Insider was told by a wedding therapist that couples should not wait to get engaged before they discuss money and kids. laflor/Getty Images
For couples to discuss their long-term lives together, they often wait until they are already engaged.
Landis Bejar, a wedding therapist, said that it is better to address certain topics before you propose.
Talking about how you want your children to be raised or manage finances can help you prepare for marriage.
Before you decide to share your life with your partner, it is important that you discuss your children.
Talk about your children. AJ Watt/Getty Images
Landis Bejar is a wedding therapist who founded AisleTalk. He said that it's important to talk with your partner about having children, not just whether you want them.
"How many?" "What are your opinions on parenting?" Bejar recommends asking. Bejar suggests asking: How were you parented? How were your interactions with your parents growing-up? If you were to become a parent, what would your ideal scenario look like?
Bejar says that it is a good idea to spend as much time with your children as you can.
Spend some time with a sibling, friend or relative with children if they are in need of some alone time and trust you to take care of their kids." she stated. It can lead to some really productive conversation about how to handle stress: what are your needs, how do you relate to each other.
Talking about money together is also important.
A marriage is a partnership where money plays an important role. Crystal Cox/Business Insider
Bejar stated, "People don't like to talk about money." "Money feels very,very taboo."
It's important to talk with your significant other about your finances. They can have a major impact on almost every aspect of your lives, even if your financial plans don't include combining your income with your spouse when you marry.
She said, "You need to be on the same page as there is a lot of variability in what partners expect or how they handle money."
"I would love to begin premarital counseling asking questions such as, "What does money really mean to you?" What was the family's relationship to money as a child? Bejar explained that money can be used to represent many things to different people.
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Money can be a source of stress and trauma for some people.
Bejar stated, "That's going to affect the way that money is talked about, how you feel about it, the ways you spend money and how you save money." All of this is rich in story, emotion, and behavior and can be easily swept under the carpet as irrelevant to your relationship.
Your partner and you might have different opinions about the roles of your extended family and parents in your life.
Your family might be closer than your partner. Hero Images/Getty Images
Insider was told by Bejar that having deep conversations with your partner about their "families-of-origine" can help you to understand them and the vision they have of your involvement in your future in-laws.
How do you merge these two identities when you are no longer a child of your parents but a creator of your own family? Bejar said.
She suggests that you talk to your in-laws about the frequency you will see them throughout the year, and how involved they are with your children if you do have them.
If you have any plans to move in with your parents, it is important that you tell your partner. This will make a huge difference in how your day-today life looks.
Bejar stated, "You want to know where you guys stand on this and whether it's going to create challenges along the road." "We are not coming to any compromise right now. But maybe in the future, it will be something we have to compromise on."
If you don't discuss cultural and religious differences early in your relationship, they can cause stress.
Wedding planning is a time when religion is a big topic. Yuriko Nakao/Reuters
If you are from the same background, it might be easy to talk about your religious and cultural upbringing.
Insider was told by Bejar that even though you were raised in the exact same religion as your partner it could have looked very different in real life.
Bejar stated, "When you combine a family together you want to discuss how you formed your cultural or religious identity." Talk about the values that you would like to instill into your family if you are interested in having a family. Are those values compatible with your partner? What does it look like when you talk about it with your kids?
Bejar said that it is possible to make your wedding planning easier by discussing your cultural and religious backgrounds early in your relationship.
She said, "It's a common topic in weddings. Sometimes you have a couple that might not be actively practicing their religion or cultural background or their ethnicity." But a wedding is a significant life event where you could infuse that.
It is not a good idea to assume that your partner and you will be on the same page regarding sex.
Your partner might be more driven to sex than you are. Shutterstock
Bejar stated that sex may seem intuitive for some, but she encourages her clients talk about their intimacy expectations when they consider marriage.
"You want to discuss how you feel sexually with your partner. She said, "You want to talk about the things that don't feel good."
One person may want to have sex more frequently than another, so it is important to be open with your partner to ensure that a difference in sex drives doesn't cause conflict.
Bejar continued, "You want open lines of communication regarding sex." You want open communication about what to do in the event of a change. What can we do to talk about this?
It's natural that your relationship with someone will change over time. Bejar suggests creating a culture of communication to help you and your partner adapt to these changes.
Do not wait to get engaged before you start talking about life-changing topics.
It is better to have big talks earlier than later. Getty Images/ Hero Images
Bejar stated that many people consider a proposal to be the start of a relationship. It can be difficult to discuss topics such as children and money once you have a ring on you finger. You may find that your partner wants different things.
Bejar stated, "When you feel serious about each other, it's the right time to start talking about these things." "You want to ensure that you are not on the same page about your life at the moment you meet."
She said, "Breaking up an engagement feels different from breaking up for a couple who are not engaged,"
Insider has the original article.
