Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingRecently, my partner and I got married. As part of our discussions about the future, we naturally got into the subject of having children. Over the course of our conversations, he has been unsure whether he wants children. He may feel strongly about one child but not others. I, on the other hand, have always vaguely imagined myself with at least one kid. However, I am currently on the fence. At this moment, both our positions are that if you truly want a child, I would be open to it. This is fine as we have not been married for more than one year so its still largely theoretical.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementThe problem is that I'm terrified of childbirth and pregnancy. Although I know my body was made to give birth, and that complications are very rare in our day and age, I find the whole thing disgusting. I remember reading a book in college that had a lengthy chapter about the childbirth process of a character. I was so upset by the entire thing that I considered asking my professor if he could give me another book. Recently, I was listening to an audiobook about a woman's tragic miscarriage. I had to skip that section. Although I am not averse to medical topics, I was able to listen to the book without feeling disgusted by any of the other horror stories. Sometimes I believe that I would be capable of having a child and giving birth. However, if I think too deeply about it, my skin begins to crawl.AdvertisementAdvertisementWhat is the normal amount of this? Does this mean that I shouldn't expect to go through the childbirth and pregnancy process? Will it be OK if I decide to conceive? It will be different when I experience it. Although there are many options for starting a family, surrogacy and adoption are the most popular. However, they can be costly and not right for me.What is Normally Scary?Dear Scared,You are right to believe that your repulsion towards childbirth is extreme. This level of disgust and anxiety around something so fundamental to human existence is not easy. Although I don't have enough information to fully understand the issue, I believe that it is possible to explore your phobia and make some interesting decisions about reproduction. Talk to someone who is experienced and impartial about your feelings. Be open to hearing their opinions and be non-judgmental about them. Although I don't know what it might be, I can tell you that if you approach your fears with friendly curiosity you will often learn a lot.AdvertisementAdvertisementTalk about future children with your partner while you wait. You will be able to explore the many ways that you can get there if you make a decision later that you want to have a family.Dear Care and FeedingMy daughter is nearly five years old and I need your help. To varying degrees, she is averse to all types of clothing. I gave up trying to get her underwear on, but shoes and pants have been a constant battle. I've tried everything, including pants with tags and without tags. But she can't seem to find any other reason. I would work with her boundaries but she doesn't have any feedback. This is something I believe is a sensory issue. We have spoken with her pediatrician several times and were assured that she is just a normal child. However, I suspect she may be suffering from neurodivergence. I am not diagnosed with ADHD. I work as a childcare worker and have other children so I feel that I know what normal looks like.AdvertisementAdvertisementShe must wear pants and shoes whether she is going to school or out in public. It's not just for school, but she doesn't like it. Although I try to be compassionate, she will eventually have to wear the clothes. My family is very low-income and I cannot afford to buy more than five pairs of shoes this year. How can I help her without making her feel guilty and telling her to forget it and get over it? I have nightmares about fall and when she will need to wear socks again.AdvertisementA Nudist for a Frazzled MomDear Frazzled,Many children around your daughter's age have difficulty dressing themselves. This can be a difficult issue for both parents and children. In a pinch, a child can refuse to eat dinner or go to bed, but wearing pants and shoes is not an option. Although her dislike of clothes does not necessarily indicate a larger issue, there are interventions that can be useful for children with sensory processing disorders. If it is not too costly or covered by insurance, maybe sessions with an occupational therapy would be beneficial. You can also wait until school starts to be referred to an occupational therapist who works with schools. This will depend on whether you are more interested in waiting or going out of pocket. Good luck!AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementYou can read Sundays Care and Fooding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy mother is located in another state and has only visited my children three to four times since the outbreak. Her sensitive nature has been a constant trait, and she seems to be even more so in the last two years. My in-laws are within walking distance of our children and have been caring for them during the summer. My mother-in law has been posting many pictures of them at the zoo or parks, and my mom, who misses her only grandkids so much, has begun calling me several times per week to express her sadness that they won't be able to remember her (even though she talks on the phone constantly) or about how she is their least favorite grandparent.AdvertisementAlthough I try to be understanding and have asked her numerous times if she would like to visit us or stay with us, she becomes concerned about contracting a new COVID variant while traveling. Despite the fact that both of our states have high vaccine rates and very few cases, so it feels like she is constantly clinging to me, my mom, and then my mother-in law's posts about my children and starts crying again. I don't know what to do. I can't ask my mother in law to not post photos about my children to her private Instagram account. I enjoy looking at what my kids are up to while I work and appreciate the help of my in-laws. How can I get out of this vicious cycle of crying phone calls?AdvertisementAdvertisementGrandmas TherapistDear G.T.This is a difficult one. Although you can't ask your mother in law not to post photos on Facebook, I believe it is within your rights to request that she not look at them. She is experiencing FOMO like I would not wish on my worst enemy. It's hard to not feel compassion for her. It's understandable that she misses her grandkids and is still concerned about COVID. You could suggest that she take proactive steps to end the cycle, as you are all vaccinated, and so are the people around her. Although I sympathize with you, I cannot continue to comfort you. It is hard for both of us. You can silence your mother-in-law on Instagram and arrange a visit with your grandkids. She can either come to you or to you. You are her daughter and not her therapist. It is time for you to get out of that toxic relationship.AdvertisementAdvertisementListen to Mom and Dad Are Fighting for more Slates parenting coverageDear Care and FeedingMy 16-year old daughter says I'm failing her. She calls me a terrible person. She shouts at me all the time for making her do things such as take her hair out of her shower and wash her dishes. She refuses medication, refuses therapy, and doesn't want to use the systems I have set up for her ADHD (chore chart, by day, week and month; place for keys, phones, etc.). Online schooling helped her finish high school earlier, but she cannot start college until next year. I offered her a ride to a mall near her job. She also told me that I would only give her rides for late nights and early starts. I also suggested that she put her family's schedule on my calendar so I knew when she needed one. At 3 p.m. she calls me asking where I am. She screams at my all evening because I forgot her and made her ride the bus home.AdvertisementAdvertisementShe occupied the large bedroom with a great view when we moved recently. After a family meeting, her younger sisters decided to share the smaller bedroom with her if she set up the TV/sofa/lounger in he big room. I sleep in the living/dining room. Although she agreed to this arrangement, she now kicks them out of the house or refuses to let them in, all in the name privacy. She would like to have her drivers license before she starts college. I told her she had to prove to me that she is responsible. I'm trying to remember that her friends were all lost in the pandemic and that she is probably anxious about college. She is just being annoying to me and her sisters. I'm doing all I can (and consulting my therapist when I am unsure of what to do). Is there a way to keep her from being strangled in her sleep while she goes off to college?AdvertisementSixteen is so much harder than sixteen!Dear SixteenHa! I feel you. This is a very difficult phase. I'm probably repeating what your therapist has already said. However, this bears repeating: Many of the things you do to appease your daughter and smooth her path in short-term are making her dependent on your actions, and she will be resentful. You won't have to pay for pickups or drop-offs if she gets her drivers license. Let her live with the consequences of her actions, without the need for reminders or chore charts. It is impossible to force her to leave the nest one year early. However, you can let her know that she can take care of herself and manage her medication. If the situation is not working out, it's not unreasonable to hold another family meeting. If privacy is more important than the larger room, she will need to move out so her sisters can access the couch/tv.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementAs long as it is possible, take care of your own health. You might feel stretched thin. It can be great to have your own bedroom. While it may seem selfish to insist on privacy for your children and make every effort to get it, it is a healthy way to model healthy behavior by respecting your own needs.EmilySlate has more adviceI have been happily married to my wonderful wife for over 10 years and have two amazing children. My wife is still very attractive to me, and I love our intimate sessions. One thing I don't know how to address is this: My wife is a regular exerciser and has a beautiful body for being a mother of two. She has significant cellulite in her legs, mostly in her back. It's obvious that she has a problem with it. She will always turn to me if she is undressing or in the toilet naked. She always wears a towel when swimming and removes it just before she gets in the water. This has never been discussed in all of our years together. Although her thighs can be a little annoying, they are not too bad. I can afford to have cellulite removed, but Im not sure how to help her make the decision. Do I ignore it?
