How to Do It is Slates' sex advice column. Have a question? You can send it to Stoya or Rich here. It's anonymous!Dear How to Do it,Please help. My husband of over 20 years is probably gay.A little background: I have anxiety and paranoia sometimes. Since my early 20s, he has been my only sexual partner. We were married in the beginning of our marriage. Although we are both of the same age, he had been in other relationships. This was fine with him. He didn't want to have any sexual relationships with me. Twenty-plus years later and multiple children later, half of our marriage is him not wanting to do anything physical like cuddling or kissing unless I perform on him. I'm lonely as hell. Although we share a bed, I feel like we are only roommates. Although he isn't mean and we have had this conversation many times over the past 15 years, there are always other reasons. He has bad breath, he is tired, and he wants to be with his friends (I am not invited). He claims that every time I bring up the subject, he makes it more difficult for himself. We do occasionally have intercourse but it is only two times per year. He can't finish the session if I don't perform orally.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementHe was out with two male friends, one single and one married. I thought for a time that he might have a girlfriend, which frustrated me. But, the more I thought about the matter, the truth is that he's out with them at least three to four nights a week. Although he works remotely, I understand that he needs to be away from his home environment. However, my suspicions are growing. As I mentioned, we have tried to have this discussion, but he gets angry and then blames me for my mental health. He has refused to go back to marriage counseling. He said he didn't mind if I went out with female friends 3-4 times a week. But he also knows that I don't have any female friends.AdvertisementA month ago, I finally asked him directly if he was gay. I actually asked him if his only friend was gay a month prior to that. He said that he is just happy alone. When I heard this, I thought ya'know, if you were, it would be possible to make things work. I love you and support you. We could make it work. Although I am not certain if we could find a new relationship in the future, I have no doubt about it at this time. I am mainly on my own, and he is the one bringing in the money. If he would be happier with someone else, that would be great for him.AdvertisementAdvertisementHe was furious. He was more angry than I have seen him in many, many years. Although he is not a hateful person and is open to the LGBTQ+ community, it felt more like he was unwilling to accept that he could be gay. I would have believed him even more if he had laughed at it. What do I do now? I am currently in therapy. For many years, I have been working on myself. I have a wealth of self-help skills and read articles about marriage. I'm at a loss. He is my best friend, but I am also very lonely at home.Straight and AloneDear S.A.It is worth taking the time to think about your suspicions. Your husband may not be gay if you haven't provided any convincing evidence. He could be asexual. He could be heterosexual, but frustrated by his lack of desire in a long-term relationship. This is very common (see: uncountable past and future questions sent to this column). Low testosterone could be contributing to his low desire. When he says he is out with friends, sex could be happening with him with women. You don't know if he could be gay. The hes gay narrative is appealing because it offers a coherent explanation of the situation and casts you as innocent who has watched the love of his life fall apart without any chance of controlling the outcome.AdvertisementAdvertisementBecause even in the darkest moments, narratives can be comforting. It allows us to draw a line between A and B, making sense of our journey. Your description is filled with uncertainty and quiet chaos. Your husband's refusal to give you a clear path so you can understand how you got here is the main injustice. It is unfair for him to blame your legitimate curiosity about your mental health, or whine about how your perfectly valid questions make it difficult for him. This could be considered mistreatment. It is obvious that there is something wrong and he refuses to acknowledge it. He wants you to believe that it is all in your head and that you can only do damage by trying to resolve your own confusion. This is not compassionate and a complete failure by him. As a partner, it is his responsibility to try to help him get over any shame or guilt he may have about the things he's going through and to give it to him straight. You can give it to him gay, no matter what his situation.AdvertisementAdvertisementHis fury at you accusation is not necessarily evidence. There are straight men who are queer friends in the abstract, provided queerness doesn't get in the way of them or reflect back on them. You will have to end the relationship if he refuses to cooperate with you. It's a shame, but it is what it is. It is possible to be lonely and not do anything. Or, you can try to find a way that will help you get rid of the loneliness. You will have to find your own way if your husband doesn't offer you closure.Subscribe to the How to Do It Newsletter to receive Sex Advice from Rich and Stoya along with exclusive follow-up letters, delivered weekly. Signing you up was not possible due to an error Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear How to Do it,AdvertisementSince our early days together, my wife and I have been casual swingers. We enjoy playing with others and have had some amazing experiences. It is a common occurrence for us to have hot sex with our partners when we are playing with other people. Although our sex life is generally good, like many others it can sometimes be hot and cold. My wife says that she misses the excitement of when we were together. She used to get butterflies just from being around each other, but it is almost impossible to recreate that feeling with someone you have known for so many years.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementI would like to propose that we open up our marriage to allow us to date other people. However, Im not sure how my spouse would react. I am married to the love and joy of my life. I don't want to be replaced by anyone. It would be great for us both to share those thrilling feelings with others, including sex. It is a pleasure to watch my wife sex with other men. It would be great for her to come home and share all the details of her night with another man. It would be great to see our relationship spark again, and have fun together. Is there a way to suggest an open marriage without upsetting my spouse?AdvertisementOpen MindedDear Open MindedYou've made it this far and had fun. Why would you think that she will be upset by this conversation? You will know the triggers to avoid if you're not being too cautious and you understand that this is a sensitive topic. If you are worried that she will feel abandoned, you can start the conversation by saying, "There is no way I am going to abandon you. This is just me thinking loudly." It makes sense that you are seeking an even greater level of openness. Things move forward. Once we have had a taste, we want more. This doesn't make you a horrible person or someone who throws away good things; it just means that you have had enough experience with consensual monogamy to want to give polyamory (or whatever you want it to be called) another try.AdvertisementAdvertisementIf you decide to move forward, there are many pitfalls. Tristan Taorminos opening up, which is the best book I have ever read on ethical nonmonogamy, and all its variants, is my recommendation. It can be read together and discussed. You can take it as slow as your spouse (probably) requires. Constant communication will be invaluable. A local poly meet-up is a good place to start exploring this way of life. You don't need to take a leap into a life that is fast and dangerous for you or your relationship. You'll be able steer with precision if you keep your cool.Keep giving us the advice you want every week. Register for Slate Plus today.AdvertisementDear How to Do it,My name is Linda and I am a 25 year old woman. I live with my parents, pay very low rent and utilities. I have not been able find a white collar job after I completed my MS degree. I work in a coffee shop. My 26-year old boyfriend was laid off a few years ago. He had to move back in with the parents. He had previously lived in his own apartment, but had four roommates. The upfront cost of renting in this city is high and it is crazy. He will need to save at least six more months before he can move out.AdvertisementOur parents never left the house and we barely had sex with them, except for a few nights in hotel rooms that were paid for with gift certificates. We also received text messages from our parents every hour, asking where we were and when we would be back for dinner. Our parents are very prudish and offer us such a great deal on rent that it is impossible to ask them to leave their house.AdvertisementIt seems that many of us are in the exact same boat after complaining to our friends. Our collective sexual insanity in our childhood bedrooms makes everyone miserable. Is there a better place to have sex outside of your house?The 25-Year-Olds are the most ominousDear H.25.The old hosting dilemma. Look on many hook-up sites and you'll see that although there are many people who want sex, very few places offer it. You just need to be creative about your scheduling. Although you can find hotels and motels that rent rooms per hour, many of these establishments have a bad reputation. (It is a fact that bed bugs are more likely to infest high-traffic rooms. I know this because I was once bitten by them. This is something I think about all the time at every hotel, regardless of whether or not the bed is high-traffic. I was changed by bed bugs, and although they were eradicated, they still reside in my head, possibly indefinitely. Although you could consider public sex venues such as a swingers club, or sex parties, this would change the dynamics and maybe the nature of the sex. You might not want to be seen at such a place. People have had sex in bars and in parked cars. But these are the places you want to avoid as they could lead to criminal charges. You should plan around your parents. They don't always leave and I doubt that. However, if they do, you are an adult and may be able to negotiate privacy. Do sleepovers to learn silence.AdvertisementWere you able to answer this letter or another? Let us know what happened at howtodoit@slate.comDear How to Do it,I am a gay man who has an incest kink that focuses mainly on the father/son relationship. Reddit is where I have mainly explored this kink. While I often meet others with similar fantasies, I also sometimes encounter people whose kink seems to be rooted in past trauma (whom I am concerned about) or who are trying to push the boundaries beyond fantasy. Recently, I had the opportunity to talk to a man who confessed to his sons sleeping naked in bed with him. What is my responsibility? How should I deal with other users sharing my kink, but who I consider shady? This makes me wonder if I should let my kink out at all considering the people I could be rubbing shoulders with.AdvertisementIs it Game Over?Dear G.O.Your responsibility should be based on the forum standards you are familiar with. Reporting any violations of the community guidelines is the best thing you can do. This guy's admission about his children may just be more play. There is no way to tell the truth from fantasy when you meet someone in an environment that encourages fantasizing. I'm not saying that you should be optimistic or give the benefit of doubt when someone reveals molestation (or anything in that area), but it is difficult to prove that an internet stranger inflicts actual abuse without hard proof. And since such hard evidence would likely be illegal, you don't want that anyway.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementIt seems like you'll be confronted with something unpleasant if you chat with strangers about incest. You have to decide if your disgust is strong enough and if it's possible to live with yourself. It is important to remember that we all come in contact with many different people. Once I connected online with someone whose identity I discovered via his email address. I quickly found a link for his page on the sex offenders registry. We don't know much about the strangers we shared (or could share) these intimate moments with. However, this is not an isolated case. It is difficult to determine tone online. This is even more so if you are discussing illegal and life-threatening acts. This may feel too extreme for you, so it is time to reconsider and make other choices.AdvertisementRichLearn MoreI'm in a dilemma. I am a middle-aged professional who has been divorced for over a year now, after a 20-year-long marriage. My extended family is far away and I don't have much chance to make new friends. My support network is small. Online dating has failed to work for me. Because of boredom and loneliness, I turned to a sex worker. She is an amazing woman, whom I have seen many times. I feel that we connect emotionally and sexually when I am with her. Although I know it is her job, I feel a connection with her. I find myself jealous of the people she sleeps with. I'm trying to control these feelings because I know this relationship will end in failure. I need your suggestions for how to view her as a friend with lovely benefits and not as a fiancée in waiting.
