Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingNicolas, my nephew, is nine years old and only plays videogames. He gets up at 2:00 in the morning, doesn't get dressed or take a shower, and immediately begins playing video games. My sister believes that our parents were too strict and doesn't want to push her child. My husband is a pediatrician, and has suspicions that Nicolas may be malnourished. My sister is pissed off. My 8-year old nephew, her other son, comes to my house and loves the structure and steady meals. My sister asks me to send Nic, but she tells me he isn't available so she doesn't send him. Nic claims that I don't have the ability to set up his games, and that my TV is too old. He will never be able to spend any time with me. This does not hurt me as an uncle, but I am more concerned about his health. There is nothing illegal happening so I don't know what to do. Do you have any ideas?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementDo you want to help?Dear Wish,I'm sure you are aware of this. However, not all children are created equal. Some children love structure while others don't. Some people love video games while others don't. Your husband may be a pediatrician. However, he can't tell if your child is malnourished until he examines him thoroughly.Instead of being angry at your sister and wasting your time, you can calmly talk with her. Talk to Nic about his hygiene and daily routine and tell him how it concerns you, as his uncle. You may find that she will listen more if you approach her in a non-judgmental manner. Keep in mind that Nics brother may be on the right track (according to you at minimum), so maybe Nics mom is doing a great job.AdvertisementYou might also consider upgrading your TV to be more compatible with modern gaming. Although Pokmon is not her thing, my niece loves it. However, she wouldn't know the difference if I didn't explain them. Sometimes, you need to be a team member in order to foster a friendship with someone. This is one such occasion. They are relatively affordable and can help you create lasting memories with Nic. You can also have one-on-one conversations with Nic once he's available to visit your home to discuss your concerns and to help you get to the bottom of them.AdvertisementHelp! Help! Answer: Join Slate Plus.Dear Care and FeedingMy husband and me were both raised in New York. We still live there with our sons, 7 and 9. My husband is a black man of light skin who is proud of his Jamaican heritage. I am a Jewish woman, but have not been active in the faith my entire adult life. My husband is my hero and our sons' hero. He is the most funny, hardworking man I have ever met. His sons love him and want to be like him. Problem is, my genetic lottery has produced two boys who are exactly like me. My sons look and speak like Ben Stiller, but I speak and dress like 2001 Jay Z. My sons should embrace their blackness. However, I am afraid that they might be accused of cultural appropriation or racism. My husband understood my concern about the N word. He has many cousins who use the word freely. The boys were told by us that the N word is not allowed, but we may have stumbled on the conversation. I don't know what to do here. This seems to be fine with my husband. Are you being sensitive? My boys should be responsible, but not feel that they must act white.AdvertisementAdvertisementBest of both worldsDearest BestEven if your children identify as Black, it is possible for them to be accused by others of cultural appropriation and racism. People who don't know you are the key. It happens all the time and should be ignored. It is good to know that your children's close friends and families will support them in this regard. It was smart of you to get your husband on board with your children not using the N word. This could spell disaster for your family if it is used around the wrong people.AdvertisementI will be on your side if Im forced to. It is beyond me to understand why a Black man living in America, like your husband, cannot grasp the fact that many people will see him differently (aka, worse than you) than you and your white-passing children.AdvertisementMy father was a half-Black, blond-haired boy. He was green-eyed and he looked great. As a teenager, he was able to walk through department stores and not be followed. He also had the privilege of talking back to police without fear. My friend was in college when his classmates began making extremely racist anti-Black remarks in his presence. They didn't know that he was part-Black. He realized how deeply-rooted racism was in America, and how lucky he was to not have to deal directly with it.AdvertisementTake it from a Black man. I'm saying that your husband needs to look at the bigger picture and realize that there are two Americas. One for white people and white-passing people and one for everyone else.Don't use the expression "acting white"! Your children should be themselves. Let them know that their perceived whiteness can help create a more equal world for their dad.AdvertisementAdvertisementand all other people of color in America.You can read Monday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!AdvertisementDear Care and FeedingMy fiance would like to be a Tiger mom. Although neither of us were raised in this way, she enjoys the stories she has heard. Now, we are learning to play the violin and piano. Our future children will also be expected to learn. Since praise has to be earned, we have reduced our compliments to one another. Although I admire her determination, I am not sure how it would work with a child. Do I keep going? Although she wants to have a child as soon as they are married, it seems that we should take more time to learn how to do the things our children will be using every day.AdvertisementFear of Tiger MomDear FearThis way of raising children is something I can't disagree with. It seems that more parents are using these parenting styles to raise their kids, rather than trusting their instincts. Thankfully your future wife won't be in charge of raising them.AdvertisementIt all comes down to your willingness to accept this way of parenting. You can have one happy tiger family together if you are. This isn't something you should accept. This is a matter that you have as much say as she does. You need to make sure your voice is heard.You seem to be giving in to her every request, which is not how you want to start a relationship and a parenthood partnership. Before you get on the altar, be open about all your worries, hopes, fears and dreams. It could cost you dearly, both literally and metaphorically.AdvertisementDear Care and FeedingHelp me to know when I should call CPS. I was hired to work as a counselor in a camp for pre-K-8th graders with low income. Nearly every day, I have to interact with my three sisters, Pizza, Popcorn (twins), as well as Popsicle. They are in Kindergarten, pre-K and pre-K. Popsicle has worn this same outfit for 2.5 weeks. Popsicle has a strong smell and her shoes are three sizes too small. This causes her to walk slower which can cause irritation to other children on field trips. Pizza and Popcorn have shoes that fit, don't smell, and change clothes. Their aunt and uncle live with them all. While the aunt appears to be a normal woman and the uncle has the same smell as Popsicle, he is messy and disheveled. This could indicate neglect. It is possible that this could be neglect or strong favoritism. However, Popsicle seems to enjoy her sisters and doesn't seem to be resentful of Pizza and Popcorn. CPS is a serious matter, and while I don't want to put unnecessary burden on the family, I also don't want to overlook the possible hardship this little girl, or her sisters, might be facing. Please help!AdvertisementAdvertisementTo call or not to callDear To CallLet's not dismiss a child who may be in danger. I can see that you are seeing red flags due to this child's poor hygiene and in-fitting clothes. Contacting Child Protective Services should not be taken lightly. I must say, however, that the descriptions you are describing do not raise alarm bells for me. Have you reviewed the guidelines for identifying child abuse and neglect and spoken with their aunt or uncle to discuss your concerns? Although I can't help but be offended by the dehumanizing names you gave your children, I believe you can do better. Begin with the guardians and learn more about the signs of neglect. Then, start to get to know the girls. While you are correct that you can be a tremendous help to this family you should think about how that help might look.AdvertisementDoyinSlate has more adviceI find it difficult to let go the past. My first child, my daughter was born to me. I had my mother-in law help me during delivery and recovery. I loved her and treated her as my mother. She loved the baby too much and wouldn't let her be in mine. She would immediately ask if she could hold my baby and show her love every time I held her. This kept happening over and over again. This is all over now that my daughter is 13. These negative thoughts continue to bother me. These negative thoughts keep bothering me.
