Jene Desmond Harris is available weekly to chat live online with readers. This is an edited transcript from this week's chat.Q. Q. She has made remarks about people's homes, told people they are unclean and said they have gained weight. I have learned to cope with her. Sometimes I push back but it is easier to let her words slide off my back.AdvertisementI've been dating someone for a while and it seems like it will last. My mother is likely to say things that I am afraid of. He will be criticized for the way he dress or the job he does. She will make a comment about his childhood neighborhood. Although I tried to prepare him, I care deeply about him and could lose it if she said something hurtful. I also advised her to be more mindful of what she said before speaking. She looked at me and asked, "Who?" You? What does that mean? I don't want to fight her, but I can see how my sister hides her hurtful words from her husband. I swear to myself that I wouldn't tolerate this kind of treatment for my partner. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this issue without creating a rift between us?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementA: Your mother has tried to get her to stop saying inappropriate and ridiculous things, but it failed. I suggest that you introduce your boyfriend to the idea. You will find it entertaining to hear her rant, and she'll be laughing when you get home.Prudie's Advice:Questions for publication? Send them here. (Questions can be edited.Live chat Mondays at 12 noon You can submit your questions or comments before or during the chat.Q. Oh no! It's vacation time! My wife and her three adult children want to go on vacation every summer. Sometimes it's twice a year. This is not something I want to do. These vacations have been a part of my past and I find them overwhelming and not always fun.AdvertisementThis is a matter of contention between my wife and me (I am her second husband). I don't want to be seen as a bad husband or stepdad. I have adult children. However, I don't feel it necessary to vacation with them. They understand. My wife could explain to me that it is fine for her to go with them every year, but that I would prefer to only go once a year. Isn't that fair and reasonable?AdvertisementA: Absolutely fair. Every third year!Q. Q. Their boss is abusive and they are having a difficult time at work. It is putting strain on their romantic relationship. They live together and revealed to me on the trip that they have not made any friends in four years living in this city. They moved to this area to get the job and be closer to their family to caretake. My friend was depressed and isolated. She knows that their boss is abusive and couldn't take five days off work when I visited. They had previously worked 75-hour weeks several weeks prior. Although I tried to encourage them to set small boundaries while I was there, they refused to answer any work calls that were made (no matter if it was an urgent or routine question). I had offered to help them find new jobs before and during my visit, but they refused or could not muster the energy. They had a job offer in February, but they declined it out of fear of their boss retaliating. Their boss is extremely draconian and retaliates often against employees (including torching the career of a woman in their niche research field).AdvertisementAdvertisementI consider her my best friend and we share a very honest relationship. They took four hours of work calls from me on my first day here, and I was honest about my concern. They won't quit.A: I've been the person who works too hard and is too stressed. I know that it isn't helpful to have loved ones continually harass you to relax. They wont be the ones to bear the consequences of unreasonable expectations at work.Normaly, I would tell someone in your position to stop working because they are a workaholic and have the job they desire. There must be something about it that is fulfilling them. This is a different story. The line about how they were afraid of being fired by their boss for leaving is very concerning. Instead of blaming them for working overtime and making work calls on vacation, try to focus your support on how your friend can avoid the worst case scenario of quitting. Also, help them identify and pay for the people who may be able. It is hard to know if they will need a lawyer, great career counselor, or someone who can help them see the bigger picture. Perhaps readers have some suggestions. This feels like a job for professionals if your friend is willing to do so. The answer to Why won't they quit is already known. It is not because they haven't been told.AdvertisementAdvertisementQ. Q. I am grateful that I survived the pandemic and was able to enjoy some baldheaded heaux sh*t in celebration of being vaxxed and waxed. After dipping my toes into the waters for the past few weeks, I feel like I want a boring, vanilla relationship. What can I do to achieve that in a post-COVID world. Pre-pandemic, dating was a daunting task. Im not a spring chicken. These are your thoughts on how to find love in these circumstances?A: Vanilla relationships are much more difficult to find than hot girl hookups. This will require some effort. This is the best plan I know of, which will not guarantee you'll be wearing matching pajamas for Christmas, but may help you get closer.Advertisement1) Keep going out with friends and having fun. You will feel happier and less anxious.2) Ask your friends to review, update, or edit your dating app profile. Then, make a job of it by looking for relationships and going out on dates with people who want one. Anyone who claims they are just looking for something casual should be blocked.3) Tell your friends and anyone else who will listen that you are looking for a relationship.AdvertisementAdvertisementRemember that you can find love by being self-reflective, clear and honest. Good luck!AdvertisementReceive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Q. Inequality in friendship: Recently, I was having dinner with a friend when I confessed to feeling disconnected from my life and struggling with the pandemic. The moment she chose to speak out was when she felt disconnected from my life. She then said that she had to reach out and make plans for me, and that she didn't contact me during the pandemic. I felt awful and ashamed and I apologized. After reflection, I realized that she lacks empathy and so I keep her at a distance. She seems to want a deeper friendship than mine and I don't know where I should go.A: Hello [empathy-lacking buddy]. After dinner, I reflected on what you said and realized that I haven't been keeping my end of the friendship. However, I realized that I don't think I am at the right place in my life to take full responsibility for reaching out. It's not something personal. It is not something personal. I care about you.AdvertisementAdvertisement(None of it is personal, but that's okay. It is not something that I believe someone with a lack of empathy would accept to be told they lack empathy.Q. Q. Although you don't say anything nice about her in the letter, she does not say any horrible things. But do you feel that you must spend time with your mom even if you don't enjoy it? But you don't want to cause a rift. Are you saying it because she is a great mother in all other aspects despite the comments? Or because you are afraid of her throwing tantrums if you reduce contact. If it's the former, I recommend speaking with a good therapist to talk about your relationship with your mom. Find out what is preventing you from cutting back on contact.AdvertisementShe sounds awful. I would think about breaking up. Also, be ready for that.AdvertisementA: Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to reduce contact. However, I feel like someone who would be content doing that would already have done it and wouldn't have written in to say they didn't want to cause a division. That is a great point about your partner. Not everyone will be interested in the detachment, take notes and have a wild story plan. The letter writer should check to make sure that the innocent bystander (who does not love the mean mom) is okay with being criticized.AdvertisementQ. Q. You can pretend that this woman is a clown, and then laugh at her as you drive home. This woman is a bully and insensitive. If the letter writer is determined not to subject their partner's insults or put-downs to her, she should feel free limit or cut contactwith her mother.A: I think insensitive bully is fair, but I don't think it was that serious. I didn't get the impression that her comments were based on a theme (such as racism or sexism) or that she had an agenda. She sounds to me like an unhappy, unhappy person who has serious issues related to others. I don't think she has a filter and won't get one. It's empowering to make fun of people like this in my head and not take any personal offenses.AdvertisementAssuming everyone is aware that they can limit their contact with others in their lives, that's a simple solution that feels good. If you don't like someone, please add the following to the response. This is allowed without restriction.It's more difficult when people, such as this letter writer, don't want to take back or have conflict. You need a way around.Jene Desmond-Harris: Thanks, everyone! You can go into your week knowing that no one can stop you disowning or naked in the house. Next time, talk to me.AdvertisementClick here to see Part 1 of this week's chat.Talk about this column on our Facebook Page!Care and feedingWhat can 13-year-olds do all summer? But it is true.My 13-year old daughter is bright and beautiful, and we are very close. She is a good friend at school and she loves to be with her friends when she's at home. She hasn't had any friends this summer, and she doesn't want to. She reads a lot. She stares at her phone a lot. It is a favorite activity of hers to watch television, stare into space, sit still, and Instagram. Despite being slim and healthy, she doesn't want to be outside or do anything outside. She would rather stay in her house for at least two months, reading or playing on her phone. I'm a teacher, so she can have my company. Are other 13-year olds doing this? Can I leave her be and let her live her sloth lifestyle? I'm going insane watching her. But maybe that is my problem. But it's all phone-staring. It's so much phone-staring. Reading! Oh, God, I don't know.
