My 12-year-old son peeked into my bedroom as I was sleeping and asked if there was a new kid on our block who could play video games. He then asked me the obvious question: Does he need to wear masks?
He can. He doesn't have to wear a mask. There is no rhyme or reason for that answer. It's what I said.
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A few minutes later, another person entered the room. My husband asked me if it was okay to bring the new child over without a mask. He said, "Yes, that's what I said." But I don't know! You can do what you feel is best. I don't know! It's up to you! Then I went back to my computer.
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My husband finally asked the child if he had been vaccinated and he said yes. He let him remain mask-free. We couldn't really explain why we made that decision, if we would make it again, or if any decisions are comprehensible.
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This is parenting these day, for us and many others we know. Inconsistency at its peak. Total incoherence. There is no coherent way to make decisions.
It was not easy to follow the rules at times, but they were awful in those days. The school district we attended was only online so all the students learned online. After-school club required that everyone wear masks. So they did. Each week there was a questionnaire that had to be completed before each soccer match. If the answer was yes (yes we have come in contact with someone who has tested positive for COVID; we also traveled outside the tri-state region), then we knew what to do. We kept the children home. Indoor play dates were not possible. Zoom was used for all bar mitzvahs. Even though eating out at a restaurant was something that we felt comfortable doing as a family was not an option, it was still possible to do outdoors. There was no other way to tempt you even on a cold evening. Although we were sometimes faced with new problems, all signs pointed to the same answer for our children's constant requests: no.
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It's a crapshoot now. My husband and I followed the CDC guidelines that stated it was okay for a family with vaccinated adults, even with unvaccinated kids, to invite one additional family with vaccinated adults, even with unvaccinated, to come to our house. As I was writing this article, I realized that I did not know if the guidance was still in force. The current guidelines for parents with unvaccinated kids include masking in public indoor settings but nothing about private residences. It's okay!
Truth is, we sometimes allow one child from another vaccinated household over to our home, unmasked. Other days, we allow two because the second child showed up. This summer, we've been on camp carpools where everyone was masked. This summer, we have driven camp carpools where none of us are mask-wearing. A friend of mine recently shared with me that she has given rides to children this summer wearing masks and windows down. It's not because I did any risk analysis or came up with the best protocol, but because I forget and just make do.
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You may be familiar with the following sleepover logic. A friend described it to me as follows: Our unvaxxed tween wouldn't sleep over at our best friend's house, even though they spend every day indoors, eating together, sitting on the couch together and sharing meals. But sleeping over means that they will be next to eachother, breathing in each other's air, all night. What does this even mean? What does that even mean?
Our sleepover illogic is also ours: Even though our children are not vaccinated, we have allowed a vaccinated child over. Despite the fact that both can transmit the virus, we won't let an unvaccinated child sleep over. It is possible that we might allow it depending on the situation. The circumstances will dictate. California friend said that they wouldn't eat at restaurants with their unvaccinated child unless it was very cold, there were no heat lamps, or very long lines.
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This haphazard decision making may sound a bit flip. There may be different thresholds or variables. You might have an immune compromised family member and are cautious. Perhaps you live in an area where rates are very low or high and have adjusted accordingly. With many more schools opening this fall than last, and nearly 90% of parents sending their children back (or planning to) this fall, we are all part of a huge parenting experiment. This leaves roughly half of our children's lives under the control of the state or district, and half up to us and our worries about the virus that is currently threatening our family.
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We give ourselves the pep talks about how if our children contract COVID it will likely just affect them like flu. Also, we have got to learn to accept this. Maybe playing FIFA in the basement with friends is a good idea. We make our little minute-by-minute decisions. And we contradict ourselves daily. The same friend who confessed to incoherent carpooling strategies also shared with me her experience of reprimanding her teenage vaccinated for not wearing a mask indoors. We reminded him that masks were required when he was in restaurants, shops, and other public places. She said that he could be with many people. We took him to a family party at a packed hibachi restaurant where nobody wore masks. He didn't let our hypocrisy get by him.
