Dear Prudence is available to chat live weekly with readers. This is an edited transcript from this week's chat.Jene Desmond-Harris: Good morning! I hope you had an amazing weekend, as always. Let's talk about how we can make your weekend better.Q. Doting grandmother. I love my daughter in-law. She is the best thing that has ever happened to my family. She is sweet, caring and funny. My son and she met at 21. Her family had died the previous year, so we took her in. She is great with my husband, my daughters and all of my extended family.AdvertisementMy son's life has been rocky. He was sent to a top-ranked private school with his sisters, but he was kicked out for selling drugs. We took him back, supported him, then, a few years later, we were rescuing him from more serious problems. He was released from an expensive rehabilitation center and began to do really well. He married our daughter-in law, met her, and had two beautiful kids.AdvertisementAdvertisementMy son had made a complete turnaround in his life and I was proud. It all fell apart a few years later. He was involved in an affair, and was in $600,000.AdvertisementHe wanted us to bail him out. We declined. We refused. He lost his house because of his debts. He moved in with his mistress, but was not willing to leave his wife and his two sons. So we took them in. Because we never sold our family home, we have plenty of space.Our son still has no access to our money four years later. Our daughter-in-law, and our grandsons, still live with us. Our eight-bedroom house is shared by us. We appreciate the help our daughter-in law provides around the house. Instead of renting, she cooks and cleans (but not all). She is doing well for herself; she is an art teacher, and our grandsons are doing well. It is wonderful to have them around everyday.AdvertisementAdvertisementMy son has remarried, but not to the woman with whom he cheated, thank God. His new wife, however, is very cold to us. Our son still sees us for our family dinners every fortnight, but we don't help him financially. His wife complained once that she felt let down because we didn't help them with their wedding, even though we paid the entire bill for it. My daughter-in law is constantly making disparaging remarks about me and her inability to make it all on her own. It is false. Our daughter-in law offers us as much support for her as we do for them. Money is not how you support people. We pay for the boys' education because we want.AdvertisementMy son and his wife just had a baby. Although we have only met the baby once, my daughter-in law has made it clear that the baby will not be coming to our home while her husband is still living there. We were sorry, but we couldn't force them. Our son is loved by us. We have made a financial adjustment, but not emotionally.Recently, my son called me to inform me that they had changed their minds and would like to invest $100,000 in a savings account. This will allow us to support our new granddaughter just as we have with our other grandchildren.AdvertisementMy granddaughter is my priority. But when I suggested that I would invest the money in a private trust once she turns 21, my son replied, "No, I don't want the money now." He said it was for his child. He said that I only had two options for seeing my granddaughter.Advertisement1) I have cut off my daughter in law financially. He was just as he was when she was a child.2) Provide him $100,000 to start his family.Money is not an issue. I will not cut off my daughter-in law. But the money feels like blackmail.My husband is upset and wants to give me the money because he wants to see my only granddaughter (we have no grandsons). But I disagree with him and believe we should stay firm.Do we give the money to our granddaughter, or do we continue the financial love? I worry that he will give me the money and keep his promise to visit for a year, then cut us off when he needs anything else. As much as I want to be part of my granddaughter's life, I am so conflicted. What can we do? What are our options?AdvertisementAdvertisementA: This is very difficult, and in some cases even more so because money is not an issue. Exchanging money for time, attention, or love is not a good idea. It just feels weird.You could spend $100,000 on your son if you have the money. Let's just hope it works out. I thought, "A few expensive visits per year is better than nothing." Then I realized that this was not true. Your granddaughter will suffer the most if your son lets you deepen your relationship and then cuts you off (and my instincts tell me he will). It is more beneficial for her to not have any relationship with you, even though it is sad. This could be very traumatizing.AdvertisementBe firm. You should communicate to him that we love you and want to take your daughter to the States. However, we won't pay for it. It would be a good idea to remind him that any money you get from your parents is a luxury only a few people can afford, and not a right.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou sound like you have a wonderful, loving relationship with your daughter in law and grandsons. Keep putting your energy and time into it and don't let your son ruin it.Prudie's Advice:Questions for publication? Send them here. (Questions can be edited.Live chat Mondays at 12 noon You can submit your questions or comments before or during the chat.AdvertisementQ. Where is my diamond? I have been married to my partner for nine years and we've lived together for eight. Although I have been married twice before, I feel that I shouldn't do it again. However, I want him to propose. I'm 41, so it seems silly to want the whole ring again. He is so committed to our lives together, emotional intelligent, and available-an all around fantastic guy.I have tried to get him to propose a few times, but he is still hesitant. I believe that his hesitation stems from my inability to keep myself fit (true), but it is disappointing that he could feel that way. Although I feel I have worked hard to find the strength and motivation to prioritize my needs and wants, I am still conflicted.AdvertisementAdvertisementDo I bring it up or should it be ignored?A: I don't care about the proposal. I care about your exiting a relationship that has basically stated he will not be with you if you have a change in your body. I'm not the only one who thinks he doesn't love you. You have done him a favor by not moving quickly. Ask friends and a therapist to help you find it, and then leave him.AdvertisementQ. Cat-astrophe. My husband and me were asked to be godparents for the baby of Mark and Liz. They invited us to join them for a week. I discovered that the cat they brought with them was there a few days before we were due to arrive. They are aware that I am allergic to cats. I don't mind that they forgot. But I assumed that I would be invited if the cat wasn't there. I learned about the cat over the phone and cancelled the trip.AdvertisementSince then, they've given us the silent treatment. Multiple times we have tried to reach them for information. We were polite and concerned, but we have not received any reply. It is not clear to me. It's too high-handed. I can't stay a week in a home where cats have lived. Even a few hours, I will get breathing difficulties and lingering symptoms.AdvertisementI am starting to wonder if this is a part of a larger pattern. Liz makes my husband and me feel like we are just another man. Or she was before it became rude to call her a fag-hag. One time she said, "What's the point in gay men if you don't take you dancing?" Another occasion was when she and her husband went with us to a gay bar. They began to have an affair from the moment they sat down. It continued for about ten minutes until a young man called them to stop. They were both in their 30s and I have never seen them do that in another setting. There are many other instances. She also used language that was more appropriate for an employer-employee relationship, than it is for close friends. Sometimes Liz may use gay men for amusement, but she doesn't respect them. It is all about Liz.AdvertisementAdvertisementIt seems unreasonable to expect me to stop breathing in order that I can help their baby. Although I took my duty as godfather very seriously, I don't know if I could maintain friendship with someone who expects me to be of service to their baby, despite discomfort, or even inability to breath, and punishes me for not giving her what she wants. Are I being too strict? Is it worth trying? We had been looking forward to meeting the baby. But I find this silence so discourteous, high-handed and based upon an unreasonable demand. I am furious.A: It is not worth it trying to keep this friendship. You did it, and I'd explain why.AdvertisementQ. I don't want to become a widower. With the U.S. opening up I am planning to take my wife on a long roadtrip in early fall. She is refusing the COVID vaccine. I received the Moderna shots many months ago. She cites a medical condition as the reason for her refusal to get the COVID vaccine. Every credible medical source claims that her chances of contracting the disease outweigh the risks. My arguments are not convincing to her.AdvertisementAdvertisementOur community has low infection rates and high vax, which makes us feel more secure at home. This gives us some control over the environment we are exposed to when we travel. We would travel through states with high delta variants, which means her chance of getting infected is greatly increased. I am concerned about her health, and don't believe the reward is worth it.AdvertisementDo I have to cancel the trip if she does not get the shots?A: I don't think you have the ability to cancel the trip. She is an adult, and she can do whatever she likes. Yes, you should decline to participate and hope that shell back out does not happen. This will increase her chances of staying out the hospital and decrease her chance of spreading to other people who have good reasons to not be vaccinated.Receive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Q. Q. She makes herself look like a victim, sending us hateful, abusive emails full of inconsistent lies and accusing us for things she does. One accuses us of teaching our dog to go to the tree in front our houses. This is allegedly because she hates immigrants. She was born in NYC and is of Western European heritage. We requested her insurance information after she covered her yard with toxic lead paint dust.AdvertisementAdvertisementAnother neighbor contractor captured a dispute over a parking spot. She threatened to call police and immigration. The video ends with her zooming in on her house, which is worth $3 million. Do we upload this video to possibly get her out?B: You can block her email address to stop her from contacting you. Next, focus on the damage she has done to you and not your neighbors or contractors. Finally, consider whether you have legal recourse. You can get a lawyer to represent you in the toxic lead dust case. But, you should only react to what she did that directly harms you or your property.AdvertisementQ. Q. It is not necessary to inform the son about this trust. The trust should be managed outside of the family so that the granddaughter can know when she turns 18, the amount is available and how it will be used. It is better to keep her son away from any money that is meant for his daughter, given his character.AdvertisementAdvertisementA: I meant to mention that the terrible behavior of the son shouldn't stop the granddaughter receiving any money that the letter writer would like her to receive now or in the near future.AdvertisementQ. Q. He shouldn't be given money. You can buy him a house, since money doesn't seem to be an issue. The house will remain in your name until your son fulfills his end of the deal: at least X number of visits per year with your granddaughter, until your son is 18. At that point ownership of the house will transfer to your son.A: Although I doubt a court would allow non-parents to purchase partial custody in this manner, Im not 100% sure. Talk to a lawyer about your options.Update at 3:00 p.m.: Just realized that I misunderstood your proposal. If he is motivated more by having a home to live in than he would be by owning it forever, then this might work.Talk about this column on our Facebook Page!Classic PrudieQ. Is Instagram killing my relationship? I have been long-distance dating this man for four months. Recently, I saw some strange activity on his Instagram and it has turned into a teenage-esque drama that I hate. He is currently on vacation for a destination wedding of an old friend. I suddenly see him liking bikini photos and adding girls to Instagram.
