Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingMy 12-year-old daughter has begun talking about being a lesbian. When she began asking questions about the support of LGBT people from her family, this was a turning point. Both my wife and I support her choice. She is eager to share her plans with friends and family. We also feel that 12 is too young for her to begin defining and claiming a sexual identity. We think she has had an interest in boys before so we don't want her to start defining herself as lesbian. She might walk that path back later. We think that she is a bit too naive and doesn't see the point in some of the ugly things she might be exposed (even though society and kids are more supportive). We don't think it matters who a 12-year old sexually identifies with. We are having difficulty communicating. You shouldn't make this public and it shouldn't be taken as something you should be embarrassed of. Is our approach completely wrong?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementBut be supportive, but question how to be.Dear Questioning,Yes, I think you are way off base here. Your daughter should be aware that she is gay at 12 years old. Many queer people are more open to this knowledge than they were earlier. It's okay to be out and proud in middle school, and supported in doing so, which can be very affirming and positive for children. Forced heteronormativity, on the other hand, is harmful and corrosive. Your daughter may not be able to identify her sexuality yet, but it is possible that you would say the same thing if your daughter told you she was straight. This isn't something that children are required to tell others, and can often lead to misinterpretation. Although you take her past interest in boys seriously, even though you are questioning what she is telling you about her attraction for girls, it doesn't mean that she's not a lesbian. She doesnt have to wait to prove it by dating girls, at whatever age she allows.AdvertisementYour daughter seems to have figured something out about herself and wants to share it with her family. I don't think it is your job to question or interfere in that process. It's fine if her self definition changes over time. Do you find it as bothersome to know that, in the absence any other information, many people, even those close to her, will incorrectly assume she is straight. She is also talking about sharing the information with her family and friends, who are people she knows and loves, and who may believe it to be her business.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou are concerned about her being exposed to homophobia. I get that. However, I believe you should also consider the potential harm to her identity if she doesn't openly disclose it. You might not see the problem in the approach of letting people know that you are a lesbian. However, you should never tell anyone you are a lesbian. You must be there for her. If you really want to support her, you need to believe her. Support her in telling the world what you love about her.AdvertisementKeep giving us the advice you want every week. Register for Slate Plus today.Dear Care and FeedingMy fiancee and I (both women), will be getting married in November. We plan to send out invitations soon. Although we were both single, several of our fiances' relatives and friends have children. I am the youngest member of my family. There is a significant age gap between me, my three older siblings and me. My four nieces, nephews, and cousins, all over 15, are all close friends. We don't want babies or small children running around and crying during the ceremony and reception so we are thinking about writing on the invitations that the wedding will not be open to children. We also agreed that our teenage relatives (the only ones we would invite) were well-behaved enough to allow us to accept them. They are all very close and would probably spend the reception talking or on their phones.AdvertisementAdvertisementWe were concerned about the following: Would it be rude to parents with younger children to tell them that the wedding is for 15-year-olds and over? Although most child-free weddings do not allow for children under 18, I am sure that we don't want toddlers or babies running around and getting in everything.Age Limit AwkwardnessDear A.L.A.It is fine for teens to have their weddings. I know many people who do this. It is important to be open with your family members so that no one is left in doubt. Some people may feel uncomfortable about inviting younger children, regardless of the age limit. If they don't like it, they won't be able to choose between 18 and 15. Teenagers are young adults. Inviting them is very different to inviting toddlers and babies. You are the bride, so do what you like!AdvertisementYou can read Tuesday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingI have a question regarding how you can be certain if you want to have children. Depending on the day, I switch sides. Bad days, when life feels like a boring trek through jobs that you don't want to do until your death, make me believe that having a child would be a terrible idea. When I'm having a relaxing day, I don't want a baby. However, there are times when I feel like I do want a baby. My boyfriend and me are discussing marriage soon. Conversations about children usually end in a shrug and both of us remain unsure. Is it possible to enter a marriage with so many unknowns about something as important? Is it possible to be certain? It's a leap of faith or a leap of faith.AdvertisementBuffalo Baby BewilderedDear Baby BewilderedIt could be difficult if you both want to have children and the other wants them not. You asked. I think parenting is a leap in faith. There are so many factors you can't predict or control that it's almost impossible to be prepared for. However, many people know it is not for them and can accept that.AdvertisementAdvertisementThere have been many marriages where both spouses were unsure of how to parent, and this is also something I find deeply understandable. One important question to ask is "How flexible are you both willing to be?" What amount of flexibility are you willing to give your partner in order to allow them to change their mind and decide if they want to have children. Someone I know said it shortly before they got married: Although my partner was more excited about the idea of having children than I am, neither one of us feel 100% certain. However, they were willing to give space for their partner to change their mind and decide that they want to have kids. These two views seem to be eminently compatible to me.AdvertisementHowever, we all have different desires and it is possible for one to be in a difficult situation or cause deep conflict within a relationship. It is best if the two of you are in the same place regarding this question. You can be open to discussing the options with your boyfriend if you are both uncertain now. However, it is important to keep the conversation going and to stay flexible.Dear Care and FeedingI am very fortunate to be able to live near my family. This includes my stepfather, mother, and one of his families. My stepbrother is always a problem. I am a single parent and sole-earner (my stepbrother and wife make a lot more money). K and A have two children. One is 18 months older than mine and the other three months younger. My stepbrother is very proud of his privilege. The couple recently purchased a second home for their vacations. Our children all go to the same public school system. However, my son's school is larger and more deprived than K and A. My stepbrother talked about how wonderful it is for his children to go to school where no one asks for help to pay the school fee. At my school, it is more common for families needing assistance. K is moving to a wealthy, predominantly white high school in the city. A is interested in an elite high school that offers more diversity. She is also involved with many after-school activities. My son, who has two years to go before high school, has already made a decision to attend the local high school and not apply for other schools.AdvertisementAdvertisementMy nephew and niece feel privileged, and my son is more likely to visit their house. They will talk about the gadgets they own, but not intentionally. My son has a new MacBook, and my brother used to have a Chromebook. K and A both got the Nintendo Switch in its first year; my son bought one last year. My son has always been a bugger about me getting the latest gadgets and every interaction ended with him coming home. Although I am not poor, I cannot afford to buy him new laptops every year. Even though K and A have had a phone since third grade, I don't feel comfortable giving them a phone. He is upset that we don't have a house because his cousins do (my two other siblings also have houses while my son and me live in an apartment). K, at 14 years of age, is the most whiney child I know. He doesn't always get what he wants.AdvertisementAdvertisementHow can I manage everything moving forward? My son is aware that not everyone can afford all the things he wants, but I don't know how to convey that to my niece or nephew.It's not privileged. Just normalDear NormalIt can be difficult to teach children the value of economic privilege when they have never experienced it. You are not their parent so I don't think it is easy to teach your nephew or niece this lesson. Or to help them recognize how fortunate they are. This is something they parents should teach them. I think it would be more difficult for them to do so in your situation. I'm sure I would be annoyed at some of the comments made by your stepbrother and K's apparently spoiled nature. You can't control what other people do with their children, and how they may influence or shape them.AdvertisementYour conversations with your son are the only thing you can control in this situation. Although he may have admitted that he doesn't have the same resources as his cousins, he still comes home to complain about not having enough money and living in an apartment. He will naturally feel upset about the difference. However, it is normal for him to also be aware of the situation and remind him that he does have what he needs. It is not that his feelings should be ignored. I believe it important to listen and support him however he feels. I also know that sometimes children worry about their family finances and could benefit from some assurance that both of you are fine.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementYou could talk to your stepbrother if you feel that any of these things are getting out of control and it is affecting your relationship with him and his family. This is something I would not recommend because I don't know how close you are and it could be awkward or require you to share a vulnerability with him. It is difficult to know what questions to ask him that will not require more work on your part if he isn't aware of his privileges or unwilling to admit them. What I don't want is for me to be the one to help him see it.AdvertisementEven if you stepbrother understood everything and started a family discussion about privilege and the importance not bragging about one's nice new things, it is unlikely that your children would listen. For now, I'd rather focus on my son. He is the one you have the most influence over. Teach him to appreciate privilege (his and other) and to value the things that you want.NicoleSlate has more adviceSince the day I met my wife, one of her friends has been a hateful person towards me. Although her hatred of me was initially tolerable in the beginning, it has become more annoying and creepy. My job is in research and development. While we talk about work, I have lunch often with male and female colleagues. My wife has seen me several times eating with a female colleague. She reported it to me without speaking to me. My wife initially was suspicious, but she isn't so concerned now. Last week, a woman approached me and said that she was going to destroy me. She then walked off. What should I do?
