Jungle Cruise will be heading upriver to the deep, dark, and heart of box-office success. This marks the 11th feature film or TV movie that is based on an attraction from a Disney park. Let's just say that the studios have not been successful in returning to these projects. The Pirates of the Caribbean series has been hugely successful. But the second-tier of Disney rides adapted to the big screen are a parade of embarrassments such as Mission to Mars and The Haunted Mansion. The Tower of Terror TV movie starring Kirsten Dust and Steve Gutenberg is a child-friendly version of The Shining.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementHere are some Disney attractions that Disney is trying to make cinematic greatness of amusement park rides.The Hall of PresidentsAdvertisementYou can't make something as terrifying and unholy as Donald Trump and not make a movie that kills people. That is just crazy science. A riff on Westworld, Five Nights at Freddys or Westworld would make a great Hall of Presidents movie. But this story is more Frankenstein-esque. The audio-animatronic Trump makes a mad dash through the Imagineering section trying to find his creator, and convince him that he was born Hillary Clinton. Perhaps the Trump robot could join forces with the remaining Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln figures from 1964 New York Worlds Fair. He looks like he would like to exchange a few words with the person who stole his clothes.AdvertisementVerhoeven would be a master at this.Bras: The Wonderful Wizard of BrasThe Wonderful Wizard of Bras was the corporate macot of Hollywood-Maxwell Company. He was also the creator of the V-Ette Brassiere. He is seen in this 1954 Seventeen ad.AdvertisementAdvertisementThe Wizard of Bras received a redesign the following year. It was this turbaned version of his character, as seen in the Vogue ad, that became the unlikely basis of a Disneyland attraction.AdvertisementAdvertisementIt was opened by Hollywood-Maxwell in 1955. The shop offered Intimate Apparel and Brassieres. Torsolettes were also available.AdvertisementA revolving stage that rotates, with one side showing the fashions of todayinner wear and outerwear and the other showing the fashions from the 1890s. The Wonderful Wizard, who acts as master of ceremonies via tape recorder, explains the main theme of the showThis was how it was.Although the Disneyland Hollywood-Maxwell shop was closed after six months, a Wonderful Wizard of Bras movie franchise could survive for many years, regardless of the direction that the filmmakers choose to go. The original design of the characters is pure horror and they would be perfectly suited for running around on sorority row, causing trouble. If Disney wishes to bring back the hardcore body horror tradition that was abandoned by the studio after The Shaggy D.A. they could give the idea to David Cronenberg. It was this way, and it's still how it was. The Wizard could howl and chitter as he created the New Flesh using his magic wand.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementAlternativly, this idea could be made into a family-friendly fantasy adventure.Mr. Toads Wild HorseMr. Toads Wild Ride, which is probably the most bizarre attraction in Disney parks, is based on Kenneth Graham's classic children's book The Wind in the Willows. According to the original text, Mr. Toad was obsessed with motorcars and his reckless driving leads him to prison. The ride ends with Mr. Toad in prison. He does get into trouble with a magistrate but also runs head-on into a train and is sent to hell. This makes it the only Disney ride that ends up in eternal damnation. It's a lot.AdvertisementDisney has adapted The Wind and the Willows for TV and film many times, but none have managed to capture the ride's single-minded Protestant obsession with the saved and the condemned. Disney combined Mr. Toad's story with an adaptation of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. This meant that they couldn't get too far into the supernatural in their first attempt.AdvertisementIt's been too long for a reboot so Disney should finally make Mr. Toads Inferno.The Country Bear JamboreeAlthough the Country Bear Jamboree may not be the most thrilling Disney attraction, everyone agrees that it is the only one where guests can attend a jamboree in which bears perform country music. Here's the original version:AdvertisementAdvertisementWow! It's horrible! It wouldn't be difficult to make the idea into a children's movie. Many kids movies today are inspired by action and superhero movies, with endless third-act battles. Anything that draws from other cinematic traditions has an advantage. Specifically, The Country Bears Jamboree, with its menagerie of thinly-drawn country bears, would work perfectly as a road movie / getting-the-band-back-together story in the tradition of The Blues Brothers. Filmmakers and audiences alike love the choppy structure of any kind assemble the team movie. Each sequence dedicated to recruiting a new member to the team is an opportunity to not be suck. The advantage of getting the band back together is that instead of solving a mystery or staging a clever heist or fighting a supervillain or fighting them off, the movie's big finale is a concert or musical number. It would be difficult to make a film adaptation of The Country Bears Jamboree. This is why Disney made a Country Bears Jamboree film back in 2002. The Country Bears are a sham because everyone forgets them.AdvertisementThe Country Bears trailer does a great job of explaining what is so awful about the movie. But it fails to show how bizarre it really is. First, Christopher Walken plays the villain. Stephen Root, Queen Latifah and Stephen Tobolowsky also make up the cast. They are all delightful in every other movie except The Country Bears. Elton John, Brian Setzer and Willie Nelson are all present as cameos, with Bonnie Raitt, Don Henley and Don Henley singing for the bears. The Country Bears is much less than its parts. It might be more difficult to make a feature movie out of a ride at a theme park than it appears.Star Wars: Rise of the ResistanceYou could probably make a space opera from this, with just a little bit of work!
