Dear Prudence is available to chat live weekly with readers. This is an edited transcript from this week's chat.Jene Desmond Harris: Good morning and welcome to the chat. Please tell me the bad news!Q. Q. My grandparents, who were all born in Ireland, moved to America as children. My parents claim that my great-grandparents arrived in America from Ireland as children. They had to adapt quickly to a new environment with very little Irish community. They adopted American names and ate only American food. It is not surprising that Irish last names are quite common in America today.AdvertisementGrowing up, I didn't really know much about Irish American culture. My grandparents weren't interested in talking about it. Now I am an adult living in a heavily populated area of Irish American. A year ago, I began to become more interested in Irish culture and wanted more information. I started to read a lot about Irish Americans' history, made a few new dishes, and learned about the origins my family's names.AdvertisementAdvertisementIt wasn't something I thought was important until I mentioned it to my friends. My surprise was that my POC friends were upset and said that Irish Americans don't have a culture and that it was a dog whistle to get interested in Irish history. I wouldn't suggest that Irish Americans have it worse than Black Americans. I was just trying to find out about my ancestry.AdvertisementI initially thought to just throw them away, but now I worry that I might be indicating racism. Do I do something wrong?A: Not at all. A: Not at all. I think reading history books and cooking corned beef and cabbage is the best way to learn about your heritage. It would be better if more people of color chose this path instead of waving the Confederate flag, railing about the 1619 Project, and trying to ban critical-race theory from being taught at schools. I think there is something missing or a huge misunderstanding. A second conversation about your work and why might help to clarify. You may need to make new friends if these people really are mad at you for researching the family's history.AdvertisementPrudie's Advice:Questions for publication? Send them here. (Questions can be edited.Live chat Mondays at 12 noon You can submit your questions or comments before or during the chat.Q. Q. They have given him a graveyard shift even though he is due to give birth at the same time as the job begins. My husband requested a daytime shift. However, the pay raise was minimal, which is not ideal. My husband has been unable to reach out to me to express his dissatisfaction with the decision to give the other person the better shift. He is not comfortable with this, and believes it won't make any difference.AdvertisementHe will be the primary earner in our household, and I will be responsible for raising our baby. My husband is not being more persistent in his fight, my frustration at his employer and the pressures of being a mom in a world that seems to care little about child bearing, all while I try to balance my disappointment in him. How can I convince my husband to fight his employer over this decision?AdvertisementA: It is difficult. You should first find out why your husband isn't making this request. He should not be focusing on his dissatisfaction with the shift that was being assigned to him, but rather explain the inconveniences of the shift. It is not his business what happens with the other person. An employment lawyer might be able to help him if he is worried that it will not work or that his employer may retaliate. Although I don't know the exact law, an attorney could reassure him that his employer is bound to accommodate a new parent and that they can not fire him for speaking with him. This is something worth considering. You should also explain to your baby how difficult it will be for him to work nights. Be open about your fears and concerns for your baby. Make sure that he is aware that if he accepts the job, it will mean that you have to pay extra for child care.AdvertisementThis decision does not give me any insight into his view of his responsibilities as father and husband. How would he react to you suddenly announcing that you were unavailable for the night? He would probably think it was absurd, but he is just as parent as you! When someone tells me a story like that, I encourage them examine if it is part of a larger pattern and need to be addressed by a professional. If he insists on accepting the job, you will probably have to put work on improving your marriage aside for a while. Instead, just try to survive, take care of your child and get enough sleep. Ask for help and advice from friends or family members who, like your husband, appreciate the responsibility of caring for a child.AdvertisementAdvertisementQ. Q. Their plans were changed before COVID. They had a full ceremony and party with close friends. I wasn't invited because only those who live in the region were invited. (I live all across the country). They sent out save-the-dates after COVID struck and went ahead with their original plans. The last message that everyone received after the venue closed was, "We might reschedule," stay tuned.Fast forward a year and I have lost touch with the couple. A mutual friend saw on social media that one of the couple had commented about how much they were looking forward to their wedding. The friend searched for a website that could host their wedding (they do). She found some information about upcoming weddings in the middle of 2021. This would make it difficult for me to attend. This is what they said.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementWhat responsibility do I still have for this wedding? Especially since I haven't been told of any of the plans? It would be strange to contact them and tell them that I will not be attending an event they haven't invited me to. How can I help a couple who has had a wedding, but pretends not to have one? Any suggestions would be appreciated.A: Hello Engaged Couple. I hope you are doing well. Because I was so excited, I looked around to find out when the rescheduled wedding would be held. It has been a crazy year, and many plans have changed. I apologize for being so excited. When I saw the dates, I realized that I had a conflict and will not be able attend. I wanted to let everyone know as soon as I could. I would love to invite you to dinner to celebrate your new life. We could schedule [date]. If you have the means, send me a nice gift.AdvertisementReceive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Q. Q. It's okay, but he is very judgmental when I do something for my family, even though it's not often. He shuts down all attempts to talk about our feelings. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to remain empathic or kind so I withdraw and feel sorry.How can I help my husband voice his disapproval without making it a point to judge me? If that is not possible, how can I stop myself from retreating into my shell and expressing my dissatisfaction?AdvertisementA: I take it you are referring to helping them with their money. This is a difficult topic to talk about, as people have different values when it comes down to what is fair and what feels good. Talk to him about it at a time that is less stressful than the moment you are about to do something. Let him know how important his feelings are and that you understand them. Tell him how important it is for you to help your family, but also how important it is to you to manage your share of money in a way that makes you feel comfortable.AdvertisementIf he isn't against it, you can both set an annual budget that you both agree on for how much you spend with your family. This way, when you make your next Cash App transaction, he won't have to give you his approval or bring it up. You can also rest assured that the transaction was approved if he is still huffing and puffing.AdvertisementQ. Q. The writer might want to ask if the writer is using their heritage to justify their participation in white supremacy. I say this as someone who is Irish and is most comfortable exploring my cultural heritage because it is not oppressive. I am still white, with all that it means.A: This is what the letter writer mentioned. It's not something that falls under the scope of research on family history, recipes or names. If any of these feel familiar to you, please let me know.AdvertisementQ. Q. For breastfeeding women and pregnant women, certain accommodations are required. These accommodations relate to the ability to breastfeed, not preferred shifts, or any other similar.A: Oh, my heart. It's not surprising, though it is terrible. It would still be worthwhile to speak to a lawyer in order to determine if asking about a shift with negative consequences.Talk about this column on our Facebook Page!Classic PrudieMy dear friend has a 1-year old daughter who lives in another state. We communicate frequently via Snapchat and text messages. Sometimes she will reply to snaps or texts while driving. Shell takes pictures of herself behind the wheel and the road ahead, as well as any other views that might indicate that she is in the driver's seat. This has always been a problem for me because I am against distracted driving. But now, it is irritating that she does this with her daughter in the vehicle. She replied to messages by sending a photo of her rearview mirror with her daughter in the back seat. These types of replies are why I stop communicating with her. I don't want to be distracted while driving, especially when she has a child. I find it very disturbing that she is putting her daughter and herself at risk of an accident. I'm not sure if it is right to say anything. It is her life, her risk. I am deeply concerned. Even if she doesn't want to talk to me while driving, she will still respond to other people. What should I do?
