feels too far for them.
The wording is curious to me. It is rarely direct. Most of the time it is not a question. "I could never have sex with a trans woman" is a statement that can be made. Sometimes it is a compliment, but I don't know if I'd be able to. Sometimes it's just nodding and saying "it's not for everyone", as if they were saying shower sex or favouring a particular sex position. Some people ask these questions because they have trans people in their lives, or because they feel they have done enough to unpack transphobia.
How did we get here? Why did you not want to have sex with human beings from one community? The othering of trans people in sexual contexts is not limited to dating or intimacy. Dating and sex is an example of how it bleeds into most interactions and environments. People don't know what sex with a trans person would look like, which is one of the reasons why they don't want to have sex with them. They don't know what trans bodies look like without their clothes.
Trans people are reduced to sexual objects, not subjects or participants with sexual agency, in a way that is not flattering. The term "Transgender" is often used to describe people who are not trans, but it shows that most people see them as a porn category. Trans people are not the target audience for that content. Trans bodies are presented as a forbidden desire, a deviation, and a fetish. It is a misrepresentation of what sex looks like in real life. The genre of porn doesn't show how people have sex. It shows how cisgender people think that trans women do the same things as cisgender men in these scenes.
Trans people experience their bodies in many different ways, and hormones like HRT and dysphoria can have a huge impact on how trans people experience their bodies. It can affect how they have orgasms. People who take testosterone can experience a condition called vaginismus, which causes the vagina to tighten when you try to insert something into it. Many transfeminine people have trouble with their erection and ejaculate. Many trans people don't like having their genitals touched. Some people have never had penis in vagina sex. Sex with a gay man is not different from having sex with me. When people say they would never have sex with a trans person, they are making assumptions about what sex would look like, such as thinking it would involve penetration or fellatio.
You can't know someone's sex based on their gender. You can't know what someone's genitals are unless you know what they are. That leads us to something else. One of the most frightening and harmful stereotypes about trans people is the belief that they are sexual predators, trying to force people into having sex with them by not revealing what their genitals are. Laws that allow violent reactions to disclosure still exist. In the US, 46 states still allow the trans panic defense, which is when someone is charged with murder of a trans person, and they can claim the violence was prompted by being told that the woman has a penis.
Most of the deaths this year are transfeminine people and sex workers. We hear a lot of statistics that are hard to believe, even before we come out or realise we are trans. It is hard to thrive when you are afraid of being the next one. We rarely take risks. Before entering a bedroom and meeting up for the first time after matching on a dating app, the disclosure must be done safe. We would rather die than be killed. It is easier to assume someone is not safe for us than it is for them. It is a matter of life and death for us, what might be a simple question of sexual preference to some.
When we mention that we are trans, the conversation shifts to sex. Being trans is related to being hypersexualised and that means our genitals aren't just discussed in the context of sleeping with someone. I have discussed my genitals with random strangers more than I have with romantic love interests. The "what's in your pants" question always arrives early on due to fear. On dates, cisgender people wouldn't ask that question. Sex might not be mentioned on a first date. It seems reasonable to ask trans people if they're interested in a date, be it online, at a bar, waiting in line for a concert, as friends, as strangers, before a date is even suggested. My answer will change how you see me. It is going to make a difference between being a real man or woman, or a work in progress, or just a phase. It will make a difference between being viewed as a human being or a porn category, between being someone you would introduce to your parents and a dirty little secret.
Talking about sex is good. It is useful to talk about boundaries and quirks. What happens when there is incompatibility? The only characteristic shared by all trans people is transness. Being trans doesn't determine what your body looks like, it's an exclusion that reinforces systemic discrimination You might have a hair colour that is different from the rest of the world, or you might have an action that is different from the rest of the world. Reducing trans people to either of those categories is an oversimplification.
Is it a lack of experience that is preventing you from interacting with certain people? Not knowing what works? Is transphobia internal? What about trauma? Understanding our desires better is the first step in unpacking.
It is easy to think that the answer a trans person will give will be a dealbreaker when it comes to sexual relations, but maybe the issue is asking the wrong question. Don't ask me what I look like. Don't ask me how to tell if your crush is trans. Don't ask me if you're transphobic. What is my ideal first date? Ask if I want a drink. Tell me about yourself. Tell me about that ex and how long you've been together. Tell me what you want to try. I would like to know what pet names I like. Ask me what makes me want to do something. Ask what's off the table. Ask if the light should be turned off. Ask if you can play with my hair. Tell me you want to kiss me. Get to know me. If you ask every question but that one, you'll discover that I'm a human being that's worthy of being desired, that I'm a sexual participant with needs, wants, and agency.
