How to Do It is Slates' sex advice column. Do you have a question? You can send it to Stoya or Rich here. It's anonymous!Dear How to Do it,My grandmother, now in her 80s, is my grandfather's caregiver. He is in his 80s. Their four adult children are their sons. My grandfather is autistic. He has never been officially diagnosed, but his entire family are doctors and have concluded that he is. He suffered from depression a decade ago. This was followed by a rapid cognitive and physical decline. Doctors aren't sure why.AdvertisementAlthough he was brilliant at times, he is also very self-centered. However, any social graces that he enjoyed before the depression are gone. He is now uncoordinated and incommunicative, but he can still walk, feed himself and perform basic tasks. He basically reclines in a chair and reads mystery stories, while shouting at little children to quieten down his yelling. He is loved by his grandmother, who treats him like a child, making him lunches that he can make himself, taking care of his tie, and so on. Although she has never worked, I believe she found a lot of joy being a mother and wife as well as taking care of her sons' needs. It's a situation where she likes to be needed. The couple lives in an apartment at an assisted living facility. There are wonderful aides that can sit with him while she goes out for dinner with her friends. But she doesn't want to leave him.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementMy grandmother recently confided in an aunt and my mother, both of whom are her daughters, that she and her grandfather have sex every evening. She said she felt uncomfortable discussing sex with my mother-in law. The conversation ended when she mumbled something about being able to say no before her younger cousin arrived. My aunt had brought the matter up with my grandma, and she actually had a conversation about it with me.AdvertisementHe isn't strong enough to force her. He has lost nearly all of his muscle tone. I don't think he would ever threaten her. My grandma seems to be unwilling to let him use her, or try to convince her. My aunt and I felt like she was turning to each other for help. And my mom let her down. My mom agreed and said she would like to bring the matter up with her again, but doesn't know how. As a Gen Z girl, I believe that any situation where she feels she cannot say no (especially to hurtful things) is abusive. My mom is in agreement, but she's still struggling to figure out how to talk with her mother-in law. Do you have any thoughts?AdvertisementAdvertisementHow to say noDear NoYour grandmother's sense of purpose in life goes beyond the bodily moment. It is possible that she doesn't have the language or ability to see what not succumbing to your grandfather's wishes looks like. This is a dangerous power gap, regardless of whether he physically forces her to do so.Your mom is doing a disservice to the person who gave your life. Your aunt should talk to your mom about the conversation she had with your grandmother. This will help her decide what next steps are. In order to ensure the safety and comfort of another woman, she should also try to forget her awkward feelings. We all have our limits. Capes don't always make heroes, and most cape-wearing people aren't heroes. You are concerned enough to write about it, so why not try your Gen Z sensibility and bring your Gen Z perspective into the situation. Although I can understand your hesitation because your grandmother discussed the unwanted, painful sex she had with her husband, it is possible that she was referring to the conversation with two people. This indicates she is willing to engage. Your grandmother's conversation about consent was very different from today. For example, marital rape wasn't legalized in any state until Nebraska made it so in 1975.AdvertisementAdvertisementHow did you discover the limits of consent? What would you do to teach them? Use the same principles. Slow down and take it easy. No cape required.Dear How to Do it,My 11-year old son was watching bondage and domination videos on the laptop he used for school. Although the machine has content filters that block sexual content, they were set to block videos on YouTube. However, the videos do not depict sex or nakedness, and the language is graphic. My spouse and I were both uncomfortable by the humiliation and demeaning shown to young (adult) females. After seeing a YouTube duct-tape challenge, he began to watch more and more graphic bondage content and domination videos. He felt empowered and stimulated by the videos. He has become more verbally abusive towards his younger brother and has tried to imitate things on YouTube. Although he was never disciplined, he was caught at school doing inappropriate actions.AdvertisementWe realize that he likely spent many months, if not years in his bedroom watching these videos late at night. Although he is a wonderful kid, he has very few friends and has a tendency to be empathetic about the well-being of our pets and other people. My spouse and I have never done any domination and we are not aware of any event that he might have found at our home. We are moderately liberal and believe in a safe and informed approach to sex education. He also believes in school sex ed and mainstream teen education. We were not prepared for BDSM at his age.AdvertisementAdvertisementMy concerns are regarding his safety. I am concerned that he will search the internet for content, even though his computers are locked at home. Who knows what dangers he might be exposed to online or in person as he grows up. It is a problem for children to grow up with such an interest. Is it possible to help him learn to live with it and not act out? Is it possible to help him get rid of it? Is any of this or his response going to be detrimental to his ego as an adult? Is there something we can do to improve our parenting? Are therapists necessary or unnecessary? Our device policy should be more stringent than I expected, but it would still be fair compared to his sibling. Any recommendations for reading would be appreciated.AdvertisementUnpreparedDear UnpreparedAfter receiving a similar question, I did a deep dive into early kink formation a few years back. According to an expert, it is too early to identify your son as having a fetish. This usually happens around the age of 16. If this were a sex problem, it would be worthwhile to discuss it with your son. Your son may form distorted ideas about sex based on what he sees in mainstream porn. However, this is not necessarily a reason for concern. The YouTube videos' violence and the subsequent acts that he has done are the most telling signs of a problem. J. Dennis Fortenberry from Indiana University is a professor of pediatrics. He told me that most research shows that long-term exposure to generic erotic media does not have any adverse effects on young men despite many negative effects. Graphic violence is more influential than graphic sexseems when the content of the media are evaluated. However, it seems like the videos your son has seen may be closer to the graphic violence end of the spectrum than generic erotic media.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementSandy Wurtele, a psychologist who was a professor at the University of ColoradoColorado Springs' department of psychology and wrote about sexual development, suggested via email that you use your sons' inappropriate behavior at school and home as a platform for further discussion. She suggested that these acts could be used to open discussions about how bondage is affecting your son's attitudes, beliefs and behavior. Counselling was recommended by her, and she said that the conversations you have had indicate that you are on the right track. She said that parents should have a warm, open and collaborative parent-child relationship in order to challenge violent media.Wurtele pointed out an Atlantic article that was published in 2018 about discussing porn with children. Although I understand your son was not watching porn per se, for simplicity sake, I will assume he was stimulating himself with this material as though it were porn. There is a problem with much of the writing about the potential dangers of porn. It often comes from conservative organizations that are less interested in sexual health and obliterating culture they don't like. But this piece seems to be above board. This is a difficult topic to thread. I believe anything that feels good can be abused and over-used, but porn is an integral part of our culture, and is not necessarily harmful when used correctly. It all depends on the user.AdvertisementYour son may continue to have BDSM fantasies, which you probably know. He could act them out in a healthy and ethical manner, as I believe you do. You should focus on your son's behavior and how he treats others, and not his sexual development which, according to research, you cannot control. All the best.Dear How to Do it,I am a happily married, straight man. I have never felt attracted to any man. Recently, I've been masturbating to gay porn. I would love to have oral sex with a man. I also want to offer oral sex to guys. Although I don't know where it comes from, I often think about it. Is it normal to feel this way, even if you are not attracted to men? What have I been dreaming about lately?AdvertisementHetero ConfusedDear Confused HeteroIs it normal for a straight-identified man to want to suck a dick. Most likely. Although it is not common for dogs to walk on their hind leg, it doesn't stop some of them. Some dogs even do the cha cha while doing it. It looks like they are having a lot of fun. We've received a lot of questions similar to yours from other like-minded men so you know that you are not the only one. All you guys should get together and form a support group over breakfast.AdvertisementMy view is that there's nothing to be misunderstood. This is what you have learned about yourself. Some people argue that men who seek out and engage with men regularly are straight because they have self-identification. However, this is not so easy to believe, especially considering the history of men refusing their queer identity to preserve any idea of themselves that they had before admitting that they wanted penis. Your account and much of the other theorizing has made me question the idea that attraction doesn't apply. What is it to desire a male mouth on your penis and a male penis for man-on-man sexual contacts, if any? I don't believe you need to like every aspect of a person in order to be attracted. Attraction can be fragmented. Even if we believe that only a particular body part is enough to attract someone, it still seems like there's more to you than that. To explain this, I've seen academics make pretzels out of themselves and I have never been tempted by them. You might find it useful to think about how you can be interested in such behavior and not be attracted to men. Do you think you are fooling yourself by not looking deep enough? Or can you rationally explain how both of these things could be true simultaneously?AdvertisementWhatever you call it, do what you will. Sometimes a penis can be just a penis. But when it is put in your mouth because it feels good, it takes on a different meaning. You can call me crazy.Dear How to Do it,We are both in our 50s, and we have been married for over 20 years. We share a deep love and affection for one another. Each other is our best friend. Our sex lives were the best we've ever shared for the first ten years. It was pretty damn good after that. It has slowed down to almost zero in the past three to four decades.AdvertisementThis is partly due to the fact that I take medications that lower my libido. It doesn't take much planning or more time to get into the mood and have an affair. Even though I have low libido, I still want more. It was exciting to have sex with couples or other people during sex of encounters. It is almost always threesomes, or group sex when we include porn. Before I met her, she was timidly bicurious. She once had a brief relationship with a woman. She was very uninterested in our impromptu threesome, which I enjoyed. I paid her very little attention to her and focused my attention on the new woman. It made her feel unattractive. I would like to have at least one more chance with her, with more open communication, full inclusion (and enjoyment!) For all. She is determined to never do it again. Two things are important to me: To live with my wife and to love her until the end, and to be able to walk naked with women of all shapes, sizes, orientations and genders. My wife should have the same freedoms. But I won't do anything that would jeopardize our friendship and love. My question is: How successful can open marriages be? It depends on the couple and their motivations. Do you have any data? How can one achieve this lifestyle? How can we ensure that our relationship lasts, regardless of whether an attempt at open marriage is successful?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementA Scratch to the ItchDear ItchIt is not easy to find data on the success of marriages. I would argue, to make matters more complicated, that ending a relationship where one or more people are unhappy is success in the grand scheme for your life fulfillment. A relationship that is unhappy for too long can be a failure. It is easy to see how data on open marriage would be harder to find. This stigma makes it less likely that people will report. Remember, however, that open relationships can have more to them than just outside sex. This could make it difficult to obtain data on open marriage. A 1983 study, which is small but often cited, found that there was no statistically significant difference between monogamous and polygamous marital stability. We don't have enough data to make a lot of assumptions about nonmonogamy in the past years, but there has been a lot of progress in this area.AdvertisementSome studies compare satisfaction between monogamous and consensual nonmongamy couples. One study found that nonmonogamous couples had higher levels of satisfaction than those who practice consensual nonmongamy. The Triple-C model of mutual consent, communication, comfort was identified by the authors as important for consensually nonmonogamous couples.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou are now ready to go! There is a lot of work ahead. Your wife may be refusing to try a threesome again if she is insistent. You can't make her want it if she isn't interested. You don't have to be 100% certain that your wife will be granted the same freedoms you do. It is not a good idea to propose a deal that includes both you and your spouse. It is not a good idea to come to the table as a dictator, but as a negotiator. You will have a difficult time negotiating with her if she is sensitive. If you want to make everyone happy, you must play to their level. This is according to Tristan Taorminos opening up, which I highly recommend as a guide. These are just a few of the many words that it has to offer.Learn MoreWe had our first trio of threesomes a few nights ago with my girlfriend. It was wonderful. After talking about it, she felt more comfortable with a man first (with possibly a woman in the future), and that was okay with me. We met a man on an app for couples. It was my first time being naked with another man outside of a locker room. I've also never seen one in person so it was nerve-wracking. However, it was fun and comfortable from the beginning. Things took a dramatic turn halfway through.
