I was selling tickets to school's summer fair and autumn fair, when another parent reached across the trestle table to squeeze my arm.
It was so unexpected that it surprised me. It was as unexpected as a slap. When was the last time I had physical contact with anyone outside of my immediate family? Despite having children in the same class, this woman was not someone I knew well. It was a gesture of warmth nonetheless. However, 18 months of pandemic-driven fear can make it difficult to let go of this gesture.
It's true, a part of me wanted cover. Instead, I reached for a bicep squeeze to return my hand and then leapt back in doubt. Is that how social choreography works?
In recent weeks, I can't recall a time I felt more socially conscious than I do now. I was at Emma's 11th birthday celebration, and I was shuffling to Duran Duran. I was hoping nobody would notice that my ra-ra dress, which had not been made by Tammy Girl, but rather, it was homemade. Freshers Week, I was suddenly surrounded with villa-tanned, glossy-haired children whose boarding schools gave them a lot of confidence and sophisticated, ready-made social networks.
It would be unwise and unneighborly to act as if it were 2019, but refusing to accept invitations is becoming a sign of intransigence.
We all knew our place back in the days when social distancing and masks were compulsory. Zoom was easy to use and we could move our eyebrows to communicate basic information to the outside world. Even though we may cringe at the idea of the elbow bump, it is something we have perfected. We find ourselves in an odd place. It would be foolish and unwise to act again as if it were 2019. However, refusing to accept invitations to eat, drink, and be merry is becoming a bit standoffish.
It is a good thing that we don't live in a culture where people greet each other with kisses. Even the most basic social interaction can turn into a complicated dance. Do you feel uncomfortable shaking hands? Should you just have a good time and give a hammy bow, or shake your hand and then sanitize immediately to avoid offence? Asking for a friend is a good idea. At what point does yesterday's prudence become today's misanthropic neuroticism.
It is important to recognize that there is still a lot of uncertainty regarding the best course of action in any given social setting. This uncertainty has been exacerbated by arbitrary rule-making. This has left us with social anxiety that is gnawing. Acts of friendship and solicitude can be misread, resulting in concern feeling cold and affection feeling like reckless endangerment.
Is it possible that this has set us back many decades in our quest for a British reserve? There is plenty of evidence that our national stereotype is exaggerated. Even in its supposed golden age, the Victorian era was full of bestselling novelists like Dickens who were always tugging at the hearts of the public. It's not hard to see that we can be extremely awkward in social interactions. Think about how many times we apologize each day, all the drinking, Hugh Grants entire life.
Our social banter relies heavily on understatement. For Brits, the word quite can be understood to mean only moderately. This is always surprising to me. Even with all the talk about mental health today, there is an element of concealment. We are unlikely to answer a How Are You? with anything more than a good or fine. It is disconcerting to see that even the smallest of gestures can now be so loud and revealing.
How should we behave? Before the Covid regulations, there was etiquette. A complex set of rules that were both written and unwritten. It is associated with proper cutlery placement and appropriate curtsies deployment, which are a combination of snobbery as well as social climbing. Emily Post, the Gilded Age socialite, was the queen of etiquette. Her 2400BC manners primer by Ptahhotep includes advice that junior executives likely follow to this day.
It can be difficult to stop the need to like...
Even though there is a new etiquette emerging, it tends to be passive aggressive. The Scottish government published guidelines last December for handling awkward social situations. It included this suggestion response to someone who is too close to you on public transport. It feels extra weird because of the suddenness and self-consciousness.
The rising number of hospital admissions and the possibility of long Covid keep the stakes high, as well as the incessant internal monologue that all of this social insecurity creates, shines a disturbing light on how many micro-conformities are present in our daily lives. It is not difficult to see a gender dimension to this: As a mature woman, it can be hard for you to overcome the need to be liked and to make your discomfort disappear with smiles and compliance. Are we so concerned about the opinions of others that we are willing to put our health and theirs at risk? I am of the opinion that no generation is willing to try new drugs.
Yet, etiquette is a fundamental part of every society, every clique and every crew. It taps into our need to fit in on another level. Although this urge isn't as popular as it was in the 1950s, the fact that we are social creatures has been highlighted. Having been forced to keep each other at arms distance for so many years, that's something to be proud of.
Remember this: Good manners are about being respectful of others. George Washington was the first American etiquette guide. Rules of Civility and Decent Conduct in Company and Conversation, almost 200 years old, lists 110 rules. The third rule is relevant to anyone who might be considering going for a big hug in 2021.
For me, I cannot wait to hug you. I may just need a little more time. How about an air hug?
