How to Do It is Slates' sex advice column. Have a question? You can send it to Stoya or Rich here. It's anonymous!Dear How to Do it,We have been married for one year. Growing up, I was raised in a family that was open to discussing sex. My brother and I are both in hetero marital relationships, but all three of our children are bi. My wife was raised in a conservative home and did not experience much sexual exploration. I have done all I can to help her think about her sexual life. Although we moved in together before we got married, we have been living together for over two years. However, we've been dating for many years and are still sexually active.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementWe started inviting friends over to our new house when we moved in. My wife was introduced to a friend through a mutual friend. She discovered that she was attracted to the woman, who is also a woman, and had light sub-kinks. Although it was uncomfortable for her to talk about this at first, it led to some threesomes with our new friend.It was great! Now, the problem is with me. I have never experienced sex without being tied to a deep, romantic relationship. I don't have a plan for how to handle what is happening. It is difficult to keep it strictly friend-familiar with benefits. My wife and her friend are very close to me at this time. I've started sexting my wife on a regular basis (my spouse isn't much of an avid sexter). I don't know what polyamory looks like and I am unsure if it is allowed for me to have romantic feelings about this new partner. What is Halp?AdvertisementPolyam or AmnotStoya: What Stoya is supposed to look like. This is a complicated concept. There are many possibilities for non-monogamy. Monogamy is also possible, but it's not as well-known or discussed. Communication and consent are essential for ethical non-monogamy. Is there a conversation about being friends but sharing the benefits of this woman?AdvertisementRich: Yes, to all of these. Tristan Taormino has a long essay about the supposed issue in Opening Up. She claims that non-monogamy is not universally done the same way and that traditional media models are very rare. It's up to you. This is the problem, but it is also the solution. The freedom to be untethered and not bound by a cultural model for love is just as thrilling as flying.AdvertisementStoya: It is not easy to figure out how you want your relationship to be. Self-examination is the first step.Rich: From there, its a conversation/negotiation. Taoromino recommends that you sit down with your partner and create a contract. This requires listening to one another, asking for what you need, and being open to compromise.Stoya: Is Taormino able to comment on whether this is the married couple, then the friend, or all three together?Rich: I think it is generally written as a primary/couples agreement. However, it would be beneficial to have a discussion with all three of them.Stoya: For sure. How do you feel about couples making decisions together? It's not a consensus issue, but were leaving the arrangement. However, how emotionally connected they are seems like a group meeting.AdvertisementAdvertisementRich: This is a wonderful point. Because of my romanticism, I might be a bit conservative. This is what I think аbout: Preserving the original unit/relationship (in our case, the wife and the letter writer) is the priority. This situation is quite different from your classic. We are going to be non-monogamous. Here's how we go about the preliminary conversation. It seems that the third person has really triggered the need for such an exchange. Your suggestion of a three-way conversation could prove to be very emotionally bonding. The feelings of the new friend could determine if she is happy to be included.Stoya: They are already having threesomes. This is all open. This is open.AdvertisementRich: The question of whether our writer can have romantic feelings is something that can be discussed with the wife. It is important to know the emotional boundaries of your relationship. This includes whether it is for entertainment or if it can lead to something more serious without creating feelings of betrayal. Our writer is almost admitting that romantic feelings exist by asking if they are permitted.AdvertisementStoya: What should they do if their feelings are incompatible with their partner's boundaries?Rich: I was able to turn my back on him. Similar experience. When it became too romantic for my boyfriend's comfort, it was fine. He won't have sex with me anymore. That was fine with me. I've also been on the opposite side. I was with a couple and noticed that one was having feelings. I decided to let go and withdraw from the situation. I was not going to add stress to their lives or be an accessory to a split.AdvertisementStoya: How do you handle that talk? If backing away is the best option,Rich: In those cases, I believe that a lack or clarity can be a real problem. People can blame themselves if they don't understand the root cause. Explaining how you got there, and why you feel the next steps is important, even though it is difficult, is the best way to be compassionate.Learn MoreWe have been married for about 10 years. We have had very different sex drives and feelings overall. This problem was obvious from the beginning, and I still love him for many other reasons. We have young children and I love him. However, I feel a constant state of sexual frustration that makes it difficult for me to live a happy life and undermines my relationship with him. I have a crush on almost any man who keeps my gaze for too much. I am desperate.It's true. My husband made comments over the past year to the effect that I don't mind if your cheat on me, but not letting me know. I would be jealous! Can I cheat on him?
