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Recently, I went to a major art gallery along with my family. Numerous children's shoes were displayed in circles before the Frank Gehry-designed spiral staircase. Each shoe represented a Native child who had died in a residential school. These shoes represented the little feet who no longer have the freedom to run and chase one another in their Native American communities.
My heart was broken when my 7-year-old pointed out the shoes and asked me why they were there. I explained that the shoes were meant to remind children who never returned home from school. I explained that schools had taken small Native children like mine and tried to teach them how to live differently. They were not treated well, or became sick, and some of them ended up dying.
She paused and silently replied: I didn't know that shoes could make you sad.
After 215 remains of children were discovered with radar outside the Kamloops Indian residential school in British Columbia, Canada, memorials such as these were built in public places, church steps and art galleries. The Tk'emlps te Secwpemc First Nations led the unmarked grave searches that sparked a wave in similar searches across residential school grounds throughout Canada and the United States.
Recent discoveries and memorials have made the topic more public. Parents may now be faced with questions about their children's lives. Both Native and non-Native parents need to be prepared for age-appropriate questions.
Be authentic, but be calm
There is plenty of information available about how to talk with children about their grief. Dolores Subia BigFoot is a child psychologist and professor at the University of Oklahomas Health Sciences Center. She offers some general guidelines.
Parents should hear my first message: Stay calm. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath and think about what you would like to say. She says that while you may apologize if they don't understand what you are trying to say, you should not apologize for your tears.
Recognize to your children that they are curious and have a question. You as a parent or caregiver should be able and willing to answer their questions. It may take some effort to find the answer.
Learn the history
Non-Natives need to be taught about the history of Native Americans and why it was wrong. Diindiisi McCleave is the CEO of National Native American Boarding School Healing Coalition.
As part of government policies, residential schools or boarding schools were established to integrate Native American children into white and Christian society. As Captain Richard Henry Pratt stated in 1892, the idea was to "save the man and kill the Indian". He later founded the Carlisle Indian Industrial School. Children were often removed from their homes and taken away from their families. Their long braids were cut and their clothes replaced with drab uniforms. They were also punished for speaking their native language, as well as other indignities. This is not an ancient crime. In the United States, there are still 73 schools with 15 boarding.
Many Indigenous people who lost their family members in the past were surprised or shocked to find that there were 215 children living in Kamloops. It was only the beginning. As other residential schools were investigated, this number grew over the months. It prompted the U.S. to launch an investigation in June. Interior Secretary Deb Haaland announced a probe into the country's history of Native American residential school.
Giovanni Rocco (Deputy Press Secretary at the U.S. Department of the Interiors) stated that the Interior Department began its investigation into the loss of life and the long-lasting consequences of residential Indian boarding school as outlined by the Secretarys memo.
We expect to start Tribal consultation in late fall. Here we will discuss how to share and protect sensitive information and how to preserve grave sites and sacred burial practices.
Nine bodies left Carlisle Indian Industrial School, Pennsylvania, earlier this summer and traveled home via caravan to Rosebud Sioux tribal lands, South Dakota. There were ceremonies and a big welcome home.
Native families
Native people need to recognize that this happened to them. McCleave said that the children in our care are a gift. She also suggested that we care for them in a manner our grandparents might not have been able to.
Since 2012, organizations like the National Native American Boarding School Healing Coalition have worked tirelessly to educate the public about boarding schools and help them heal. She says parents need to be open with their children about the trauma they have experienced and support them in resolving it.
Today's Native children wouldn't feel that loss as a firsthand experience, because bodies are being recovered. Dr. Lahomaschultz is an enrolled member the Muscogee Cree Nation, a licensed psychologist in Oklahoma and Arkansas, and also a professional counselor. She has been speaking with Native children for years about the topic of grief.
They will feel the same emotions as their parents and siblings. This is where grief comes from, because many of us have lost parents or grandparents or had grandparents who attended the old boarding schools. Dr. Schultz says that.
For all families
It is important to have a special approach when speaking with children about the mass graves that were unearthed. This is the unique aspect of it: Most children don't associate children being buried at school with their death.
Dr. Bigfoot suggests that children should be told the story of their childhood. They didn't have their parents or dads to help them understand. They were taken care of by someone else, sometimes in a bad way. Some children were hurt and some died.
Sometimes a brief explanation is enough. However, depending on the child's curiosity and emotional capacity, further questions may be asked. This can lead to discussion about why children don't have the same choices today.
Keep the conversation going
Dr. Bigfoot recommends that children not only tell a story to close the door but also incorporate what they are doing about it. She says that this is why I am trying to care for my family the best I can. At one time, grandparents and great-grandparents didn't have any choice.
Dr. Bigfoot said that the conversation can be triggered by other factors, such as the child hearing a news story, coming across a memorial, or being overheard talking about it.
Dr. Bigfoot accepts that the door may be opened by a book, TV series, or other media. Bambi's mom dying in The Lion King or [Simba's dad dying] in Bambi's story, these stories and emotions are all about grief. It is important that you discuss the evidence and what came out of it, in order to make your life better.
Here is a list with media options that may be useful for families as jumping off points.
