It is her in-charge day. It is a day when Flora, our nine-year old daughter, is in control and we are hers to direct. It is a day when the traditional hierarchies between parent/child are reversed. She can live her fantasies, refuses to do what she wants, and has absolute power, authority, and freedom.
Okay, but not absolute freedom. There are ground rules. We can't ask her to do anything that is unsafe or illegal. We keep this part intentionally vague so she can't ask for us to purchase anything too costly. We realized this year that we had to add one sentence to our contract. She cannot buy any pets.
Each January, we gift her a gift certificate for this day. The date and time are set by us: we decide the time and date. It is usually between 1pm on Saturdays and 1pm Sundays. It is something she looks forward to all year. It is a reminder to us that her childhood is over and that she will one day be an adult, in control of her life, able do whatever she wants every day. Each day spent with her as a little girl is precious.
Matilda has a song where the characters sing of how when they grow up they will have treats every day, watch cartoons every day, and sleep late every night. Ironically, when they grow up, it is likely that they won't be as keen to do these things. To me, the idea that childhood dreams are unfulfilled has always been a bit sad.
However, I'm not the only one who takes songs from popular musicals so seriously. It is not surprising that when I tell other parents about the in-charge day my husband Neil and me give to our daughter each year, they find it both bizarre and terrifying. Do you really want to give up control of your life for 24 hours to your child? Is that you? is the typical answer.
It was definitely moments like the moment we decided to do it, three years ago. I also had the same question. But I was curious. My parenting style is quite different from my parents. They adopted me late in my life, and I was a long-awaited child. They found great pleasure in giving in to my every whim. To my surprise, I did not expect to want to treat my children in the same manner. I wanted to be able to spend time with Flora, even though I loved her more than I could imagine. I desired to have free time, a tidy home, and a good night's sleep in my own bed every night. My husband and I quickly realized that I needed to be able to set boundaries and teach our child how to say no. We did just that, much to the amusement of her besotted grandparents.
But, I wondered if Flora was missing out on the fun I had growing up in a permissive home and the valuable lessons that I'd learned about making my own decisions.
We told her, and she was thrilled. She immediately began planning.
As we were reading Danny the Champion of the World, I was struck by Roald Dahl's epilogue at the close. This is something I remember passionately agreeing to as a child. This message goes to children who have read this book: Please remember something important when you are older and have your own children. It's not fun to be a stodgy parent. A parent who is sparkly is what a child deserves and wants.
Did I seem sparkly enough? I wondered. A little voice in my head said no. I'd read about similar experiments by parents with their children.
It all went horribly wrong. But, I believed that Flora, being an only child, would make it easy to follow her rules. With no siblings bickering or competing demands, she would be the only one in control. It was for just one day. It would be so easy to allow her to do whatever she wants for 24 hours.
She was so thrilled when I told her. She was six years old when she started to plan. It was a source of joy for her to make a list of forbidden foods and imagine how much she would have. When I refused to allow her to do something, she said: Mummy, that's fine, I will do it on mine in-charge day instead." I was stunned to learn what she meant. She was allowing me to imagine how much fun she would have by making a list of all the forbidden things she could do and eating, and then she told me she wanted to live by my rules for the rest of her life.
I felt anxious as the big day approached. Would I be able say yes to all? It would all end in tears.
She wanted to eat lunch at McDonalds as her first choice. As I sat there, eating french fries and anxiously waiting for her next command, a line from Where the Wild Things Are came into my mind.
We were exhausted, but still amazed twenty-four hours later. We had enjoyed every moment of it, even though we didn't know we were doing so. Every nerve-racking, exhilarating crazy second. Every year has been the exact same.
Flora is a very active girl who likes to watch a lot of TV and eat junk food late at night. She also enjoys simple, innocent pastimes like picking out sweets at a sweetshop, having a picnic, or snuggling up with our dog at night. She loves dressing up in large, flowing dresses and going to the movies for popcorn, ice-cream and sweets. She loves curling up with a book and a piece of chocolate cake in her bed.
It's easy to allow her to follow her rules for 24 hours. Its delightful.
It was especially touching to learn that she wants to bring back happy memories from times when we were together, such as a bike ride in the park or playing a board game. She also loves pancakes for breakfast. Moments of shared joy that she didn't realize was so important to me at the time.
She admitted that she was sick after eating a whole box of Coco Pops.
She also loves to parent us. She gave me a bath, washed my hair and gave me a haircut the first year. She then brushed our teeth and read us stories before putting us to sleep at 7:30 pm. While she was up, she watched endless Octonauts, and ate an entire box of Coco Pops.
Although we didn't intend to fall asleep, the sweet feeling of being cared for so tenderly by a six year old was overwhelming. I woke up at 11pm, ran downstairs, and found her happily seated on the couch, surrounded with chocolate biscuits, marshmallows, and the above-mentioned box of Coco Pops. She admitted that she felt a little sick.
Although she did achieve her goal of staying awake past midnight, she cuddled up next me and never expressed any desire to see Octonauts again. Coco Pops?
Most importantly, however, I am the one who has learned the most. As other parents tried, I find it liberating to always say yes to my child for a defined time. My husband and I both feel so free, so liberated from the pressure to convince her or take her somewhere she doesn't want. We realized that by giving her the reins, we were actually giving our self a day off.
It is not my intention to give her all the power, but I will. This would be bad for her diet. However, the experience taught me to be more present and to say yes to her more often on other days. What I didn't realize was that children can have fun. One thing is certain: if you, as a parent are willing to let your child take charge for even 24 hours, it will be a great experience. Your life will be more exciting.
Let the wild rumpus commence: whats and doesn'ts
Do
Allow your child to plan the day.
Establish ground rules: Nothing illegal, unsafe, or excessively expensive.
One child should be in charge at a given time. To avoid fighting, give siblings to a friend or relative.
