My Parents Disowned My Brother After He Came Out. Do I Have to Split My Inheritance With Him?

Pay Dirt is Slates' money advice column. Have a question? You can send it to Athena or Elizabeth here. It can be anonymous!Dear Pay DirtMy parents had three children. Valerie was my sister and Jack was my brother. I was born as a surprise to Valerie at 15 and Jack was 12. Our conservative parents were constantly disappointed that we all became progressive liberals. Jack, who they couldn't accept as bisexual, was the worst. He was fine with women as long as they dated him, but when he married a woman, they broke up and refused to speak about him. Valerie and Jack, Jack's husband and their adopted son, have kept in touch.AdvertisementBoth of our parents died in 2020 just a few weeks apart. Their estate is currently being settled. Jack was taken out of the picture and everything was split 50/50 between Valerie and myself. Jack has not spoken a word. Valerie, the executrix has been increasing pressure on Jack to give a third to her. She intends to do the exact same so that each of us would have a third of the estate. Jack and his wife are able to make ends meet financially. However, Jack's husband has ongoing health issues and their son, now 14, has autism. He is semi-highly functioning but unlikely to be able hold down a job that will fully provide for him.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementIt was wrong for our parents to remove Jack from their lives because of his character. They did what they had to do, and Valerie who has a highly-paid career and a husband with similar earnings and has never wanted children, is much more comfortable giving up a significant portion of her inheritance. My fianc and myself, however, just manage to get by and plan to have at least two or three children. Valerie told me straight-up that if Jack doesn't share his share, I am supporting our parents bigotry. I don't deserve to be called a progressive. Are you in agreement? Or do you have a moral right (in addition to a legal) to retain my entire inheritance?AdvertisementUndeserving?Dear UndeservingWhile I think you have the legal right to keep all of it, I also agree with your sister that you are perpetuating your parents' bigotry if that is your choice. This was clearly a way they intended to punish you brother for being bisexual. Your sister and you are both capable of correcting this wrong. The choice to do so or not is entirely up to you. If this were not about money or potential benefits, I believe the morality of the situation would be more clear. I doubt you would hesitate.AdvertisementConsider your brother's relationship. Although he may not speak up, it is reasonable to assume that he does not notice or care. His financial situation is similar to yours and he has a dependent to care for. If you decide to retain the entire inheritance, think about what this says about your progressivism and your brother's sense of fairness. You are allowing your bigoted parents to create a situation that may facilitate your brother's death. They won't succeed.AdvertisementDear Pay DirtI am a single, in her mid-thirties woman with three of my best friends from highschool who are all married and have two children each. Each summer we go on a wonderful family vacation. We have split our rental costs by the family to date. This means that I pay the same amount as two adults and two kids. While the children were young and shared a room or bunk with their parents, this arrangement worked well. However, as the years go by, we need more space and larger homes to house the family. Although I can afford to pay 25% of the share, I feel like I am getting the short end of it. Although I was thinking about proposing a per-bedroom split, again I have the least disposable income (read: no children) so don't be a fool. Would you agree?AdvertisementAdvertisementFamilies of OneDear Family of OneIt is reasonable to ask for a reconsideration of the split before the next vacation. Everyone would likely expect to pay a room share if you were staying in a block of hotel accommodations instead of renting. It's not a matter to be branded an idiot if you are worried about being viewed as one. You should tell your friends well in advance that you are trying to manage your money better. The rental costs continue to rise because everyone is expanding their families and requires more space. You will only require one room so you would like to find a more equitable split, so your costs don't exceed what is reasonable for you. Ask them what they consider reasonable. They won't argue that they should be subsidizing their children, I think. If they do, however, you'll need to decide if it is worth continuing these vacations.AdvertisementSubscribe to the Pay Dirt Newsletter for Money Advice from Athena & Elizabeth delivered weekly. Signing you up was difficult. Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear Pay DirtFor as long as I can recall, my parents were very careful with their money. With wise financial investments, money borrowed from family members, and land purchases, I was well-positioned for success. Money is something that I was taught to be private and taboo, just like religion and politics. My husband and I agree on many things, but my family doesn't share those values. I believe they are influenced by the belief that wealth is a measure of a person's worth. We both want to be like my parents financially. Therefore, we are constantly saving and working hard on our finances.AdvertisementMy husband has a superiority complex about money and his parents. In the short time we have been married, we've accomplished more than his parents in their entire lives. His parents were not only notoriously unwise with their money, but also admittedly so. He is furious at how their money went out of control. While I understand that it is their money, they have to consider their declining health and late ages. His parents are hostile to any large purchase that he questions. They accuse us of being worried about how they spend our inheritance. My parents even joined the fray by saying that my parents are treated differently because they don't have as much money. These statements are false! Although his comments about their saving and spending habits are well-intentioned, they are met with hostility from his parents. It's impossible to start the conversation without being accused that they are doing it with morbid intent. Are we allowed to question or guide them financially if they don't consider long-term or health care?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementIt's not too late to inherit the family estateDear Not OutYour parents are wrong to think that money should be private. I agree with them. I don't think we need to talk about it as much as we do. It sounds like your parents have established healthy boundaries about financial decisions and don't suffer from the lack trust between your husband and his parents. Your husband's parents may believe that your husband is obsessed with his inheritance, despite the fact you are both financially independent and self-sufficient.They do have the ability to make bad financial decisions, but they must be able to afford the agency. This is something your husband should respect. He doesn't have to talk to your husband about money. However, he should encourage them and not criticize them. A family member might have suggested that they lack good judgment, but no one has ever helped to correct a bad habit.AdvertisementYour husband can make a comparison to your parents. He can point out that you parents are financially secure for long-term and retirement, so it is not a concern. And he would like your children to feel the same security about the future. It is not about whether or not you will inherit anything. But it is about how you will support them financially in the event of health problems or other unexpected circumstances. Your husband should acknowledge that his lack of planning has caused him stress. He believes he will pay the price (literally and metaphorically) for any unfortunate events.AdvertisementHowever, questioning individual purchases can be counterproductive. It makes your in-laws feel like their children or being policened. That's where the hostility comes from. It is important to have a high-level conversation about your concerns with them.Dear Pay DirtAt a regular table-service restaurant, I know I should tip 20%. Maybe a little less? 10%? 15% for takeout. When I was recovering from the pandemic I visited a table-service restaurant and ordered my food via my smartphone. The server brought the order to my table. I wanted dessert so I opened the app and ordered it. When I was done, the server brought the check and ran my credit card. This all happened in the app.AdvertisementIt was all great. I didn't need to flag down anyone or feel forgotten. But what about the tip? It seems a little excessive to tip 20 percent when you consider how little the server did in this instance. Is this the right etiquette? This one is not easy for me to find help on the internet.AdvertisementI need a tipDear, I Need a TipAlthough there is no set protocol, ordering via mobile from a table-service restaurant is much more common than ordering takeout or table service. You can still ask the server for additional items, such as extra silverware or water refills. They will still need to clean your plates and expose you to them in person during a pandemic. A server does not have to listen to what you say or run your card through a point of service system. These are the easy parts of the job. You can still complain about your food to the server if you don't like it. The waiter did not prepare the food and the mobile ordering system. This is comparable to regular table service, so I believe 20 percent still applies.AdvertisementMy personal opinion is that tipping allows the hospitality industry suppress worker wages. It should be eliminated in favor of fair rates. It shouldn't be a matter of whether you feel generous or not on a given day that a server can make a living wage. This is how the system works and it won't change anytime soon. I believe we all have an obligation not to be generous. Many people don't have health insurance or benefits, so restaurant workers are often on the frontlines in dangerous and precarious times.AdvertisementSome people will always be jerks or undertip. Try to be that person on the other end of the equation who gives a little more than you need. It will be noticed by your server and appreciated. You are not required to do so, but you may still be in extraordinary circumstances. This is why you ordered via your phone. If you're able to order at a restaurant, it's worth considering how to make it more sustainable for those who serve your food.AdvertisementElizabethClassic PrudieMy husband decided after watching several of his friends get divorced, that he wanted us to have a postnuptial arrangement. He explained that his marriage is a limited-liability partnership without an out clause, and that he wants to set up a stop loss as if we were one of his stock exchange trades. He states that he does not want to continue in the contract, meaning our marriage, unless I sign a postnup. We are married for four years, have a toddler boy and have been together for four years. My husband said that if I don't sign, he would serve me with divorce papers.