Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingMy 15-year old daughter is gender fluid. Although this transformation has been happening for some time, it has only recently begun to accelerate. We have spent too much time together, possibly too much, with the COVID lockdowns. While I love my daughter, I struggle to accept the changes they want. They won't accept the pronouns they/them. That's fine. I'm adapting and practicing but it takes some time to relearn my vocabulary after 15 years of she/her. They have chosen to change their names because I chose a feminine name. I searched for the perfect name for months. It is always a point of contention. They look at me whenever my dead name is used and then get mad when I use my old name to fill out forms. Deep down I realize it is only a name. It is just the sound I make in order to grab their attention. They are trying to create a new person, because the person they have spent 15 years watching become an incredible young adult isn't enough. They claim they are the same person, but if true why should I call them something else?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementAnother thing is that all their friends have decided to change their names. I have known these children since childhood and if I refer to them by their real name, the one I have known them for 10 years, I will be the terrible, non-accepting cis mother. I can understand some of their desire to be accepted by their friends. However, I worry that my children may lose their core self in their quest to discover their true self. When I attempt to talk to them, they tell me that I don't understand the LGBTQ+ community and that I am transphobic. It hurts every time I hear this. I'm not transphobic. I am open-minded and welcoming of all people, regardless of their beliefs. Why is it that I refuse to accept the name change? I keep hitting an internal roadblock when I try to use it.AdvertisementStuck in SilvertonDear StuckIt's a metaphor, so you can't accept it. Your child is changing and growing, both of which are natural events. It can feel like rejection when a child throws away the name that they picked so carefully and that the parent loved. You know deep down that this isn't really about the name quaname. Your child will see the new name as a declaration of selfhood. It can be difficult for parents to hear this declaration of selfhood.AdvertisementDo you think you can do your best to keep this from happening? It has nothing to do you (this is hard enough for parents, I know!). It is not here or there that your child's friends also choose new names. It is important that a parent respects the child's right to tell them who they are. Use the pronouns that your child asks you to. If you make a mistake, please apologize quickly and move on. You don't have to tell your child how difficult it is. It is hard. Talk to others. Your unconditional support and love is all your child requires.AdvertisementYou can read Friday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy husband and mine are friends with another couple. Although we don't have children, our 12-year-old daughter is close to us. She is a wonderful child with strong self-esteem. However, this winter she asked me whether she was fat in her outfit. It didn't surprise me. Her mom is very vocal about her weight. It is always awkward to eat dinner together. The topic is often about how many carbs she ate, her weight loss goals, and how awful she looks. She talks to her daughter about her strength and health, but she doesn't see the harm in talking about herself this way. I tried to reply with statements such as a body that functions is a healthy body, and that I have more important things than my pants size. But she doesn't get it. I have previously told her to zip it. She has made excuses and continued to try. This isn't my child, so I should keep my mouth shut and try again. I am very concerned about this young lady and the effects this has had on her.AdvertisementAdvertisementTalk about weighty topicsDear WCIt is futile to try again to get your friend cut it out. It won't work: She can't or will not do it. However, that does not mean you cannot help your daughter. If you're close to her, don't underestimate the importance of your role in her life and the impact you can make as a role model. It is important to have an adult in her life that models a different way of thinking about food, and her body. Talking about these topics differently to her mother is a big deal. If your behavior and words match her mother's, you are at least offering her a different way of getting through the thicket. This is a vital thing for children to know. As someone who was able to model how I think and behave (not just about food/bodies but other important topics about which my children were being toxically indoctrinated), I can attest that nonparents who are close to their child and who are respected and admired by them make a big difference in their lives.AdvertisementHelp! Help! Answer: Join Slate Plus.Dear Care and FeedingMy 5-year old daughter is a loving, happy little girl. In the past year, however, it seems that she has developed a fear of death and an obsession. This usually occurs at night, during normal conversations while getting ready to go to bed. Shell suddenly says she doesn't want to die or she doesn't want me dying. This is all I know. She has never witnessed the death of anyone she is close to, not even pets. She does enjoy playing video games with us. They aren't violent and she is very age-appropriate. I am concerned about her developing this and have tried to talk to her about it. I told her she doesn't need to worry, that she is in good health, and that I will be there for her. This doesn't seem to work. Others suggested that I tell her she will be with me forever. For little children, forever could mean just a few hours. This idea is not something I like, but I do try to be honest with her about the realities of life. This is why I am stumped. Are there any ways I can help her get past this?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementGravely WorriedDear GWMany children reach this age when they realize that everyone dies. Some children become more concerned about this fact than others. A sensitivefor better or worsechild may not be able let go of it. Let's face it, everyone has to find a way to live with this knowledge. It can be extremely difficult for a 6-year-old or 5-year-old who is just starting to learn about it and does not have the same resources as adults.You sound like you're saying and doing the right things. Reassure her by reiterating all the important things to keep in mind at these moments. You will continue to do this every time she raises it. Talk to her about your concerns. She won't be as concerned as you are. Instead, she will interpret your worry as a fear of death. This will alarm her further and likely provoke her to go deeper.AdvertisementSally Beville Hunter (a clinical associate professor at University of Tennessee, Knoxville) describes four concepts of death in a helpful New York Times article. They are: nonfunctionality (your body stops working), universality, irreversibility (once your body dies, you can't return to life), and inevitable (you can't avoid death). This article also mentions (and I mention it in response to you wondering where this obsession came from) that adults often don't realize that children are constantly surrounded by death. Death is everywhere, from fairy tales to cartoons and movies. My daughter's favorite films were The Lion King and The Land Before Time. Every autumn, the leaves of trees are lost; every day bugs die.AdvertisementAdvertisementBeville Hunter recommends not going into too many details when answering children's questions. However, you can be truthful and tell them that you will live long and healthy until you get very old. Then, redirect your attention to something else: your evening story, what tomorrow will look like, or something that your child enjoys. Even if she is having trouble redirecting, even if it's only at bedtime, it may be time for your pediatrician to refer you to a pediatric psychotherapist. A therapist should be consulted if anxiety is affecting a child's daily life. It can be difficult to know where the line is in practice.AdvertisementBased on my own experience and research, I would like to add one additional note. I had a child too who was more concerned about death than I thought normal. Most children don't connect death to them at this age (and many of their parents are not yet connected to it). Although they know that everyone dies, they are unable to understand why. They realize that death is irreversible, and they will also die sometime in the future when they are 9-10 years old. I can recall when I was teaching an undergraduate class years ago that I mentioned to my daughters the recent revelation that her death would be imminent. I asked the class to recall the moment they experienced this visceral understanding. One 19-year old said that she was having it now.AdvertisementAdvertisementYour daughter may have already received this information at 5 years old. If she has not, her precocity could be limiting her ability to absorb the shocking news. In other words, she might not be able to comprehend what she can emotionally handle and what she can grasp intellectually. This is called a developmental gap. Although this gap will eventually close, it can still be very challenging for your daughter. This may also be a good time to seek therapy.Dear Care and FeedingDo I have to stop pretending to be interested every time Amy forces me to view a ridiculous amount of photos and videos of her 2-year old niece? This was not a simple video with a few photos. There were at most 2030 photos at once (almost all the same thing) and videos at least one minute long that show completely ordinary activities like her niece singing the ABCs 100 times or playing with her stuffed animal. It's way too much, I know.AdvertisementI Get It, She's CuteDear IGISCSure, stop pretending. Take a look at one or two pictures and then discuss something else. Continue to talk about the same thing if she keeps showing you more photos. Shell will get the hint.Or she might not. You can make a decision if she is so obsessed with her child that she cannot imagine anyone else being the same. I still think it is less than five minutes to look at all the pictures, or even 10 10-second videos, in 2030. You can't tolerate or forgive that five minute period four times per month if it is too irritating. Amy is not going to force you to get together four times per month. You should not make her feel guilty about her obsession with her niece. Talk with her about it. Don't yell at her. If a gentle hint, perhaps three times in succession?doesn't work, then you can let it go.AdvertisementIt is worth considering whether her willingness to indulge in herobvious behavior in order to share her joy in her niece with her is worth it. Is there enough joy in this friendship? Are you able to love her enough? Perhaps not. Then dont.MichelleSlate has more adviceMy husband and I had an affair over a decade ago that resulted in the birth of a son. All of the adults in this situation, including myself, come from dysfunctional families. This is because my husband's family continues to try to pressure him into leaving me for my step-son. How do I move forward?
