How to Do It is Slates' sex advice column. Have a question? You can send it to Stoya or Rich here. It's anonymous!Dear How to Do it,After a 12 year marriage, which I obviously entered into very young, I am now a straight woman in my mid-30s. After my divorce, I took some time to recover from sex and dating before I decided to go back to the grind and have some fun. My question is about the fact that I think I missed something during my long absence from the market. Anal and butt play have become part of heterosexual hookups.AdvertisementThree different guys, none of whom I met via apps, I now know some of the stuff gets negotiated in advance. One flipped me over to eat, finger my stomach, and pulled out a plug. I then shut down. The first kept asking me if I wanted anal, and I quickly replied no. The third one accidentally drove his dick all the way up my thigh. She did apologize but I have doubts about how accidental it was.AdvertisementAdvertisementI like to be rimmed. However, it is not something I enjoy if my partner isn't well-informed. While I can tolerate some anal penetration, it is not something I enjoy. The best thing I have ever gained sexually from it is my partner's excitement and pleasure. It takes me a lot of effort to get clean. If it isn't actively painful, I find it really bothersome. Anal can make me feel a little more self-conscious or objectified. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's just that my lips and pussy don't feel good enough.AdvertisementI am not trying to shame anyone for their actions in bed. This is a possible explanation for my bad luck. However, I do admit to experiencing a lot of culture shock. This is something that my single girlfriends have also experienced, but not as often as me. I am literally three-for-three. My questions are: When and how did straight men start to expect this in casual encounters? Do I signal that I am up for anything by stating that I prefer casual conversations? How do I handle it? If it is clear that we are going to fuck. If and when a guy makes a move in this general direction, while things are already under way?AdvertisementAdvertisementButt OutDear BODating is a challenge. Even more difficult is dating people who are not connected to your social circle. You may have had bad luck and are more likely to make assumptions than have a conversation. The second guy sulking is very real and off-putting. Concerning the third guy, I have my doubts about whether it was accidental to ramming a whole penis up someone's genitals. It would be acceptable to consider it sexual assault if it weren't accidental.It will be necessary to determine your style and how you prefer to approach different situations. Some menthe ones may seem impulsive or exuberant. We will have a conversation about what I want them to do first when they ask for any new act. It doesn't always work. One man claimed he was from the kink scene and said that he understood my boundaries. He then grabbed me out of nowhere during the second date. When you're a semi-retired performer or a working sex columnist, I tend to bring up sexuality early on in the date. It is unlikely that I will have sex with someone who can't have a conversation about sex. It's a great opportunity to discuss likes and dislikes with the person and then evaluate their responses. Are you disinterested? Engaged Are they sulky? Sulky? These points are valuable data. Some of these are green flags, while others are red.AdvertisementAdvertisementTwo heterosexual male friends are my partners, one is quite frequent and the other is a comet who likes to lick and finger me. It isn't always a good day to do that. I will bluntly tell you that they should be at medium volume when they begin to edge that direction. The no must be loud enough to be heard by the other person. Oh and no can sound very similar so I choose to go with the full nope. They listen and are glad they were invited back. Building a stable of sexual partners takes time. You will make mistakes, but eventually you will find the right partner. You can always take breaks along the way. It's okay to end your relationship if you continue having anal-obsessed relationships. It can be a lot.AdvertisementDear How to Do it,I am a 29-year old woman. Recently, I met a 28 year-old man who is interested in giant dilution. I am excited to take part, but skeptical that anything larger than him will fit. Are there any safe ways to make it possible to fit large toys? Both of us are on board and will persevere with the process. We appreciate your suggestions.AdvertisementDavid vs. GoliathDear DavidBravo for your willingness to accommodate the sexual desires of your partner and being open to this. Let's discuss the concept of safe. Safe sex is not the same thing. It's safer. A newborn baby's average head circumference is just over 13.5 inches. Mr. Hankeys 4XL dogs can measure upwards of 15 inches. Perineal tearing is not a common occurrence in all births. Sometimes, objects can be more easily removed than inserted. It is important to be clear that objects that are easy to insert can cause injury when they get out. To reduce risk, choose straight toys or tapered toys instead of those with bulges at the tips.AdvertisementYou should evaluate and improve your communication skills with your partner and yourself before you take on any high-risk activity. I assume that you have a cervix and that this is the orifice that you want to stretch. Focus on the different parts. Feel around your navel, relax your muscles, and use your fingers or your partners (or a toy) for pressure around your cervix and the walls of the vaginal canal. You can begin to notice how your genitals react when they are in rest. Also, what the stimulation feels like for each part. This awareness can be practiced when you are masturbating, or engaging in partnered sexual activity. You are less likely to injure your self if you are aware of how you feel. You'll be able to use large insertables more effectively once you have improved your ability to sense your body's signals. You should also think about how you communicate with your partner during sex. Is your partner responsive to slowing down if you say it? Will he hear you saying slowly pull out? That's awesome. If they don't, you can have them drive it.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementIt helps you visualize your groin opening with its wide insertables. Your genitals could be compared to a butterfly unfolding its wings. Or, you could use an anatomy chart to visualize your genitals more clearly. Your orifice is expanding, no matter what you decide. It is important to have a position that allows you complete relaxationupright. Although riding the phallus can be done, it may not be the best option for your first outing. It is important to breathe deeply and fully exhale. Stop at the first sign that you feel discomfort and slowly release. It is possible to feel mildly annoyed if you are all worked up, but it can become very painful the next day. Use a lot of lube and slow down. You can always stop. Good luck.AdvertisementSubscribe to the How to Do It Newsletter to receive Sex Advice from Rich and Stoya along with exclusive follow-up letters, delivered weekly. Signing you up was not possible due to an error Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear How to Do it,I am a straight woman in my 20s, who has had only sex with a handful of people. After confirming that we were both free of COVID and we weren't seeing anyone else during the pandemic, I started to sex with someone new. It has been wonderful. He is very friendly, kind, and attractive. One problem I am not sure how to solve, due to my lack of experience. When I have penis-in vagina sex, I cannot feel when a man is touching me. I have always figured it out using context clues (the man saying something, his facial expression, the stop thrusting, etc.) but sometimes its a little tricky, especially if I am on top. Men expect me to feel the same way when I have an orgasm. This can sometimes leave me feeling awkward, or unsure if my responses are appropriate. Although it hasn't caused any problems with the new guy, I do find this anxiety provoking, particularly because I tend to think about this while having sex. It's hard to tell if I am overthinking it or if I am doing something wrong. Do I have to be physically able feel when a man has sex with me? How do I deal with that?AdvertisementAdvertisementAll the FeelsDear FeelingsHey. You're fine. Youre OK. It is possible that this might be due to a series of partners who don't flex as vigorously when they ejaculate.This seems like a fascinating idea. Are you aware of male partners who have said to you that they want you to feel their sexual pleasure with your genitals? If they do, it is probably unreasonable. It is worth looking into the origins of that idea if it is not.Your new partner is communicative in bed. Verbal feedback can be as valuable as physical feedback, and physical input such as facial expressions is as valid as their dick spasm. You can have a conversation in the present, or at another time. If you choose the latter, a simple "Did you come?" works. You might say that you are anxious about not knowing when he finishes, and that you would appreciate communication.AdvertisementSpend some time tuning in to your genitals to feel the sensations. Read my answer to David Vs. Goliath. You can breathe all the way to your lower belly, pelvic floor, or other areas. Keep inhaling, though. Although I cannot guarantee you will feel every penis peak of pleasure, it may help.AdvertisementDear How to Do it,I'm at a crossroads in our relationship and would love your help. We have a wonderful sex life together, but we are stuck on one act: cunnilingus. Although he is confident with his oral skills, it might take some practice. However, he does not like to do it for me due to my pubic hair. He is really uncomfortable with the sensation of his pubic hair in my mouth. It was a painful experience that we tried a few times. He was clearly unhappy and it wasn't something I enjoyed.AdvertisementWe have had many discussions about the subject and have different opinions on pubic hair. He believes it is polite to shave his pubic hair when receiving orals. He believes this opinion is primarily based on his experience with his first girlfriend who refused to let him shave. However, he now prefers it that way. His pubic hair is fine, as long as he takes care of it. Body hair is an important topic for me. Since puberty, I have felt shameful about my body hair. I made the decision to stop judging other people's body hair. I explained all of this to my boyfriend, and he agreed that shaving was not something I enjoy doing. He asked me if I would prefer to trim instead. I said that he would give me lots of oral if that happened, but that sounds like a bribe for sex I have not really enjoyed. It's not worth my trauma over body hair.AdvertisementAdvertisementHe loves to get oral from me, on the other hand. He was my first to whom I gave oral. I felt a lot of discomfort and self-consciousness about my penis, but I got over it because I wanted him to have a great time. Part of me wishes that he would have just pushed past his discomfort with oral sex like I did. But I wouldn't ask him to do that. It seems unfair that only one of us can enjoy oral sex. I suggested we stop discussing it unless both were receiving it. This upset him enough that he decided to drop it on me again. I want to find a compromise that is fair for both of us. His knowledge of sex comes largely from his past girlfriends and porn. My knowledge is mainly based on fan fiction. We could certainly benefit from your guidance! We both received Lorals and dental dams to test out. I also bought She Comes First by Ian Kerner to share. Do you have any suggestions to make oral sex more enjoyable for us? Do I seem unreasonable in this matter? Is he being unreasonable?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementHairys Not ScaryDear HNSDental dams can be a great way to think about them and take the first step towards their acquisition. This should help you get out of your rut.I am paused by your boyfriend's belief about the proper manner of oral sex. Believers are often not questioned. Polite is a term that implies not being a rock star, especially in the United States. It's similar to the idea of good sex and good porn. Different subcultures have their own values. Your subculture of two might have two different opinions on body hair. It might be a good idea to talk to him about his beliefs and ask questions to help him decide if those beliefs are the right ones to live by.AdvertisementBased on the information you have written, fair, unfair, and off the table, and his response asking you to trim after you told him no, it appears that you two are negotiating. That's fine! You have the option to do so. Ask him to identify your deal-breakers and absolute no's. Talk to each other about your needs and what you can do. I am fair-minded in these situations, especially when we are talking about single-subject equal treatment. While equality might seem like an ethical and moral way to move forwards, people are not the same. Our lives are different. We don't have the same experiences, boundaries or needs. Open relationships are an example: If a heterosexual couple opens their relationship up, it is common for both of them to have extra encounters at the exact same time. It is a fact that most women are more successful in dating than heterosexual men. I am arguing that fair and equal bedmates sometimes don't work in practice. You might think that oral sex can help you get past your discomfort, but it is unlikely.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou can't make your guy eat pubic hair. He's clearly miserable and you don't enjoy any sexual activity. You would like to have oral sex. I usually warn people that what they desire but haven't experienced is likely to be built up in their minds to a point that reality cannot possibly match. But in your case, I believe you will enjoy it with someone who really wants to get down on you. You might find yourself in a better place if you are open to compromise and trimming. It is up to the individual to decide how long they will wait.Learn MoreIn November 2019, I met a man on a dating app. We connected immediately, had many things in common and were both looking for something similar. There were many attempts to make plans, but they kept getting cancelled due to busy schedules. Then COVID came along. After being mask-clad and safe, we finally met in person in May 2020. We continued to see each others throughout the summer and fall. He didn't respond to my texts about a week before he was due to start a new job outside of the state. He didn't usually text me for more than a few days, so I was concerned. I was aware he wasn't on social media but searched for him on LinkedIn and found that we had a common connection. It turned out that his name, which he gave to me on the dating app, wasn't his real name. He gave me a different name. Okay, I was curious. So I googled him. What I found was shocking.
