Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingAfter having my third child, I was unable to lose any baby weight. However, it has now settled thanks to serious diastasis. At least once per week, I get asked when I'm due. I also get asked if I'm having a girl or a boy. I also get asked how far along I am. Although I don't love these comments, I do realize that my body is pregnant to many. I have been through months of physical therapy and tried out different clothing styles. I hope to lose some of the baby weight once I stop breastfeeding, but I will still be carrying a baby. These comments have been difficult for me to respond to and I often end up stammering and apologizing.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementThese questions are frequently asked by my children in front of me, and the younger two are well aware of the fact that I do hope to become pregnant soon. Due to multiple losses, I don't usually tell my children I'm pregnant until the second trimester. I don't want to be arguing with anyone about it while I'm still in the first trimester. Yes, people will push back on me when I tell them I'm not pregnant. They may say I must be or that I am at least half way (people are the worst). Is there a better way to respond now or if/when I become pregnant again? Although I would love to shout my body is not mine, many of these comments are from people I will continue seeing and feeling I must be polite to, such as neighbors and daycare teachers.AdvertisementA Bump without a BabyDear ABWaBPlease don't talk about my body.If you are able to smile, say it. But if not, that's okay, too. Thank your interlocutor if they apologize, but don't let them get away with it. Allow them to feel their pain and self-consciousness. Let them now deal with their discomfort and self-consciousness.AdvertisementNo one owes you an explanation or apology for the way your body looks. Even if you're interacting with friends and family and they ask about your stomach, it is okay to say that you don't want to talk about it.AdvertisementThis can be repeated to your children or others. Bodies can come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes a large stomach means that someone is pregnant. Other times, it may not. Talking about another person's body is not allowed without their consent.Although it might seem difficult to be blunt for the first few times, you'll feel much better if you have apologized or explained. It doesn't matter if someone thinks you are rude for asking about your body, but they don't think it is rude to ask about your uterus. If your answer prompts someone not to tell anyone they are pregnant again, that's a win!AdvertisementAdvertisementYou can read Sunday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy mom lives halfway across the country. She visits us every other month and stays for two weeks to visit our 2-year-old and 5-year-old. She provides occasional childcare and cleans up our home and helps us with date nights. My mom has been and continues to be a wildly narcissistic mother. Her visits are framed entirely according to her desires (think of how much I hate the thought that my children won't know me), and she interacts with her kids in a way that meets her needs. When her kids don't follow her instructions, shame and conformity are her only options (I am so disappointed that they won't wear my clothes as I asked). She does not play to get cooperation. She just sits there until either one of us fixes the problem or shames the child into submission. This is what I grew-up with and it's triggering some things for me. It is something I am currently dealing with in therapy. But, my question is: Do I need to protect my children from this stuff? If so, how? Should I give my mom the How to Talk books. Do I really need to have a conversation with my mom? Do you think this is as bad as it sounds.AdvertisementAdvertisementWe Moved for a ReasonDear WMFaRYour succinct summary of your mom's failures is a great example of how to avoid them. It's not about how to protect your children. Although it is difficult to see how she interacts with her children, it is unlikely she will cause any harm as she is not their primary caregiver. She should treat them all differently but, regardless of the book she receives, it is unlikely that she will change. Talk to her if you believe she is capable of listening to what you have to share and is open to changing her ways to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with you and your grandkids. If you've already given up on her self-centeredness, you can help to mitigate the damage she may still cause.AdvertisementIt is quite a lot to have two weeks of help every other month. It is nice to have some help, but is it truly free? She sounds like she is using childcare and chores as leverage to keep her life in line with yours. It is much cheaper to hire a sitter for date night (or perhaps less depending on where you live, and if your therapist is in network), but you get the idea.AdvertisementAdvertisementReduce the number of visits and deal with her inevitable complaints about how you are keeping the children away. You can make excuses if you feel telling the truth is too difficult with no upside. If your children are older, you can send them to grandmas and allow her to parent them in any mildly horrible way she chooses.AdvertisementDear Care and FeedingMy first child will be born in October at 6 months. This will be my fourth grandchild. This will be my husband's first grandchild, and his sister's first nephew. I know his sister, who is a great person, will be a loving aunt and engaged to him. She will likely take care of the baby after me and my husband, since we live in a 2-family home.She is opposed to vaccination. She believes that the Covid vaccines are part of Bill Gates' conspiracy theory to control the population. She has never had the flu vaccine and it would surprise me if she'd had one in the last 10 years. She has convinced her father to believe this belief system. He also stopped getting the flu shot, and is now hesitant about the Covid vaccine. Although my husband doesn't oppose vaccines, he is skeptical of big, money-making institutions like big Pharma. He is also more sympathetic to their point than I am.AdvertisementAdvertisementProtecting and advocating for my newborn means requiring all those who intend to spend time with him to be current with their vaccines. We can't control everyone who comes in contact with him but we can control who is within his inner circle. However, I am cautious about being too vigilant or excessively concerned with familial relationships. Are you right to be concerned? Will the baby be adequately protected by the antibodies I give through breastfeeding and prenatal vaccinations? If I decide to require this of all my newborn caretakers I think my husband and me would agree to define and hold this boundary. He is less concerned than me about this, so I know it would be him holding the boundary I set. This would be known by his family, and I fear that it would make him the bad guy. What should I do? What should I do? How do I communicate the boundary to my husband and family?AdvertisementAdvertisementVaxxed, VexedDear Vaxxed, and VexedFirst, you need to address the fact that your husband doesn't take this seriously enough. Ask him to accompany your doctor to discuss the situation. Your husband should hear about the potential consequences for your baby from COVID and other diseases that your sister-in law could have on your baby. Your peace of mind is worth the risk of being the bad guy and causing family discord.AdvertisementYou might wonder if the risk to your child is worth it. But think about how irreversible and permanent your family relationships could be if your child becomes seriously ill. I can understand how difficult it would be to live with his sister, if she does not reconsider her anti-vaxx views. Vaccines are safe and prevent serious illness. They also don't alter your DNA or affect fertility. Perhaps your husband can make it his mission, meet your sister wherever she is, and help her with some of her fears using compassion and evidence from trusted sources. She can still spend time with the baby after he's fully vaccinated.AdvertisementListen to Mom and Dad Are Fighting for more Slates parenting coverageDear Care and FeedingMy 9-year old son and I had the joy of seeing The Princess Bride together. He loved sword fighting, Andre, the Giant, and all the other stuff. But, for some reason, Princess Buttercup's failed suicide attempt is the thing that sticks with him most. When anything goes wrong, it's Guess I'll go to kill myself. He even grabbed a knife from his chest and held it against his chest when I said no to something completely routine. I don't want to stigmatize mental illness, but I do want to be able to listen to his feelings, but I am not sure how to deal with this. I've tried to be calm and said, "That is not the best way" to deal with your disappointment. You might (redirect) Although it has been going on for some time now, I think it is just a phase. But how serious should I take this? What's more, can we see The Princess Bride again without triggering it again? You can!AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementAs You LikeDear AYWIf you suspect these jokes may be a sign of depression, get professional help right away. It seems that your son is simply using his wits to push your buttons, even if you have other signs of emotional distress. It would be so if he was doing a horrible impression of Miracle Max or Vizzini. It's not clear if you have had a serious conversation with him about this. You should have at least one conversation about why this is not something you can joke about. Let him know that you are there for him. Don't expect to see it again anytime soon, as the film is already beginning to fade. While there are many classic films that can entertain you, few are as entertaining as this one.AdvertisementEmilySlate has more adviceIt feels like I'm in crisis. Three of my children are wonderful and adorable. My marriage has been a struggle for years. My husband and me have very little physical and emotional intimacy. However, we have a low-conflict household. Despite my stressful job, I do the majority of the work in the household regarding all child care and domestic responsibilities. My husband is very impatient with the children and doesn't like being around them. I feel happier if I was divorced. What should I do next?
