Chris Moedjio, 37, says that he knew he needed to break up with an ex of his, but they were scheduled to go on a trip to New York City for Pride. "Minutes after I dumped him, he asked me when he was getting his money back. [I] briefly considered keeping it, but then felt awful." He paid his ex around $450, but, he says, "I don't regret it at all. It's a break-up tax I'd gladly pay again." Another woman, Julia, went collecting when her ex cheated on her. "I found out after I had already bought his birthday gift. I made him pay me back the $600 and I proceeded to enjoy the hotel and show with my best friend."
Some exes, however, asked for money out of spite (or a blatant disregard for breakup etiquette). A 36-year-old woman who lives in the Bay Area tells me a chilly tale of a nightmarish ex-fiancé. He claimed she owed him money for "lost time," she says, after she ended their engagement. "I gave him money and so did my parents, [but] he insists that to 'make amends' I owe him more. He even asked me if I'd be comfortable asking a wealthy ex of mine for money to give him a loan." Some stories are just abusive; one woman, Kim, told the story of an ex who threatened to release her nudes and publicly post secrets about her-all over money he spent on hockey tickets. While he was cheating on her. (Some people should not get to use Venmo. Ever.)
Other people ask for money from exes as a way to communicate that they were owed better. One woman asked her ex for half the cost of an Airbnb they'd recently shared. She told him it was compensation for "wasting her time, emotions and money," even though she thought the odds of him actually paying her back were slim. "I had zero expectations of him repaying me, but I could have used the money, and I gave zero fucks if he thought I was petty." He did not pay.
Gaby Dunn, author of the book Bad With Money, points out that sometimes asking an ex for money during the breakup fallout is the first honest conversation a couple has about finances. "In the beginning, you don't want to talk about money because that requires existing in the real world where you might break up," Dunn says. McElhaney adds, "Our parents who are baby boomers or Gen-Xers often taught us that talking about money is impolite. I don't think that's true at all, but we still have this notion that talking about how much you make, or debt, will be a turn-off." Hence, money resentments tend to get kicked up during a breakup, when hurting one another, or getting closure, becomes the goal. Somehow, we feel like getting money might absolve or soothe us, that financial compensation might be a concrete sign that we actually came out on top.
But there's a lot you can do to protect yourself from the expensive shock of a breakup, according to McElhaney. At She Spends, they call it a Fuck Off Fund, an amount of money you've squirreled away for emergencies or unexpected expenses, which, in the event of a breakup, helps massively. Not only that, but McElhaney urges folks to put their name on any lease or mortgage, no matter what, to make it much easier if you need to leave.
Whether you ask your ex for money to be funny or beg them to reimburse you for half of the $2,330 Blendtec Stealth Blender they made you split with them, just don't make your Venmo request the first honest money discussion you two have.
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