Dear Prudence is Slates' advice column. Submit questions here. It's anonymous!Dear PrudenceMy parents gave me a terrible name that is half-rhyming and has a racial slurthink Gypsy Pixie. It was also misspelled. (We are a white family. It was something I hated all my life. I was also bullied in school for it. Teachers and my friends called me an initial-based nickname upon my request. However, when my parents discovered that teachers were using my nickname, they called school and complained to my total mortification. After becoming an adult, I legally changed my name. Ann is my name now, and everyone knows me. My friends who were close to me made the transition smoothly.AdvertisementMy parents are furious. Even though they've known me for a year, they refuse to use my name. They used to promise me that I would love my unique and beautiful name as I grew up. It must be difficult for parents to feel that their child rejected the name they choose, but let's face it. They've known for years how much I dislike it. They've always ignored my pleas to be called nicknames. And, of course, their names are perfectly normal (e.g. Bob and Liz don't know what it has been like.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementAlthough it may seem petty, my relationship with them has been deeply damaged by this. I offered them an adjustment period in which I stated that I would not mind them using my old name occasionally, but they completely ignored it. They called me back after I told them I wouldn't mind them using my old name occasionally. I was shocked and hurt that they did so. They are making me withdraw from them more and more. I don't want to be called the wrong names multiple times per conversation. It hurts me that they would rather die on this hill than respect my right to have an acceptable name. For twenty years they called me Gypsy-Pixie. Do they think Ann should be able adjust to Ann? Do you have any suggestions for how I can help them or am I just being too young to die on the hill?AdvertisementNo, my bullies were not just jealousDear Just JealousWhen they called you your old name, you were on the right path. But you must stick to the plan and continue doing it until they understand. They are the ones who choose to live on ridiculous hills. I hope they see their mistake before you end your relationship with them.Dear PrudenceI would like to hear your opinion on what is fair in a marriage. My husband's family is financially secure (as is ours); many of my relatives, although not poor, struggle to make ends meets. My family lives near me, so I can (have to)? My family is far away from me, so I only get to visit them a few times per year. These trips are costly. We spend hundreds of dollars each year to go to his parents' home, and another family goes to a touristy area at an AirBnB. He deserves to spend quality time with his family, which I don't mind at all. Each of my husband and I get an allowance from our joint income that we can spend however we like. This includes gifts for each other, solo trips with friends, and my sister's with me. However, trips to and with his family always come out of our overall travel budget.AdvertisementAdvertisementI would love to take my family on a vacation that includes a little more luxury than they can afford. It is not possible to save enough money from my allowance. My husband is the most kind and generous man I know. Therefore, I have to be fair and considerate. Although he would tell me to deduct it from our travel budget, I am unsure if spending the money on my family out of our general budget is fair. This money doesn't have to go to them. We pay only our part for AirBnB travel and don't subsidize his family. These trips are often more expensive than my family can afford in terms of accommodation and location. We spend more on gifts for my family than we do for his relatives because we are larger and see them more frequently. As they get older, I feel that he is beginning to resent this.AdvertisementAdvertisementThis is not a problem of the first world, but it's causing me a lot of anxiety right now. It might have been easier if my husband was more accommodating. How would you decide on this fairness issue?Even nice guys can cause problems.Dear Gentlemen,It's not a first-world problem, but it's a non-problem. As I was thinking about this, I thought to myself: Marriage is not a business. It's not about following formal rules. It is important that you love your partner and want to be happy together. I continued reading and was thrilled to discover that he does. He is a good guy. He will be grateful and you'll tell him how much you appreciate his flexibility. You should also look for ways to give him joy, even if it means you have to stretch your budget.AdvertisementReceive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear PrudenceI've been trying to have children with my fianc for a while. My friends are all successful in getting pregnant. I'm starting to envy their success. I've stopped speaking to them. I feel very depressed. It's almost like I'm self-harming. Although I am currently in therapy, I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my therapist. I don't feel comfortable speaking to my therapist about how I have tracked my cycle and what I have struggled with. It feels too personal. I prefer anonymity. I have kept track of my cycle and basal temperature. And kept track of discharge. I have calculated when Im most fertile. Weve even tried constant sex. I have been exercising and eating well. But no result. It feels like everything is falling apart. I don't want to tell my fianc, because hell be too worried. How do I handle all this? Is it my fault that we couldn't conceive? Do I seem to be being too dramatic by not speaking to my friends after they have had babies?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementCoping with StressDear Struggling:There is a lot happening here! These are the steps I recommend in this order:1) Find a new therapist that makes you feel at ease. Therapy is personal. You don't have to be too private.2) Seek help from your new therapist if you are suffering from depression or self-harm. Make sure you let your partner and all those who love and care about you know that you are struggling and that they need to support your recovery.Consider avoiding baby talk, baby talk, or friends who are close to babies. It's similar to avoiding gluten. It's just too hard unless it is going to kill your! Babies are an integral part of our lives. Reframe your thinking to see friends with babies, as proof that parenthood is possible for all who desire it. You will also need the wisdom and controversially priced bassinets of your mom friends as you get older.Advertisement4) Take control of your fertility. This is the right way to look at it. No one else cares as much about your fertility as you, and no one will accept as much responsibility. Research, join online communities to learn from others' experiences, and visit a reproductive endocrinologist (or two!). Second opinions are great. You should insist on getting every test and treatment to determine why you are not pregnant. Do not let anyone down and don't take no for an answer. It didn't say how long it has been going on, so it could have been nothing or something that needs to be addressed.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou should also share this information with your fianc, rather than keeping it all to yourself. Although you may be worried, he is also concerned.This week's Prudie is available for you to catch up.More advice from Pay DirtMy boyfriend is very well compensated for his humorous corporate job. He works for an immoral entity, which I say comically. My do-gooder job is very low-paid. I'm also in the beginning stages of my career. I have had extra education and I make one-sixth what he makes. This pay gap is so alarming to me. Although we are living with his roommate, eventually we will move out to our own place. He is able to purchase a house, but I'm eating a lot more PB&J to keep my expenses down. This is something I'm sure other couples have discovered. However, I secretly feel doomed. Do I have to dump him?
