Dear Prudence is Slates' advice column. Submit questions here.Dear PrudenceHello, New Prue! Is that okay? My husband and I have been married for approximately 10 years. We have been together for 15 years. My husband and I have been married for about 10 years, and we have been together for 15. After my business was destroyed by COVID, I switched to a full-time position. My (entrepreneurial business) is still my main source of income and has returned to full-time. My husband isn't asking me to give up my stable, full-time income. I understand that. He makes at least four times what I make. He controls our finances. He controls our finances. I contribute but he refers to the monthly amount as the tithe. This is not the problem! He stops talking to me when I do something wrong, even if it is accidental. He will not speak to me for hours if I do something that he does not like. I'm not a pushover. I'm strong, smart, dynamic, and a leader. However, I'm not passive-aggressive. I prefer direct confrontation. It doesn't work. It doesn't work to talk calmly. I don't know what to do. My husband thinks I am a liar but won't admit it. How do I manage our conflicting styles?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementHusband houndedDear HatedIt's fine to be New Prue! :)I don't know what it is that upsets me the most. It could be the behavior that has hallmarks financial and emotional abuse, being married to someone you hate, or the fact that you believe that you are the problem. It's the last. While conflict is fine and there are many types of conflict, that's not the issue we're dealing with. This is not the way you deserve to be treated, even by someone you are supposed to love.What would you say to a friend whose husband is doing these things? It wouldn't be stay and compromise, I don't think. If you start to wonder if someone hates your spouse, it is most likely over.AdvertisementIt is worth trying therapy, but you should not pay the tithe while you are there. Instead, just accept the silent treatment. Once you have enough money, you can start making plans to leave when you are ready.Receive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear PrudenceAnna, a little girl I knew in elementary school in the 80s and 90s, died from cancer in our third grade. Although we never became close friends, we did visit each other's houses and were good friends. We were both in the same 1st grade class, and for one year we were on the same soccer team. My mom, a stay at home mom, was often a volunteer at school as a teacher assistant and field trip chaperone. Although she took lots of photos of everything, she never did anything with them. She would take the photos and then put them in shoeboxes for later. I stayed with her in April 2020 during the shelter-in-place initial order. Im still here even though Im working remotely. Both of us started working on different projects around the house and I finally decided to tackle those boxes full of photos and organize them into albums.AdvertisementAdvertisementThese pictures show Anna before she became ill. I found many of them while going through the photos. These pictures are of Anna in school, playing with her classmates at recess or on a field trip with friends. My first instinct was to reach out and tell Anna's parents. How do I do that? Are they supposed to receive the photos out of the blue? You can show up at their door. Send a letter to them describing the photos and asking if you would like to see them. Part of me believes they will want the photos. I wouldnt mind keeping them from them but it would be wrong to do so. What should I do?AdvertisementThe Past is BlastDear BlastThese photos are almost certain to be treasured by them. It would have been difficult three months after her death. I also would have shared your concern about opening up wounds during the initial stages of their grief. They have learned to cope with their loss over the past three decades and I don't think that any of the sweet images of their daughter would cause them grief.AdvertisementA letter written in advance is a thoughtful gesture that they might appreciate. Ask them if they'd like the photos. If they say yes, send them along with a note or bouquet of flowers.AdvertisementPrudie Advice: How do I get it?You can submit anonymous questions here. (Questions can be edited for publication. You can join the live chat every Monday at noon and submit your comments here.Dear PrudenceJust recently, I discovered that a man I've been having sex with is a registered sexual offender. Although there are some crimes that I'd be willing to overlook because of life circumstances, sex crimes are not usually one of them. This is the worst case: he sought out a 15-year old girl. Although I enjoyed our time together, I am still unable to shake the twisted feeling that I found out that he had done such a horrible thing.Disturbing PastAdvertisementDear Disturbing,Your question doesn't seem to indicate if you are still sleeping with him. Stop if you are. It's not about punishing him for his actions. You get a twisted feeling from him, and that is enough. Get out.You must also forgive yourself for getting in this mess. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. This is not something that anyone expects to find out about a person they are seeing.Dear PrudenceMy wife and i have a young son. He just started walking and daycare. My wife and I are biracial, while my wife is black. Apart from my day job, I am a doctoral candidate and write and speak about racism and whiteness. While he is sure to have many friends from different backgrounds, it can be difficult for me (and my research) not to be concerned about the possibility that he may make mistakes with white teachers and families. I'm not worried about January 6 types in our area, but the polite, warm folks who might still call him articulate, and so forth. How can a Black parent and researcher with a Black child handle teachers and white liberal parents who still have work to do? I can't teach everyone and I don't want him to be alone because Daddy is annoying.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementTrusting other parentsDear TrustingAlthough I don't have children, I have been thinking a lot about how to handle this type of problem when I do. It can really ruin children's lives to be in the minority, and navigate constant microaggressions from their parents and other children about what it means being Black. These experiences can haunt them throughout their lives, permanently affecting their self-image. Many of these people find themselves focusing on their own identity and denying that they are like other Black people or that they don't fit in any place. This is a bad idea, and it's not something we want for our son.AdvertisementFirst, let go of the responsibility for other parents and all the work they might need to do and focus on your child. While you may not be able to educate every white person on the planet, you can make sure that he grows up with self-confidence as well as affirmation. If the only option is for him to be in a predominantly non-Black school (which I assume he is based on your question) the microaggressionssubtle, sometimes well-intended messages that end up making him feel like being Black might be a bad thingare almost inevitable. How will he get them?AdvertisementBecause he has been taught the opposite message, namely that his skin, hair, culture and the ways in which Black people have survived and shaped the United States, the best outcome is that they just roll off his back. This doesn't happen through lectures, although I am sure he will have lots to share with me when he gets older. You have to find a balance between the Black people you meet and the white people they encounter. I don't mean that he has a lot of black friends. It is important to balance the differences between his school environment and his home environment with Black friends. This experience is common to every child I know who has a positive self-image and a loving relationship with Blackness. It could be from extended families, clubs or other extracurricular activities. These environments will undoubtedly lead to conversations about off-color and racist comments that people make. And hell absorb the notion that these are the faults of those who made them. Although he's only three years old, I believe he should be able to have one foot in the world outside of his immediate family. He will feel accepted and validated.AdvertisementAdvertisementHowever, you can still speak up if necessary. You will be doing a great service to Black children, especially teachers. If you decide to place your son in this environment, the social awkwardness he may experience is something you owe him. If his parents aren't comfortable with the idea that he has said something hurtful, then they are not the people you want to be trusted with your child. I know there are many white adults who would like to share their experiences with children from other marginalized racial groups.AdvertisementDear PrudenceI am going to be an arranged husband to someone and have not slept with her yet. Only after marriage can you have sexual relations. I'm curious to find out how compatible we would be. Although I am physically attracted towards the other sex, I'm not sure if I would be sexually attracted later to this person if we find out that we aren't compatible in bed together. What can I do? Is it okay to bring up this topic in a conversation before you get married? Because I brought it up, I don't want to be judged by the other person.AdvertisementAdvertisementEngaged and NervousDear EngagedI would encourage you to have the conversation. It sounds healthy and sensible. Because I assume you aren't a Married At First Sight cast member and have chosen to have an arranged wedding for religious or cultural reasons, it is not possible for me to do that. This will depend on the values and traditions behind the marriage. I don't know if it is appropriate to bring it up, and I would not want to make you feel uncomfortable or violate your cultural norms.AdvertisementYou are not the only one to be curious about this topic during your engagement. Find your most open-minded and coolest older sibling, aunt, uncle and discuss this issue with them. It doesn't matter if you aren't compatible on your wedding day. Together, you will have the rest your lives to adapt to one another, communicate, and work out things.AdvertisementAdvertisementGive Prudie a HandPrudence sometimes needs some help. Each Thursday, we will post a question for Prudence. Below is the tricky situation for this week. Follow Jene @jdesmondharris to continue the discussion on Twitter. The final answer will be available here on Friday.AdvertisementDear Prudence: I recently moved to a new area and joined a gym that I love. For a while, I've been unhappy about my fitness. I struggle to keep up with my friends who are fitter than me. I also have issues with my body image. This gym is a great place to be. The workouts make me feel strong and powerful in a way that I haven't felt in years. My old friends from the city I just moved are the problem. My old friends are my social connection. I don't know anyone in my new town, so they are crucial for me. They are passionate about body positivity and health at all sizes. This is fantastic! Everyone should feel good about their bodies. My closest friends are not happy when I mention my gym, or how happy they are with it. Because I have internalized messages about thinness, they say I am selling out and make derogatory remarks about me representing the patriarchy. It is very upsetting to be excited about a new chapter in my life and then have it criticized by people I support in their endeavors. Are there any suggestions for how to get my friends to be more supportive and not judge me for making choices that I don't like? Fraught FitnessAdvertisementDear PrudenceMy parents believe my husband and me are alcoholics. They have said that they have heard from my parents over the years, both while I was single and when I was married to him, that we had a drinking problem. Both of us are very successful in our respective careers. We have a 7-month old daughter. Of course, I was sober throughout the pregnancy. Although the comments have declined over the years, they are back now. We are responsible parents who enjoy drinking occasionally. When we are with our families, we don't work and we enjoy each other's company and a few drinks. Recently, passive-aggressive comments about our drinking problems have become more frequent. My husband is beginning to feel uncomfortable around me and my family. My mom is also becoming more cautious with him. What can we do?AdvertisementWere Not Drunks!Dear Not Drunks,People can have different views on a few drinks. This is a problemespecially for those who are not alcohol-averse. To make sure you're all set, take the online quiz about alcoholism. Then, ask two or three trusted friends if they ever had any concerns about your drinking habits. If all is clear, your husband and you should meet with your parents to discuss the information. You should let them know that you listened to their concerns and did your research. However, you don't want to hear from anyone else about the matter.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementThis shouldn't be a requirement, but it might be worth your while to not drink with your parents.Classic PrudieMy partner and me, who are gay, are friends with a lesbian couple. Mary and Jean are desperate for a baby and my partner agreed to donate his sperm. Although we have no desire to become parents, we are happy to be uncles. Jane was laid off after Mary suffered a serious illness, and they now worry about in vitro fertilization. Mary is infertile and Jane is 38. Waiting until their financial situation improves may not be an option. Jane and Mary have asked Jane if Jane can conceive with my partner the old-fashioned method. Jane and my partner dated in their 20s, so this won't be a new thing. This is too much for me. Are I being too old-fashioned
