I would have said no if you had asked me. My only skill is my brain speed. As a standup comedian, I can walk out on stage with nothing in my head and do a show for an hour if I need to, but I can also use ordinary powers, such as the ability to do my laundry every week.
The doctor diagnosed me with attention deficit disorder after I was in the green room with other comedians. A lot of us comics have it. It is a job that you can do if you are not typical, because you see the world from an unusual angle and there is very little admin. I see comics on Facebook who say, "I just got Peckham in my diary for tonight; am I meant to be doing a gig for anyone there?"
I think it's too late for me to train myself to be great in office environments, so I need to hold on to that talk-fast-and-mind-map skill. At music festivals, I always said no to anything that might change my brain chemistry. I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see the face of God in a cloud or the face of a baby cat on the ocean floor.
I was surprised to find myself consuming a cup of magic truffles at a legal therapeutic retreat in Amsterdam. These are not like magic mushrooms, but grow beneath the ground. It felt inevitable at the same time. It had made me face my demons and seek therapy, but it had also made me hungry for sensation and risk.
[.
Will the magic of drugs change psychiatrists?
Will the magic ofpsychadelics-transform-psychiatry?
A friend phoned me and said that she had gone to the desert and done ayahuasca. She said it had healed many of her wounds and not slowed her down. I had to wait until I got the call to do it. I said, "You are literally calling me now, this is the call." She thought it had to be more spiritual than a phone call. I began to look for signs. If you search for "retreats in Amsterdam", they are there. You can get the train there.
I didn't think ayahuasca was on the cards for me. If you haven't done any drugs before, it's probably better to do truffles, said the shaman at the retreat that I settled for. He told me to eat all of the truffles and then to lie down in the next room. I thought I would be in a field staring at trees, but it is a therapeutic dose under supervision. You can't talk or walk.
I was alone in a room with no one else around. The wardrobe in the corner was moving. I thought I would close my eyes for a while, but that didn't work out. I watched the entire 60s in an hour. I understood the cover of every album. I was in the womb and then in the afterlife.
It felt like I had gone back to the ground and become part of the energy of the world. Without the constant demands of email, I am still alive. The first act of feminism in the rebellion of the Garden ofEDEN was witnessed by me. I said that this is how religions are started when he checked on me. He said yes.
I came out after four hours. My brain was as fast as ever, but it was at peace. My therapist in New York assures me that there is a lot of research going on about the benefits of natural substances for trauma sufferers.
Tonight, I have a gig. Does anyone know where it is?
The Guilty Feminist is hosted by Deborah Frances-White. Arwa is away.
