Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingMy 16-year old daughter spent the summer volunteering at a camp in our community for students with low income. Although she seemed to enjoy the experience, her personality has changed. She returned each night almost as if she had a completely new person. Her personality was once happy and full of life. She is now jaded, cynical and constantly criticizes us and our privilege. Her negative comments and sour mood have ruined many activities that once brought joy to our family (like eating out together or going to the beach). She claims that we are spending too much money, while there are real people who need it more than us. Every attempt to volunteer or donate to charity has met with continued cynicism.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementHere's the thing: I was born very poor and struggled to get into the middle-class. My daughter who has never had a desire for wealth or privilege, will not lecture me about it. I did not work so hard to provide for my daughter. I would love to see her leave for the rest of the summer and work a low-wage, temporary job. Then we'll see what she feels. However, I know that I take what is likely normal teenage rebellion too personally. My husband and my other children are caught in the middle. How can I encourage my daughters to care for the less fortunate, but also make sure she doesn't bring her bad attitude. She is extremely irritating to me, making me feel bad about being around her. What's next?AdvertisementMother in MilwaukeeDear Mom, MilwaukeeTeenagers are known for taking new information and using it to show their parents that they are wrong or inadequate. This behavior is not a bad thing. It is your responsibility to help her understand the implications of economic inequality and to show her how it can be applied to her daily life.AdvertisementTalk with your child about the causes of poverty and encourage her to look into career options that will allow her to work against them. Be open about your childhood experiences. While you don't want to make it seem like everyone can live comfortably in the middle of the class by simply putting forth the effort, do share your personal journey with her. You can offer her suggestions on how you can make the world a better place. However, it is important to set the expectation that she shows respect for you and the hard work you have put in. Accept that she is right on some levels. The world is unfair. And that luxury shopping for shoes and gourmet cookies every season can be a stark contrast to the real needs of others. This could be solved, at the least in part, if people with a little more money were willing to share their wealth. She will, hopefully, learn to engage differently and save the world and her own mental health. We wish you all the best.AdvertisementAdvertisementHelp! Help! Answer: Join Slate Plus.Dear Care and FeedingTwo siblings are 3 and 5 years old. I'm a nanny. I love my job and the children. All issues are minor and common, and I'm grateful for that. Their dad is the problem. While I prefer the more authoritative parenting style, he is very permissive. He won't say no and won't set boundaries except in extreme danger. They will cry if they ask. If they refuse to comply, he promises them a new toy and bribes them to stop clinging. This wasn't a problem for my in the past. Their dad was never at home with me, so I wasn't a problem. Their mom is much more authoritative. I feel like we are more in sync. They also understand that adults have different expectations and boundaries, and they follow them accordingly. It has been a nightmare with him at home and within earshot of everything we do.AdvertisementAdvertisementThey are acutely aware of their dad's ability to hear them and how they operate. Situations that would have been handled with calm conversations are now full of meltdowns. It is difficult to deal with a crying child because I am not available. They cry and then demand his attention. He is busy working so he cannot give it. They are disappointed and grumpy when he leaves. I am left to clean up the mess. It's an emotional rollercoaster ride for us all. These situations would not reach the point where we could even cry if he just left it to me. His actions reinforce his bad behavior and make me feel weak. It also leaves the kids sad that their dad isn't able to spend time with them. I realize I cannot tell him how to raise his children. I am also helping him to raise his children, and I spend far more time with them than he. Is there a way to say "Hello, please let me go while you are here"? It would be a great way to tell him that you make my job 10x harder.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementNanny Seeking HarmonyDear NannyThis father has seen the escalation of difficult situations and has had to be present to explain to him why it is best for you to take care of his children alone. This shouldn't be a difficult conversation. Discuss what happened, the emotions of the children, how they react to the fact that Daddy is not available at that time, and the difficulties you have in maintaining order and respecting their wishes. While you appreciate his efforts, it is hard for you to not feel sorry for the children when he isn't there. You may feel guilty that he is not able to spend time with them or being the one doing the work. He might be acting out of an obligation, even though these situations are often unpleasant. He will likely be content to allow you to continue your work uninterrupted and stay focused on his job. Be sure to not make it seem like you are judging his parenting skills or a judgment. Instead, ask him to let you work in conditions that are better for everyone. We wish you all the best.AdvertisementYou can read Thursday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy stepdaughter has always been a good friend of mine. I was her dad's wife when she was in college, and have become more of an aunt and older friend to her than any mom figure. My stepdaughter and her husband are expecting a boy in September. She recently shared with me that their top names were Omar and Bodhi. My husband is White and they are both White (I am Latina). However, my husband and I are uncomfortable with their names choices. We don't know why they prefer names from other cultures and we arent sure how to pronounce them.AdvertisementFriends who are Middle Eastern and Asian have shared their frustration with the fact that White people use the same names as them as children. I can understand this because I have a confusing name. My husband and I don't know how to begin this conversation with my daughter. She has been upset with me in the past because she perceives my husband as criticizing my lifestyle. He was also asking her if she was comfortable traveling to another country during the epidemic. What can we do to bring up this issue with them without getting into a fight? While I don't want to be rude or judgmental, I would also hate to remain silent and allow my stepdaughter to use names from other cultures.AdvertisementAdvertisementConcerned StepmomDear ConcernedIt is possible to simply point out that these names are often deemed too difficult, or not normal enough for people of color. You could also express concern about the fact that a White baby might be given such a name. You can point out their mispronunciations as an example of the difficulties children with names such as these experience in their lives. You can share your personal experience as a person of colour about the name process. Ask your friends to share their feelings about the names being used by people without any connection to them. Be prepared for them to reject everything I have said and to name their child BodhiOhmar. But do your best to save them as much as possible. You are very welcome.AdvertisementListen to Mom and Dad Are Fighting for more Slates parenting coverageDear Care and FeedingMy 1-year-old nephew cannot pronounce Giselle my name correctly so he calls my name Gizoo. My sister and mother think his name is cute and have started to tell him things like Honey, could you show Auntie Gizoo what your new toy is? or calling me Gizoo when they talk to him. Although I am aware that many families use the same names as their children when they were young, I don't like being called Auntie Giselle! I tried to correct them by saying "Dont you mean Auntie Giselle?" or trying to teach my nephew Giselle instead of Gizoo. But my sister and mom think it's cute and will not stop using it! How can I stop my family making this baby talk their permanent nickname?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementGizoo: DownDear GizooYour family should tell you, clearly, that Auntie Gizoo is not your preferred name and that children who are not able to pronounce your name correctly are not allowed to call you that. Gizoo, your nephew's interpretation of Giselle by Gizoo, means they can still refer back to you as Auntie Giselle. Hell know what they mean so there is no reason to allow anyone else to talk to you in baby talk.Would it be OK if your nephew kept the nickname for you? Is there something special about the nickname that he gave you that you could honor and not allow your family to use? You might consider naming your child Auntie G or Auntie Elle, in case he doesn't like the name you have already given him.AdvertisementJamilahSlate has more adviceThe recent news coverage about Facebook's flagrant disregard for privacy has disturbed me. People must leave Facebook if they want Facebook to have higher privacy standards. A few weeks ago, I was ready to do that. I saved all my data and told my friends that I was signing out. I discovered that I would lose valuable connections and resources for parenting. I can live without my friend updates on my news feed. But it is harder to be removed from the parent group for my daughter's preschool, my new moms, our town parents, and the Slate parenting group. We are still trying to make friends in our area, so I worry that we won't be notified about play dates, parties and other get-togethers. What should a mom do?
