Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingIs it possible to get your grown child to call you more often? My two-year-old daughter lives a thousand miles from me. Despite our good relationship (which I also believe), she does not pick up the phone when I call. She also doesn't answer her voicemail, so I have given up on calling her. Sometimes, I don't hear from her for three weeks, but that is usually because I have text-nagged her to. She is busy, I am sure. But nobody is that busy. After a few weeks, I start to wonder if she is mad at me. Was there something I said last time that she didn't like? Is she sick? Are you missing? Are you dead? It is exhausting. What can I do to make her check in more often? She is missing me so much. It is hard to believe that my friends hear from their grown children all the time. They seem to surround me, unfortunately.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementMississippi: Sad MomDear SadYour pain is my pain. It is true. My grown-up daughter is also missing me (probably too much). I was jealous of my friends with kids who called them constantly.Some adult children keep in touch with their parents almost every day. Many call their parents every day to say hi and update them on the day. This is not something that most people do with their closest friends or romantic partners. Some parent-child pairs have short, but not very meaningful, weekly phone calls to check in at a specific time. My friend Nick and his mom have made a deal to ensure she doesn't worry about him dying. He will text her whenever she says, Are You OK? and he will reply, Yup.AdvertisementSometimes kids call their parents when they have a problem, but forget to call them when things are going well. My daughter is one of these people. She will hide when there's a problem and then come back when everything is fine. Even when things are going well, she doesn't call as often or as frequently as I would like. It is a hard pill to swallow but it is the medicine that I need to take.AdvertisementHere's your remedy:You are correct, nobody is so busy. Your daughter, a twenty-year-old, would prefer to spend her time doing something else. Not calling her mom is high up on her priority list. This is quite normal for someone in their 20s or 30s.AdvertisementI hope you can have long-lasting conversations with your daughter when you do speak. Even if your daughter checks in occasionally and doesn't always have the time to call you, it is a phase. When I look back at my relationship with my mother via phone, I see my daughter's communication strategy with me as another stage in her development. My mother was my only contact for years. I didn't think about it, and I wasn't always available. I didn't feel like spending my time on the phone with mom.AdvertisementAdvertisementThen I had a baby. My daughter, aged 7 to 8, was just starting to show signs of independence. She stopped sleeping overs at school drop-off times and allowed me to hug her. It hit me hard how awful it must have felt to hear from my mother so often. It is not clear if this was because I felt empathy or if it was just to ensure my good karma when it was my turn to have an adult daughter, but I began calling her every single day. It's been going for over 20 years. Mom and I may talk for five minutes on some days, others for half an hour on other days, but I rarely miss a day.AdvertisementIt didn't work yet. However, if my daughter is still living 500 miles from me when she has a baby, I bet shell will have the same realization as I did. In the meantime, I try to be chill. I hope you do, too.You can read Friday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy cousins and me (all in our late teens/early twentys) have become closer over the years. We want to rekindle our relationship with Camille and Melanie, two of our estranged cousins. Melanie is Uncle George's daughter. She cut off her father completely eight years ago during the messy divorce between him and Melanies mother. We were told for years by our family members that Uncle George's ex-wife was a narcissistic abuser, and that Melanie was being brainwashed in her mother's place. This was why Melanie didnt want any of us to speak to or see her. We were able to accept this and continued to be close with Uncle George. A few years back, Uncle George began to verbally and physically abuse his stepdaughter Camille. This was in front of all of us. Camille moved in to her father's house and severed all ties with our family. My cousins and me are now trying to figure out how to get in touch with Camille or Melanie to let them know we value a close relationship with them. We also wonder if we could help them to bond after such a long separation. Finally, should we try to convince our parents that Uncle George is wrong?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementCousin Crew Members MissingDear CCMMTo reach out to estranged cousins, write them a letter or an email. You will apologize for your actions and explain (but not just justify) them. Also, tell them how much they are missed and why. You can tell them why you are writing to them.Let it be. Let's wait and see what happens. They might not be interested to renew their relationships with cousins who reminds them of difficult times in their lives. The idea of starting a young adult relationship with their family might appeal to them. They might not be ready for it right away, but they may be more interested in the future.AdvertisementYou cannot take on the responsibility of repairing the rift between them. It's their business. They will make that decision on their own if and when they are ready. (But who knows? They may end up reuniting sooner than I or them if they respond to you trying to connect with them.Don't try to convince your parents that you see things the same way as you do. This is not your job. It doesn't really matter if your cousins agree with you. Your cousins and you are all growing up. You might have different opinions about many things from your parents. It happens. They don't have to be on your side.AdvertisementHelp! Help! Answer: Join Slate Plus.Dear Care and FeedingWe are still in the beginning stages of our wedding planning. We are the youngest generation in our respective families. Due to the long wait, many of our friends and families have children. My family, along with some of my closest friends, would need to travel approximately three to four hours to attend our ceremony. We strongly consider not following the traditional route. Instead, we will be eloping in small, child-free ceremonies of 10 people at the start of the year. The announcements will include an invitation to a summer cookout (wine, beer, food and music), which would highlight that all children are welcome.AdvertisementAdvertisementOur extended family and friends wouldn't have to decide between taking their children with them for the weekend (and having child care arranged), or bringing them along to the wedding and having child care arranged where they live. Because I've been told that weddings are one of the few occasions when parents with young children can take a day off. I am concerned my idea won't be accepted. I don't want to poll anyone. I am not ready to crowdsource my wedding plans so I decided to consult a parenting expert. This is a good idea. P.S. We appreciate any additional suggestions on making an event more child-friendly.AdvertisementWashington WeddingDear WiWIt is a wonderful and thoughtful idea. Parents may believe that the only reason to not have their children care is if they are having an adult-only wedding. But that's their problem, not yours. It is impossible to please everyone (not when it involves planning your wedding or anything else in life). If you do what you're considering, many people will be grateful.AdvertisementYou will want to provide something for children to do in order to make the event child-friendly. The younger children may be entertained for hours by dancing and playing cornhole. There have been many instances where children were able to attend weddings with a coloring table. My own preference is to make this a craft station with lots of glitter, felt, ribbons, and large plastic beads to string, as well as ribbons. A Lego station, jump ropes and hula hoops are some of the other items you might need. If I was you, I would hire teenagers to supervise these activities and help with child care (which will please all parents, even those who wish they had a clear reason to leave their children at home). These suggestions are just a few. But, I want to add this: Plan the day you want and have fun. This is your celebration. You can include as many or as few activities for children as you like, and everyone will be happy.AdvertisementYour fianc and I send our best wishes for happiness.AdvertisementAdvertisementDear Care and FeedingThis is one of those questions that kids ask about their parents. I'm hoping you can help me, as I don't know what else to ask. I am 16 years old and eligible for the COVID vaccination, but my parents won't allow me to get it. They believe it is dangerous and unnecessary. The liberal media has exaggerated the risk of me contracting COVID and made it seem much safer than it actually is. Although they aren't crazy, I love them. But, they only watch media that tells them what to do. They are unable to reason with me and they can't believe that I don't feel safe going back outside and doing certain things without getting vaccinated. They believe I should go on living my life. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. My friends and family are all vaccinated. No one wants me around if I am not. What should I do? What should I do? Is that even legal?AdvertisementFrustrated and feeling unsafeDear FaFUThis is not a unique problem. According to the New York Times, seven out of ten parents of children aged 12-17 will not allow their children to be vaccinated. Some are trying to find ways around this, including keeping it secret from their parents.The Times article points out that the question of who can consent for Covid shots provides new context for decades-old medical, legal and ethical questions. Who is the arbiter when parents disagree? How should the decision-making process be decided?You are asking me what I think. If there is a way you can get vaccinated, it should be done. You may be eligible to receive the vaccine regardless of where you live. VaxTeen is a website by Kelly Danielpour (18 years old), which offers links to clinics and other resources. I learned about it through the Times article.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementWhile you cannot force them to do the right things, you can try your best to make sure that they do.Happy Independence Day.MichelleSlate has more adviceLike most teenagers, my teenage daughter spent a lot time on social media engaging in discussions about race, justice, and activism. We were generally happy with it. She is gaining a broadening worldview and has been actively involved in creating change at her high school. She is obsessed with finding a Black friend. This makes me feel uncomfortable. What should I do?
