No. It is a tiny but powerful word. It can make you feel childish, sheepish, or in trouble. What does it feel like to say no? Are you strong? Nervous? Guilty? Are you able to say it enough?
Simone Biles, the gymnast, withdrew from all of her Olympic appearances in July due to emotional exhaustion. Her no was a thunderbolt. While the majority of reactions were positive, opinions in the US were divided along political lines. The word selfish was used by white, male sports pundits (and Piers Morgan, as predictable as the arrows of time) The story was similar when Naomi Osaka, a tennis player, pulled out of the French Open in May. She spoke of lengthy bouts of depression before her press conferences.
After a lifetime of intense training, both women realized the importance of saying no. They were saying no to systems that could not protect them. But it was obvious. Biles, a superstar athlete, resigned from the most prestigious sporting event in the world to prioritize her mental state felt both culturally significant and remarkably easy. If she is feeling overwhelmed, why shouldn't she prioritize her needs over those of others? Why should anyone else?
According to Steve Magness, an Olympic athlete coach and performance scientist, the Olympic games can be emotionally draining. It takes years to build up to a moment, and then you feel external pressure that manifests in incredible internal pressure. Magness spent a decade studying toughness and our deep understanding of it. Biles made the easy decision to keep going no matter what. It is possible to defend yourself. It was hard to say no.
Magness believes that being clear about your capabilities is the key to strength. To be tough, you must have self-awareness and the ability to determine where you stand and which path to follow. The mountain climber is aiming for their goal at the top of the mountain. The difficulty isn't climbing to the top, it's coming down. They must still be clear about their capabilities. That is why toughness can be turning around, even though the goal may seem right in front of you.
Court out there Naomi Osaka who withdrew her entry from the French Open due to concerns about press conferences. Photograph: Tiziana Fabi/AFP/Getty Images
The word is also powerful for non-athletes. Boundaries has become a popular word as psychological themes are more deeply ingrained in our everyday vocabulary. However, it can be difficult to define personal boundaries in interpersonal relationships. Our society does not encourage us to choose ourselves. It is not respected, according to Nedra Tawwab, a relationship therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide for Reclaiming Yourself. We live in the headspace of others and not our own. We are constantly thinking about what others might say and do, whether they will be angry or whether setting boundaries will end the relationship. Tawwab says that we should pay more attention to how our lives are impacted when we don't have healthy boundaries.
Tawwab says that Biles, a black woman, has endured so much and not taken care of her own needs. But, there are many consequences to this strong narrative about black women. We must be more selfless and advocate for our needs. To be healthy, we must change the perception that speaking out makes us angry and unresilient. It is a joy to see women coming out and saying, "This is how I feel." I hope it encourages other women to say the same. It is a joy to see people coming out and saying, "This is how I really feel.
It can be difficult to say no when there are hierarchies in power, such as at work. It is becoming more important as the boundaries between work and our daily lives are blurring, due to more home-workers. According to Dr Jo Yarker (an occupational psychologist, researcher, and senior lecturer at Birkbeck University in London), people who are proactive about defining their boundaries (e.g., leaving work on time, taking leave, prioritising other activities) are better at managing their mental well-being.
Both Yarker, Tawwab and Tawwab suggest that practicing can be helpful. Emotion is often the driving force behind a discussion about limitations in any power-difference relationship. We feel vulnerable or threatened and we need to talk about them. This is especially true when we feel exhausted or under pressure. If we want to take action, we must be able to think rationally and understand our goals. Yarker admits that emotions can be intense. But, preparing for conversations about boundaries [she suggests role-play and practice] that clearly defines the factors you need to change will make it easier for everyone involved.
Sometimes, it is uncomfortable to speak up for fear of being dismissed. Yarker argues that it is the responsibility of management to establish a culture in which employees feel heard. To help employers manage work-related stress, the new Health and Safety Executive management standards state that organizations should adopt a preventative approach to psychosocial risk [occupational hazards related the way work is organized and managed]. Each individual can also reflect on what they need and request it.
Simone Biles from the USA, a gymnast, withdrew most of her scheduled disciplines during this year's Olympics. Photograph by Loc Venance/AFP/Getty Images
Are we able to misuse the word selfish? Tawwab says that yes, we do. She says that I like the definition of giving, which is not giving when it's impossible. When we use the word, it is important to consider what is being done. It is not theft to take a day off from work. Instead, it is a way of saying no and enough in conversation. You can begin by setting small boundaries, such as: If you are not ready to talk to someone at the time, I will call back. Confidence can be built with practice. It is possible to make it easy.
Recently, I was struck by my girlfriend's question about putting a pin in an emotional discussion around grief. She calmly and with an even tone set a boundary. I was impressed by her ability to do this. How we experience boundaries in our early relationships will affect how well we can set or receive them. According to Ammanda Major (head of Relate's clinical practice), it is not surprising that those who feel neglected or ignored growing up might find it difficult set boundaries. This may be due to an unconscious fear about abandonment. It might be difficult to recognize appropriate boundaries if there are not many boundaries set by our caregivers. This is true for family dynamics, friendships, colleagues and romantic relationships, but also for other aspects of life, such as work and personal relationships.
What if a friend, partner or family member is too boundaried? Major says that although this is not a comprehensive list, people who are too boundaried, or who say no often, may fear that allowing people to talk will lead to emotional vulnerability. This can cause fear in the other person and make them afraid they might get in trouble.
One popular joke is: Why did the narcissist drive across the road? They believed it was a border. It is possible for two people to mean different things by the word "boundary". Your partner may not think your mother-in law is being too helpful. You might be disrespectful of their time and feel that you are responding to group WhatsApp messages at the dinner table. Most people I have met in therapy felt that their needs weren't being met. Major says that while some of these needs may be outside the boundaries of therapy, others can emerge when you dig deeper into their meanings. Giving and receiving is the key indicator of a healthy relationship.
Although it can be difficult, honesty is something to strive for. Peace can be found in learning to say no, whether you are an Olympian or not. Isn't that what we all deserve?
