[Editor's Note: The nation's two last winless teams remained winless. This time, again. A Big Ten team was able to earn the Coveted Fifth Spot. This time.
Inspirational thoughts for the week
Why can't you do it?
You can set your monkey free!
Always giving into it
Do you love the monkey more than you love me?
Why can't you do it?
Why must I share my baby with others?
What is the best way to get along with a monkey? (Monkey)
What is the best way to get along with a monkey? (Monkey)
Ah-yeeyah-yeeee
-- "Monkey," George Michael
We spend a lot time planning for the unexpected at Bottom 10 Headquarters. It is located under a mountain of candy corn thrown out by Mike Leach. A Top 25 team loses. A win by a team in the Bottom 10, that no one expected. A punter scoring a touchdown. A punter's interception. A coach who used to never punt and never lose, but now sometimes punts, and hasn’t won for nearly two months. (Sorry Presbyterian College).
We were not prepared for the bizarre story that social media claims that a monkey owned and trained by the Texas Longhorns special team coach had attacked a trick or treater.
Twitter was buzzing late into Monday night/Tuesday, while we tried to sort through the Top 10 Standings for this week. Is this true? Is it true in parts? Like any horror movie (not to forget Twitter), it is unlikely that we will ever be able separate fact from fiction. The damage is done, just like the Blair Witch hunters who wandered in the woods looking for her. Our minds will forever be filled with new fears. Forever, our minds will be filled with disturbing images. Uncertainty will always be a part of our souls.
In other words, you now know what it's really like to spend Saturdays watching the Bottom 10 teams.
Here are the Top 10 Post-Week 9 Rankings for 2021.
1. unLv (0-8).
The Fightin' Tark sharks lost four consecutive weeks to close defeats. They fell 51-20 against Nevada in the annual Battle of Nevada. The winner of the game is supposed to get the Fremont Cannon, which is a Howitzer named after John Fremont, an 18th-century pioneer, and the same man who was the name on the street that forms the old Las Vegas Strip. After their win, the Nevada Wolf Pack attempted to fire Fremont Cannon, but it was too contaminated with glitter, cheap shrimp tails, and Fireball residue.
2. By the Time I Get to Arizona (0-8)
After falling to USC 41-34, the Mildcats extended their FCS-worst loss streak to 20 games. Their two previous losses were by a touchdown or less. However, their most recent win was against Colorado on October 5, 2019. Their No. The No. You joker, what do you mean that we are going to lose every game in the next three years?
3. Kansas Nayhawks (1-7).
Kansas is tied with Arkansaw State (notA)U and FI(notA]U for the third-longest losing streak in the country, with seven consecutive losses. This is way behind Arizona's 20 loss streak and unLv’s 14. This is something they included in their game notes for this weekend's annual rivalry matchup against Kansas State. They are also the only Big 12 team that hasn't fired anyone or lost a game they shouldn’t have, decamped to another conference, or had a special-teams coach's monkey go viral.
4. U-Can't (1-8).
Good news! UConn is currently in the midst a rare double bye, with its second consecutive scheduled open date this weekend. The bad news? The bad news?
5. Meechigan (7-1)
play 0:41 Finebaum. Harbaugh isn’t even the best Michigan coach. Paul Finebaum looks back at Jim Harbaugh's performance after Michigan's loss against Michigan State.
The team that was just one rung below the AP Top 25's fifth place last week is now the Coveted Fifth Spot. Jim Harbaugh was defeated by Michigan State. Another loss. His record against Sparty now stands at 3-4. It's almost like taking your laundry out from the dryer and finding a permanent marker in your pocket with the cap off, and seeing his 0-5 record against Ohio State.
6. UMess (1-7).
Massachusetts beat UConn to end a 16-game losing streak. They lost 59-3 at Florida State, and then fell 62-17 at Liberty. The Minutemen shouted angrily at Liberty as they left the field. What did we do for you?
7. Whew Mexico State (1-7)
Reports have suggested that Liberty and both the Flames as well as New Mexico State are linked to Conference USA's constantly changing expansion plans. UMass and UConn athletic directors indicated that they may also want to put their helmets in the C-USA ring. We will also move our Top 10 headquarters to the custodial closet in the Conference USA office break room, just as Ryan did in "The Office."
8. FI(not A),U (1-7)
Butch Davis Farewell Tour continued at Marshall with a 38-0 defeat. After that Davis refused to talk to the media.
9. Arkansaw State (1-7).
Butch Jones spoke to the media after the Red Wolves' defeat 31-13 to South Alabama Redundancies. He realized, three minutes into the conference, that he was being asked questions by angry FIU beat writers aimed at Butch Davis. They just wanted a quote from Butch after another poor loss.
10. Southern Missed (1-7)
Don't let the Golden Eagles down. They have a schedule that is designed to allow you to fall down the steps into the Bottom 10 basement. This includes games against North Texas Lean Green, Lose-iana Tech, and former Top 25-traitor R.O.C.K from the UTSA. All of this leads to what could very well be the season finale Pillow Fight Of The Year MegaBowl when FIU visits SoMiss. We are not missing that.
Waiting List: Georgia Southern Not State and Ohio Not State, Texas State Armadillos.
